Shakespeare on Acid
by Kelly Pendergrass
Summary: My friends and I get together and try to put on Hamlet for the people who don't understand the language... and it gets interesting. READ & REVIEW PLEEEASE!
1. Act 1, Scene 1

Title: Another Shakespeare Parody

Author: Tabitha Wexley (Kelly)

Warnings: May get EXTREMELY weird, silly, and quite outrageous at times throughout the play. Harsh language, threat to bodily harm, and mild violence used. No lifeguard on duty. Proceed at your own risk.

Disclaimers: Well, let's see… All those out there who absolutely love Shakespeare are in for a real shock… I love Shakespeare too, but I thought this would be fun, so get ready for a version of "Hamlet" that's a real ride.  Enjoy. Oh yeah, and all the people acting are people I know, and those I don't know I don't own the right to put them in. Well, whoops.

ACT I, Scene 1

_----Elsinore. Platform in front of castle._

_(Enter BERNARDO *Tonya and FRANCISCO *Paulette)_

TONYA: Who's there? _(looking paranoid into darkness)_

PAULETTE: _(on other side of stage, also staring scared into darkness)_ Nuh-uh. You answer first!

TONYA: ……uh…. Long live the king!

PAULETTE: _(in lowered voice)_ Who *says* that anymore? _(normal)_ Bernardo?

TONYA: Yep, that's me. The one, the only!

PAULETTE: You're way early.

TONYA: No way! It's midnight, dude! Don't you have an early bedtime?

PAULETTE: O_O…. Oh, light!! Thanks so much, Ton—I mean, Bernardo. It's fer-reezing out here!

TONYA: Yeah…. So, anything happen out here?

PAULETTE: Nope, nothin'.

TONYA: Well, see ya later. Oh! And if you see those other two slackers, tell 'em to haul ass!!

PAULETTE: _(under her breath)_ I am *so* glad that's all I have to do… I wouldn't actually say that word anyway….

_(Enter HORATIO *Shelly and MARCELLUS *Dave)_

PAULETTE: _(under breath)_ Oops! I forgot them… _(normal)_ Um, here they come… I think. Who's there?

SHELLY: Friends! _(grin)_

DAVE: _(glances at script puzzled)_ How the fuck do you say this??

KELLY: _(off stage, smacking self in head)_ Why, God? Why did I cast *him*?

DAVE: _(looking frightened towards Kelly)_ Uh…

SHELLY: _(whispering to Dave)_ Just say we follow the king! _(nudges him hard in the stomach)_

DAVE: Ow! _(rubs stomach tenderly)_ We follow the king.

PAULETTE: Night people! I have to get to bed before I collapse!

DAVE: Uh… _(very stilted speech)_ farewell, honest soldier. Who hath reliev'd you?

PAULETTE: _(growling under her breath)_ Can't I just *leave* already!? She let me go!

SHELLY: *ahem* She's playing a he.

PAULETTE: _(glare)_ Whoever's playing Bernardo! Can I get back to Utah now?

KELLY: _(off stage shaking head in hands)_ Just go. We'll see you at Thanksgiving.

PAULETTE: Kay, bye!

_(Paulette exits, jumps a plane, and flies to Utah)_

DAVE: She was just a little bitchy, wasn't she?

ENTIRE CAST: _(glare)_

DAVE: _(gulps, begins to run from Liz E with axe)_

KELLY: _(grabs Liz's ponytail and holds her back)_

SHELLY: _(grabs Dave by his shirt and pulls him back onto the stage)_ It's your line!

DAVE: _(glances at script and brightens)_ Hey! I get to say holla!

KELLY: _(getting very flustered)_ JUST SAY IT!!!!

DAVE: _(sounding like Jay-Z)_ Holla! Bernardo!

KELLY: _(smacks self in head with prop wall)_

TONYA: Yo! Wassup, homie-G? Yo! Is that Horatio?

SHELLY: A piece of him.

DAVE: Ewww.

SHELLY: It's just the line! It means I'm here, like, only physically!

DAVE: Oh. _(blush)_

TONYA: Welcome Horatio and Marcellus!

DAVE: Uh, my name is Dave…

KELLY: _(off stage)_ IT'S WHO YOU'RE PLAYING, DUMBASS!!!

DAVE: Oh yeah… Uh, What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?

TONYA: I haven't seen diddly.

DAVE: Horatio says 'tis but our fantasy, and will not belief take hold of him touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us: Therefore I have en…treated him along with us to watch the minutes of this night; That if again this appa…. appa… yeah… come, he may approve our eyes and speak to it. Hey ,why do I get all the big words??

KELLY: YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE READING IT WORD FOR WORD!! _(stomps on stage, rips script away from Dave and scribbles a few lines on it)_ THERE! _(throws script back at Dave and stomps off stage)_

SHELLY: …………… _(glances towards Tonya who shrugs)_ The ghost's fake. It won't appear.

TONYA: Oh yeah?

SHELLY: Yeah!

TONYA: See for yourself! We saw it twice!

SHELLY: OK, tell me your 'story'.

TONYA: Well, last night, around one…

_(silence)_

TONYA: _(shouting)_ I said, last night around one…

_(still silence)_

KELLY: _(off stage)_ LAUREN!! THAT'S YOUR CUE!

LAUREN: Oops….

(GHOST *Lauren drops from the ceiling on wires, dressed all in white and silver shreds of cloth with a metal breast plate symbolizing the armor)

KELLY: Hmm, not scary enough… MAKEUP!!

(a bunch of little scared people in black come out and throw buckets of white powder on top of Lauren.)

LITTLE PERSON IN BLACK: It's not sticking!

LAUREN: _(coughing and sputtering, trying to wave the powder away with a sleeve that goes way past her hand)_

KELLY: Alright, then get some water.

LAUREN: _(looks wide-eyed back at Kelly in the wings)_

(little people in black run off stage for a few moments, returning with one bucket of water while the rest of them scoop the powder back into buckets preparing to drop it again)

LAUREN: Is this really necessary? I mean, like, it's just a play.

KELLY: Of course! You're a ghost and you have to scare the bejesus out of them!

DAVE: _(under his breath)_ Then why don't you play the ghost. You're scarier than Death itself…

KELLY: I HEARD THAT!!

DAVE: _(shrink)_

(little people in black toss one bucket of water on Lauren, who now looks pitiful, then they throw the leftover powder on after – it sticks now)

LAUREN: _(looking like an angel dunked in a vat of flour)_ I don't think I like this play anymore. I wanna be Osric…

KELLY: Too late. You can't be Osric. Liz J is Osric. Now back to the play!

(little people in black scurry off stage)

PLAYERS ON STAGE: …………………………

KELLY: DAVE!!!!

DAVE: Oh, right… _(looks at script)_ Look! Here it comes. _(raises a finger and points at Lauren)_

TONYA: It looks like the dead king! _(cowering over exaggeratingly)_

DAVE: You know stuff. Talk to it!

TONYA: Doesn't it look like him? Come on! Say something!

SHELLY: _(looking scared and amused at the same time)_ I'm not gonna speak to it! *You* speak to it!

TONYA: No, you!

DAVE: No, you!

(this goes on until…)

KELLY: SHELLY!!

SHELLY: Oh, yeah. I'm *supposed* to speak to it. _(steps forward)_ Aren't you the dead king of Denmark? _(silence)_ Answer us!….. please.

DAVE: You pissed it off.

SHELLY: No I didn't!

(Lauren, looking used, is being pulled slowly towards the opposite side of the stage)

TONYA: Well, it *is* going away.

SHELLY: Please stay! We wanna talk with you! Tell us the meaning of life! What does the afterlife look like?

TONYA: That's not in the script.

SHELLY: So I'm improvising…

(Lauren is suddenly yanked upwards and out of sight with a loud THUD)

LAUREN: OW!! That was my head! Watch where you're pulling me!

AUDIENCE: _(chuckles)_

DAVE: It left.

LIZ E: _(off stage)_ Wow, what a brilliant observation. Way to be obvious, Dave!

KELLY: Shut up, Liz! It's in the script!

LIZ E: Oh, sorry…

TONYA: You look scared shitless! Haha! We told you it was real!

SHELLY: OK, I'm all for doing the Shakespeare parody and all, but do we have to use such language? William would be convulsing in his grave right now!

ALEX: _(off stage)_ I thought that was the idea…

KELLY: _(growling viciously)_ Just get on with it…

SHELLY: OK, so I saw it and it's real. I was wrong, alright?

DAVE: And it does look like the king, right?

SHELLY: Yeah, yeah. He was wearing a suit of armor just like when he went to war with Norway, and the expression on his face was the same, too. How weird is that?

DAVE: He's already scared the shit out of us twice at the exact same time each night.

SHELLY: _(glare, glances at script)_ …… This doesn't bode well.

DAVE: _(looks puzzled, then at script)_ So, why are we here? Why are there so many cannons being made? Why isn't anyone resting on Sunday? What the hell is going on? Why am I asking so many questions?

SHELLY: Rumor has it that our former king (the one whose ghost just scared us to death) was provoked into war with Norway by King Fortinbras. Little did old Forty know that King Hamlet would kill him and take all his lands as agreed upon. Now, little Forty, jr. _(FORTINBRAS *Melissa steps comically onto the stage, gives a big toothy grin, and leaps backstage)_ is royally pissed (no pun intended) and he's coming to kick our butts into the next dimension for revenge.

KELLY: _(off stage)_ O_O That summary was better than I could have ever written.

TONYA: It must be true!

SHELLY: You remember all that crazy stuff that happened when Caesar was killed. A whole bunch of bad omens and all that stuff, and now this is happening. What does that say about—

(Lauren drops from the ceiling at an alarming rate, then suddenly jerks to a stop about three feet from the ground, powder flying up in a cloud around her)

SHELLY: Wait! Here it comes again! Talk, ghost! Just talk to me! _(Lauren glances at script then opens her arms as if awaiting a hug)_ Please speak! Gimme a break!

LIZ E: _(off stage, singing and doing a little dance)_ Gimme a break! Gimme a break! Break me off a piece of that Kit-Kat bar!

KELLY: _(off stage)_ LIZ!! _(grabs a chair and holds it above head, threatening bodily harm)_

DAVE: Wow, you'd think she was a WWF fan, the way she holds that chair!

KELLY: Who do you think I learned it from!

MAY: _(off stage)_ O_O Whoa, she's getting angrier than I did with Romeo & Juliet… _(hides behind prop door for protection)_

SHELLY: _(rolling her eyes)_ Tell us the secrets that only the dead would know!

(silence)

KELLY: _(off stage, sitting on the chair now, turning purple in the face)_ COCK-A-FREAKIN-DOODLE-DOO!

(Lauren is being slowly pulled away again, looking much like a stale, crumbling pastry model of the messiah)

SHELLY: Wait! Don't go! Marcellus, stop it!

DAVE: What? I wasn't doing anything! _(looking guilty as always)_

SHELLY: _(whispering angrily)_ You're supposed to try to stop Lauren from leaving!

DAVE: OH! _(looks at script, brightens)_ Should I shoot it?

SHELLY: _(sighing)_ If it doesn't stop, yes!

TONYA: There it goes!

SHELLY: There it goes!

(Lauren is yanked upward again, slamming her head into the ceiling again)

LAUREN: OW~~~~!! Will you stop doing that!

DAVE: It's gone.

KELLY: _(claps hand over Liz E's mouth preventing her from commenting on the obviousness of Dave's lines)_

DAVE: OK, so it's a paki…. paki…

KELLY: PACIFIST!!!

DAVE: Pacifist! _(shrinks down into little ball of gush quivering on the floor)_

TONYA: Damn that rooster! Damn it!!

SHELLY: The wandering spirit had to return to limbo at the sound of dawn…

DAVE: _(looking at script, squinting)_ It faded on the crowing of the…. Hehehehehehe… Cock. _(chuckles wildly to himself)_

KELLY: _(realizing her horrible mistake at missing that specific passage, storms onto stage, snatches script away from Dave, scribbles away frantically, hands it back, swiftly whacks him over the back of the head while holding a purely annoyed expression on her face, then proceeds to thump her way off the stage in rage)_

DAVE: Ow! _(rubs back of head, acts like he would hit her, but when Kelly shoots yet another death glare, promptly straightens up)_ Some say that just before Christmas, the rooster crows all night, forbidding the ghosts to walk around. Everything's peaceful that night.

SHELLY: I kinda believe it, too. But the sun's rising anyway, look. We have to tell little Hamlet about this. Since it is the ghost of his dad, it has to talk to him. Will you both come with me?

DAVE: I know where to find him. _(glancing at Kelly in the wings)_ Is that all I have to do?

KELLY: Of course not, moron. You have one more scene to do.

DAVE: Damn.

(all exit)


	2. Act 1, Scene 2

ACT I, Scene 2

_----A room inside the castle._

_(Enter CLAUDIUS *Grant, POLONIUS *Liz J, LAERTES *May, HAMLET *Kelly, and other servants and subjects, including VOLTIMAND *Marie and CORNELIUS *Alex)_

KELLY: _(dressed all in black, looking around frantically)_ Where's Danny?

DANNY: _(off stage)_ I'm not coming out in this!

KELLY: But Danny! It's practically an entire cast of cross-dressers! You are the only one I could think of to play my mom, Gertrude!

DANNY: I don't care!! I'm not going on stage in this outfit! I am not a 16th Century ho!

KELLY: Danny! Don't make me come back there!!!

CAST ON STAGE: _(gulp, stepping back from Kelly)_

DANNY: ………Alright.

(GERTRUDE *Danny enters wearing brightly colored dress with a very large skirt, bright red curly wig, very generous makeup on his face not hiding the fact that he did not want to be there)

AUDIENCE: _(laughing hysterically)_

DANNY: _(glare and blush simultaneously)_

KELLY: Alright, let's get on with it!

GRANT: _(very monotonously)_  *ahem* Though yet of Hamlet our dear brother's death, the memory be green, and that it us befitted—

KELLY: _(off to the side, but this time on stage)_ What are you doing??

GRANT: I'm saying my lines.

KELLY: Did you even *read* my script?

GRANT: No, I had my own copy of the play.

KELLY: _;;; If you hadn't noticed already, nitwit, I rewrote the bloody play. We're not going by the bloody original! _(slowly slipping into a British accent as she does when she's really angry)_ Somebody get him MY script, will ya?

(a little person in black runs out with a giant book-like script and hands it to Grant)

GRANT: _(looking very perturbed)_ Alright then. *ahem* Your king is dead and I have taken his place. I married his queen, set myself in the throne and command the subjects of Denmark to be happy and not sad. _(looking more and more put off as he reads, finally saying under his breath gradually getting louder)_ This is absolutely ridiculous. How can you destroy the most famous work of the best playwright that ever lived?

KELLY: _(stepping aggressively forward)_ Do you want me to recast your part? I could go and get Jared, or Marc Kimball, or maybe even Ibe? Now do you want this part or not!?!?

GRANT: O-O;;  Alright, alright, I'll do it!

KELLY: _(mumbling)_ I am *so* glad I get to kill you in the end.

TONYA: _(off stage)_ Don't give away the ending!! Some of us have never read or seen this play, you know!

KELLY: -_-;;;; Can we get back to business?

GRANT: I know that since your king has died, you should be sad, but come on! I, your new king, just got married! So let's party!!

ENTIRE COURT: WOOHOO!! YEAH!!

GRANT: _(looks stunned at script, glances nervously at Danny who is still very uncomfortable)_

DANNY: _(notices the way Grant is looking at him and also looks hard then stunned at script)_

GRANT: Is this some sort of joke? Casting two males as husband and wife?! I'm not doing this stage direction!

DANNY: I won't let him do it either!

KELLY: _(stomps up to the both of them, whacks them in the back of the head)_ Listen! It's a FREAKING play!! Doing this doesn't mean you guys have feelings for each other in real life. What do you think happened back in the day when Shakespeare was still alive? When the entire company was made up of men?

GRANT: Well, I live in the 21st Century, not the 16th, and I am NOT going to do that to another guy!

KELLY: _(grabs their heads and shoves them into a kiss, they squirm like mad, and finally she lets go)_

GRANT and DANNY: THAT WAS UNCALLED FOR!! _(they both start wiping their mouths off with their sleeves vigorously)_

KELLY: Well, it's over! Now continue the scene! _(storms back to her spot on the side of the stage)_

GRANT: ……………… _(glances at Danny)_

DANNY: ……………… _(glances at Grant)_

GRANT: _(adjusts his collar as if it is strangling him)_ Alright then. _(shuffles through the script)_ Anyways, Forty, jr. is pissed at us for stealing his father's land and thinks that King Hamlet's death will cause chaos among us –

ON STAGE CAST: x_X zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

BACKSTAGE: x_X zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

AUDIENCE: x_X zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

GRANT: -- so he's coming to take them back by force. I have written a letter to his crippled uncle about his rebellious behavior asking him to stop it, and want you – Voltimand and Cornelius – to bring it to him.

MARIE and ALEX: x_X zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

GRANT: _(shouting)_ I said, Voltimand and Cornelius!!

KELLY: _(not so indiscreetly nudges them both forward, but they're out cold, causing them to fall flat on their faces)_

MARIE and ALEX: ~THUD~ OW!

KELLY: It's. Your. Cue.

MARIE and ALEX: Oops… _(blushing wildly, they scramble up in front of Grant, look at script)_ Uh… Yes sir! _(Alex mocks a salute, Marie hits him in the stomach and drags him off stage)_

GRANT: Thanks, bye. So, Laertes, wassup? Ask me for anything and I'll give it to you because no one is closer to me than your father.

DANNY: _(looks hurt)_

MAY: _(looking absolutely ecstatic because she gets to be in the play, leaps into Grants arms)_

GRANT: O-O;;;; OOF!!

MAY: _(speaking like a five-year-old) _I want a choo-choo train, and a Barbie, and a hot wheels motorbike… oh, and don't forget my super-sized flamethrower/Uzi/saber again, Santa. OK?

GRANT: Get off!!! _(throws her to the floor)_

MAY: _(lands on her feet)_ Sorry, I just had the urge…

LIZ E: _(off stage)_ Urge? _(jumps on stage with a conga line of buff men in black with a bottle of Herbal Essences, who all start singing)_ She's got the urge to herbal… She's got the herbal in the shower… For another half an hour… She's got the urge!!

ALL BUT KELLY: O_O;;; What the hell??

KELLY: _(head down shaking back and forth, one hand on forehead)_

LIZ E: _(head completely lathered up in Herbal Essences shampoo, being spun around in a rolling chair, looking like she's on cloud nine)_

KELLY: *ahem* _(steps into center of stage, takes a dee~~p breath)_ CAN WE GET BACK TO THE PLAY NOW!?!?!?

EVERYONE: _(blink, blink, blink)_

KELLY: Thank you. _(returns to specific place)_

MAY: Right. I came to your lovely little coronation, and now I wanna go back to France. I got some good stuff going on back there.

KELLY: You sound like a freaking pimp or drug dealer or something.

MAY: _(grin)_

GRANT: Does your dad say you can go?

MAY: I don't care!

KELLY: May! That's not in the script!

MAY: Oops… _(blush)_

LIZ J: Yay! My first line! Um… _(looks at script) _Yeah, he can go. …… Aw, that's it? My only line? That's CRAP!!

KELLY: You're one of the main parts in the play. Shut your trap.

LIZ J: Oh, sorry.

GRANT: OK, take your time, Laertes. Now go away. Now, Hamlet, my son—

KELLY: _(still off to the side, but on the stage)_ You're no family of mine!!

GRANT: Why do you stay in the dark?

KELLY: _(stepping out of shadows and up to Grant) _Actually, I'm in the light too much.

DANNY: _(talking quietly) _Aw, come on, Hammy. Be happy! I remarried! Your father *is* dead, but you know that what lives will eventually die. It happens all the time!

KELLY: _(sarcastically) _Yeah, all the time. _(rolls her eyes)_

DANNY: But why does it seem to be bugging you so much?

KELLY: Seems? I don't know the meaning of that word! My dad's fucking dead! _(May's chuckling can be heard in the background) _It's not what I wear on the outside that makes me depressed, but what I feel on the inside! My clothes just show my feelings!

GRANT: _(looking like he doesn't want to bothered by all this) _That's nice, Hamlet. But right now, you must be happy for your mom and me. I know you want to go back to school in Wittenberg, but can't you stay here with us as our favorite son?

DANNY: Yeah, please stay.

KELLY: OK, I'll do it for you, Mom.

GRANT: That-a-boy. _(pats Kelly on the back a little too hard, causing her to lurch forward and regain balance)_ Well… _(rolls his eyes with disgust at Danny) _*babe*. _(glances at Kelly who nods, telling him to do what the script says, so he swiftly slaps Danny's butt)_

DANNY: O_O _(blushing, steps cautiously away from Grant)_

EVERYONE: _(laughing hysterically)_

MAY:_ (laughing so hard she falls with a THUNK off the chair she sat down on after her line)_

GRANT: Let's grab everyone and go party till the cows come home!

MAY: -_-;; ……… We're in Denmark. I don't think the cows will come home very soon.

GRANT: I think that's the point – a long party.

MAY: Ah, right. _(blush)_

(All exit but Kelly, who steps into the center of the stage)

KELLY: O, that this too too sullied flesh would melt,

               Thaw and resolve itself into a dew!

               Or that the Everlasting had not fix'd

               His canon 'gainst self-slaughter! –

DAVE: ?_? What'd she just say??

KELLY: -_-;;;;; Don't make me kill you.

DAVE: ……… *That's* what that meant?

EVERYONE: _(annoyed) _DAVE!!!

KELLY: _(seething)_ No, *Dave*. Let me summarize for you.

DAVE: Eh?

KELLY: I'LL SAY IT SO YOU CAN UNDERSTAND IT!!

DAVE: _(shrink)_ Right.

KELLY: I'm pissed that my mother would cry for my father for such a short time, then marry his brother so soon after. I want to kill myself, but it's a mortal sin, and since I'm so damn religious, that means it's too big a no-no for me to even consider it. I won't say anything to Mom, or that sorry excuse for an uncle either.

(Tonya and Shelly step onto stage, stop, turn around and grab Dave to drag him on with them)

SHELLY: Hail to your lordship!

KELLY: Horatio! Hey! Wassup?

SHELLY: I'm glad to see you too, and I'm at your service.

KELLY: No, I'm at *your* service. Just be my friend. What brings you here from school? Marcellus?

(silence)

KELLY, SHELLY, and TONYA: _(roll their eyes)_

KELLY: _(sigh) _Dave, once again, you are playing Marcellus. Am I gonna have to write your name on your hand or something?

LIZ E: _(off stage) _You *know* that's a good idea!

KELLY: _(glare)_ Dave, just say your line.

DAVE: Uh, K… My lord—Lord? But you're a girl!

KELLY: _(claps herself on the head) _If you hadn't noticed, we're doing a play here. I am playing a MAN!!

DAVE: Right, right. Got it.

EVERYONE: _(sigh)_

KELLY: Hey there, Marcellus. Nice to see you. But tell me, why did you leave school to come here?

SHELLY: We've gone AWOL, sir.

KELLY: You're not the type of person who would do that! But either way, answer why you've come?

SHELLY: We came to attend your dad's funeral. Sorry.

KELLY: Don't play with me, I think you came to see the wedding.

SHELLY: True, I saw that soon after.

KELLY: Oh, *come on*! The food for the funeral was also used for the freaking wedding!! I think I see my father watching in detest.

SHELLY: _(looking around, scared) _Where!? Where?!

KELLY: _(eyebrow raised) _In my head.

SHELLY: Right……_(blush)_ He was a cool dude.

KELLY: He was awesome, and I'll never see anyone like him ever again.

SHELLY: Well… not necessarily.

KELLY: Eh?

SHELLY: I think I saw him last night.

KELLY: O_O Heh??

SHELLY: We saw your papa on the watch last night…

KELLY: My papa!

BACKSTAGE: _(giggle)_

SHELLY: Don't get too excited yet. Wait until you can come with us so you can see.

KELLY: Please tell me! _(grabs Shelly by the collar)_

SHELLY: Alright!! Couple nights ago, Marcellus and Bernardo saw a figure that looked like your dad during their midnight watch. They were scared into jelly. He was dressed in armor, and they saw him three times. I went with them last night to prove them wrong, but I saw him, and since I knew him I know it was a perfect look-alike.

KELLY: Where? _(lets Shelly go)_

DAVE: Uh, where we watch at night, on the platform.

KELLY: Did you speak to it?

SHELLY: Yeah, but he never answered me. He ran away soon after.

KELLY: Weird.

SHELLY: No fooling. _(holds up right hand to swear)_

KELLY: Are you watching tonight?

TONYA and DAVE: Yep.

KELLY: He was wearing armor?

TONYA and DAVE: Yep.

KELLY: Head to toe??

TONYA and DAVE: Yep.

KELLY: Did you see his face?

SHELLY: Yes, sir. His visor was up.

KELLY: Did he look sad?

SHELLY: More sad than angry.

KELLY: White like a ghost, or red like a devil?

SHELLY: *Very* white.

KELLY: Did he look at you?

SHELLY: Yeah. _(shudder)_

KELLY: Damn! I wish I was there!

SHELLY: You would have been stunned.

KELLY: Did it stay for long?

SHELLY: No, just a short while.

TONYA and DAVE: Longer, longer!

SHELLY: Not when I saw it.

KELLY: He had a grizzly beard, right?

SHELLY: It was black with a bunch of gray.

KELLY: I'll watch with you tonight. Hopefully, it'll show up.

SHELLY: It should.

KELLY: Alright, I'll meet you guys around eleven. Now, don't tell anyone what you saw or what you will see tonight. I'll talk to the being if it really looks like Dad. I'll see you then.

ALL BUT KELLY: We promise.__

KELLY: Later.

_(Tonya and Shelly, drag Dave off the stage as they exit, leaving Kelly by herself)_

KELLY: The only thing that would keep my dad's soul around is an evil deed. I smell a rat, and if I'm right, THERE'LL BE HELL TO PAY!!! _(exit)_


	3. Act 1, Scene 3

ACT I, Scene 3

_----A room inside Polonius' house._

_(May and OPHELIA *Ewan McGregor, wearing a large purple dress, enter)_

KELLY: O_O  WHO FORGOT TO TELL ME *HE* WAS IN THE PLAY?!?!?!? _(suddenly appears on stage next to Ewan)_

EWAN: _(in his beautiful Scottish accent) _Oh, are you a fan?

KELLY: _(nods a little *too* enthusiastically)_ Of course! I think you're absolutely FANTASTIC!! _(GLOMP!) _

EWAN: O_O Oomph! _(struggles underneath Kelly, who seems to be molesting him)_

MAY: O_O;;; Um… Let's hope he doesn't slap a restraining order on your ass… Wait, maybe you wouldn't mind that too much, considering you would like it if he slapped anything on your ass…

KELLY: _(suddenly realizes she's on stage, freezes, blink stunned, smiles, jumps off of Ewan) _Um, let's get back to the play. Ehehe…. Right. _(disappears suddenly with a *poof*, leaving a cloud of dust where she used to be)_

MAY: Right… _(glances at script)_ Well, I am going back to France and I'm all packed and ready to go. You can write me whenever you want, but before I go, I want to know that you will.

EWAN: _(speaking in a very female voice)_ Of course I will, Laertes. What makes you think I wouldn't?

MAY: _(mumbling) _Well, the fact that Kelly would keep you in bed forever kind of tells me…

KELLY: *AHEM!!*

MAY: I mean… _(glances at script and begins to chuckle) _Hamlet wants to bed you faster than you could say "Shite!"

EWAN: He wouldn't do that! He's been very sweet to me.

MAY: Of course he's been sweet! He wants to get in your pants!! Once he's had you, he'll move on. He's a prince, right? He could have any girl he wants any day of the week. He's probably gotten laid by about ten or eleven girls behind your back.

EWAN: Well, I'll remember what you said, but I won't believe you until I see it for myself, and I know I won't. I am very skeptical of advice that comes from someone who doesn't take it himself.

_(Liz J enters)_

MAY: Well, fine. Believe what you want, but just keep it in mind. I'm late for my … er… voyage back to France. I'll see you again soon, sis.

LIZ J: _(looks confused at script) _Um, how do you say this?

MAY: _(whispering)_ Lay-er-tees.

LIZ J: Ah. Laertes, are you still here? You should be sailing back by now! Well, I guess I could give you a little advice before you leave. First, you have my blessing. Next, you must remember to be nice. Don't flaunt your money about in foolish decorations. Whatever you do, do not lend anything to anyone, and don't borrow either. You know interest can build up faster than… well, you get my point. Don't tell secrets and don't spread gossip. It may come back and bite you in the ass one day.

MAY: Alright, Dad, I'm leaving now.

LIZ J: Yes, you have to go now.

MAY: Bye. Ophelia, remember what I said.

EWAN: Yeah, I will.

MAY: See you all in Act four!! _(zips off stage)_

KELLY: Ugh, you're not supposed to tell them when you'll be back!!

MAY: Hehe, I don't give a shit!

KELLY: _(whips out flamethrower and aims at May)_

MAY: _(whips out beam cannon and aims at Kelly)_

KELLY and MAY: Grrrr….

MAY: Don't make me sick my anime troop on you.

KELLY: Like I would be afraid of a bunch of CARTOONS!

MAY: _(glare) _…………__trans. "I wanna kill you…"

EWAN: May we continue?

KELLY: _(melt)_

MAY: -_-;;; Oi…

LIZ J: OK. What did Laertes say to you?

EWAN: Just some stuff about Hamlet.

LIZ J: Ahh, good. I've heard about his interest in you. Has he made any moves?

EWAN: Yes. He's very nice. _(smile mischievously)_

LIZ J: Nice! Ha! He just wants to get laid. Do you think he wants you for you?

EWAN: _(glaring at Liz J) _Yes, he really loves me. Why does everyone think it's all about sex??

DAVE: _(off stage)_ Isn't that what life *is* all about?

LIZ E: _(sitting next to Dave, smacks him hard on the back of the head)_

DAVE: x_X _(falls on floor unconscious)_

LIZ E: _(grin)_

LIZ J: You're not old enough to be in a relationship. If you run around with that boy, you'll make a fool out of yourself and a mockery out of me!

EWAN: But he's been honorable! No unnecessary advances at all!

LIZ J: _(sarcastically) _I'm sure.

EWAN: He is very true to his word and has promised himself to me in a way similar to marriage.

LIZ J: Ay, springes to catch wood… hehehe… cocks.

KELLY: GODDAMMIT!!! Why do I always miss those particular verses?!?! _(stomps on stage with large black marker, grabs script, scribbles out phrase, flips through rest of script, scribbles here and there, hands it back to Liz J, and stomps off stage)_

AUDIENCE: _(chuckling very loudly)_

KELLY: _(pops head out from curtain and glares at audience)_

AUDIENCE: _(gulp!)_

LIZ J: _(looks at script)_ Now listen here, you. You are not to see him, speak to him, write to him, or even think of him! I'd better not catch you disobeying me either; you don't want to be on the receiving end of *that* stick if I do.

EWAN: _(sighs forlornly)_ Fine. I won't.

_(all exit)_


	4. Act 1, Scene 4

ACT I, Scene 4

_----The platform._

_(Enter Kelly, Shelly, and Dave)_

KELLY: Damn! It's coooold!

SHELLY: Just a tidbit nippy, yes.

KELLY: What time is it?

SHELLY: Um, somewhere before twelve.

DAVE: Nah, it's after. I'm sure I heard the clock strike.

SHELLY: Really? I didn't hear it. Well, either way, it's almost time for him to appear.

_(some really bad trumpets are heard from backstage)_

KELLY: Ugh, who said TJ and Jared could play the stage cued music?

MELISSA: _(backstage)_ No one. They just decided to replace the tape we had cued up.

KELLY: ARGH!! _(throws up her hands in defeat)_

SHELLY: OK, what do the trumpets mean?

KELLY: The *king* is having an up all night party. In other words – while the king is _shtooping_ my mom, the rest of the kingdom will be eating, drinking, dancing, and God knows what else all night long.

SHELLY: Is that a custom?

KELLY: Unfortunately, yes, it is. However, people are more concerned about the custom being broken rather than actually following it. Other countries think we're nothing but drunks, pigs, and any other detestable thing because of this so-called tradition. Sometimes I hate being Danish.

_(Lauren drops from the ceiling)_

SHELLY: ACK! There it is!

KELLY: Whether you're good or evil, I will speak to you as if you were my father, the king. Bring me with you. I want to know why you're still roaming the earth! What should I do?

_(Lauren 'beckons' Kelly)_

SHELLY: I think it wants you to go with it… _(gulp)_… Alone.

DAVE: It wants you to go with it to someplace where no one can see you. I don't like it. Don't go with him.

SHELLY: Yeah, don't go.

KELLY: It won't speak otherwise, so I have to go to find out what it wants.

SHELLY: No! Don't!

KELLY: Don't worry. I'll be perfectly fine. It still wants me to go, so I'm going.

SHELLY: But it could tempt you with sin! With evil deeds that seem good! It may make you go mad! Somehow it will capture your soul and bring it to the underworld!

KELLY: It wants me to go. Go on then, spirit. I'll follow.

DAVE: What, are you nuts? _(grabs shoulder)_

KELLY: I wouldn't be touching me right now if I were you. _(glares back at his hand, then into his face… he lets go)_

SHELLY: Hello! Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!

KELLY: My destiny awaits, and I WON'T turn it away.

_(Kelly goes over to Lauren, holds on for her life, and they're both lifted up… _THUD!_)_

KELLY and LAUREN: Ow~~!

SHELLY: He's too into this.

DAVE: Should we follow him, see where they're going?

SHELLY: But what would that accomplish? …… _(glances at script)_ Wait a minute… *He* gets the 'state of Denmark' line? Wha…what--?

DAVE: Hehehe.

SHELLY: _(glare)_ Don't make me sick May on you.

CHIBI-MAY: _(backstage, chained to a stake, foaming at the mouth, growling like a dog)_

***NOTE: Chibi-May is not – we repeat, NOT – the real May. *wink*

DAVE: _(gulp!)_

KELLY: _(off stage)_ Just let Dave say the line!

DAVE: No… If she wants to say it, she can have the line…

KELLY: DAVE!! JUST SAY IT!!

DAVE: _(hurried yelling) _Something is rotten in the state of Denmark!

SHELLY: Let's hope everything goes well.

DAVE: No, let's follow them.

_(exit)_


	5. Act 1, Scene 5

ACT I, Scene 5

_----Another part of the platform._

_(Enter Kelly and Lauren from the ceiling. Kelly drops to the floor)_

KELLY: Where are you taking me? I won't go any further.

LAUREN: _(silence)_

KELLY: Lauren, that's your cue.

LAUREN: Oh, right. _(looks at script for first line)_ Listen to me.

KELLY: Yep, I'm listening.

LAUREN: It's almost time for me to return to my own personal Hell. _(mumbles)_ Oh no, not Geology lab!

KELLY: You poor thing!

LAUREN: I'll tell you everything, but only if you don't feel sorry for me.

KELLY: M'kay.

LAUREN: You'll seek revenge after this

KELLY: What, already!?

LAUREN: I'm your Dad's ghost, and I was sent to purgatory because of foul play. Listen carefully—

KELLY: _(being overly dramatic) _Oh God!

LAUREN: Avenge my murder!

KELLY: Murder!

LAUREN: Murder most foul.

KELLY: Tell me so I can kick some ass ASAP!

LAUREN: The story of my death is a poisonous snakebite. Well, the only snake that killed me has taken my position!

KELLY: My Uncle?? DAMMIT!!

LAUREN: Yep, that bastard that took my wife. My wife that made an unmovable vow of loyalty to me when we married. But, I think dawn is coming soon, so I must make this quick. Your uncle found me napping in the orchard and poured poison in my ear, which killed me. Whatever you do, don't let my brother put his hands on my wife! Oh, and don't say anything to your mom either; her sins will come back and bite her in the ass in the afterlife. Well, here comes the sun, so remember me! _(glances at the ceiling, quickly unlatches her wires, drops to the floor safely, and walks of stage, leaving a trail of white powder, mumbling) _I'm not taking one more chance with those idiots up there. I've already got a bump the size of Alaska…

KELLY: _(mumbles)_ Smart move. _(rubs the back of her head tenderly, then speaks normally) _I will remember everything and I swear to avenge your death!!

_(Shelly and Dave enter)_

SHELLY: My lord—

DAVE: Er, lord Hamlet—

SHELLY: Heavens secure him!

KELLY: Alrighty.

DAVE: Am I *really* supposed to say this? I'll sound like fucking Santa Claus!

SHELLY: _(glares) _Watch your mouth and say the line.

DAVE: Eep! Hillo, ho, ho, my lord!

KELLY: Hillo, ho, ho, *boy*! I'm over here!

DAVE: Are you alright?

SHELLY: What happened?

KELLY: Wonderful!

SHELLY: Tell us.

KELLY: I don't trust you to keep it. _(eyes Dave in particular)_

SHELLY: I won't tell.

DAVE: Me either!

KELLY: You promise to keep it secret? _(moving aggressively towards Dave)_ If I hear one word out of someone's mouth regarding this, I'll have your neck---

DAVE: _(steps back, nearly falling on his ass)_

SHELLY and DAVE: We promise!!

KELLY: There's never a villain in Denmark.

SHELLY: Well, a ghost doesn't need to tell *us* that.

DAVE: Yeah, don't be so obvious.

KELLY: _(glares menacingly at Dave)_ True, that's true. But, I must go now, and do what I have to do.

SHELLY: Are you alright? 'Cause you're not making any sense.

KELLY: Sorry.

SHELLY: That's OK.

KELLY: Well, the ghost is truthful. But if you want to hear what happened, do one thing for me.

SHELLY: What?

KELLY: Don't *ever* tell anyone what you saw tonight.

SHELLY and DAVE: We won't tell.

KELLY: Swear it.

SHELLY: I won't.

DAVE: Me either.

KELLY: Swear on my sword.

MAY: _(off stage, looking around frantically) _Sword? Where? I want!

LIZ E: _(subduing May)_

SHELLY and KELLY: _(rolls eyes)_

DAVE: We already swore.

KELLY: Swear on my sword!

LAUREN: _(below the stage) _Swear!

KELLY: Ha ha! Listen to him!

SHELLY: Tell us what to say.

KELLY: _(holding out a big shiny sword) _That you won't ever speak of this night to anyone, swear on my sword.

LAUREN: _(still beneath the stage)_ Swear!

KELLY: _Hic et ubique?_

DAVE: Heh???

KELLY: It means 'Here and everywhere'……… We'll move somewhere else. Quick! Come over here and touch the sword while you swear.

LAUREN: _(yep, still below) _Swear!

KELLY: Well then? Swear! Or else the ghost will getcha!

SHELLY: This is getting *really* weird!

KELLY: Welcome it! There are more things in heaven and earth, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. Now just remember that you can't tell anyone about the ghost, and if I seem a little bonkers, don't – I repeat, DON'T – check me into a nuthouse.

LAUREN: _(yeah, yeah, you know)_ Swear!

KELLY: Calm down, ghosty. My friends will be quiet and never tell a soul. Let's go inside now; time has flown by. I will set the wrong right!! Let's go together.

_(exit)_

Tune in next time for Act 2!!


	6. Act 2, Scene 1

Title: Another Shakespeare Parody

Author: Tabitha Wexley (Kelly)

Warnings: May get EXTREMELY weird, silly, and quite outrageous at times throughout the play. Harsh language, threat to bodily harm, and mild violence used. No lifeguard on duty. Proceed at your own risk.

Disclaimers: Of course, I do not own Ewan McGregor… If I did, everyone knows where I'd be… Scotland. However, if he ever happens to read this, I may end up with a restraining order to stay about 100 yard away from him and every member of his family… :-D

ACT II, Scene 1

_----A room in Polonius' house._

_ (Enter Liz J with REYNALDO *Anna)_

LIZ J: Reynaldo, give him this money and my notes.

ANNA: Sure thing!

LIZ J: You should do well, and while you're there, ask people about his behavior.

ANNA: I was going to do that anyway.

LIZ J: Good. First ask them which Danes are in Paris, then how, and what means they keep, and where they stay. Who do they keep company with and how much it costs them. This should seem very random, and slowly drift towards asking about my son (Laertes, of course). Make it seem like you have a very distant connection to him, like knowing his friends, father, and technically him.

ANNA: Alright, then, sir.

LIZ J: And make sure you mention that you don't know him well. You can even lie about all you know about him… but not so much to diss him.

ANNA: I get it.

LIZ J: You can even go so far as to say he drinks, curses, gets into a bunch of fights--

ANNA: But I thought I wasn't supposed to diss him…

LIZ J: No, no! I'm not saying you should say that he is very "free spirited." _(she says the quotes making quote marks with her hands)_ I'm saying mention he's not perfect, but subtly.

ANNA: Um, but…

LIZ J: Will you do this? Will you know where to go?

ANNA: Yeah, I would. _(looks backstage at smiling Lauren, waves) _Hi, moomie!

KELLY: _(head drops with a sigh)_

LIZ J: And make sure he says something like "Good sir," or "friend," or "gentleman."

ANNA: Alrighty.

LIZ J: And then he should… He should do… Damn, I forgot what I was gonna say…

MELISSA: _(off stage, cheerfully shouting) _Just check the script like everyone else!

GRANT: _(also off stage)_ Actually, that *is* in the script.

MELISSA: _(glare)_

ANNA: You were saying "good sir, friend, or gentleman."

LIZ J: Riiiight. He should wrap up by saying, "Yeah, I saw him the other day doing such-and-such," or "with so-and-so."

DAVE: _(off stage, chuckling to himself) _Or "doing so-and-so with such-and-such."

LIZ E: _(hits Dave in the head again, this time with the full script… about 300 pages of it, knocking him off his chair)_

LIZ J: _(glances at the impending quarrel backstage, sighs, and continues)_ So, do you understand?

ANNA: Yep.

LIZ J: Good, g'bye.

ANNA: Byee!

LIZ J: _(as Anna is leaving) _Make sure you check him out yourself!

ANNA: Yes, sir!

LIZ J: And make sure he studies his music!

ANNA: _(getting annoyed) _Yes. Sir.

LIZ J: Farewell!

_(exit Anna, enter Ewan)_

LIZ J: Ophelia! What's wrong?

EWAN: I've just gotten the bejesus scared out of me!

MICHELLE: _(off stage, grinning) _He said 'Bejesus!'

MAY: -_-;; Yes, he did. _(fighting back the urge to cause a violent tantrum)_

LIZ J: What scared you?

EWAN: Hamlet just came into my room, disheveled, shirt hanging open—

ALL: O_O But, Hamlet's a… _girl_!

EWAN: --his clothes were a mess, like he'd been scared to death or in a bad fight. He was deathly pale and came to tell me his horrifying tale.

LIZ J: Mad for thy love?

EWAN: I have no idea, but it was frightening.

LIZ J: What'd he say?

EWAN: _(under his breath, speaking of Kelly instead of her character) _He practically raped me right there… _(normal)_ I mean, he grabbed me forcefully, studied my face intently for a long time, and finally sighed, letting me go. He closed his eyes and walked out the door without opening them once, but turned back to look one last time at me.

LIZ J: Come on, we'll tell the king about this. It seems Hamlet is going crazy out of love, which can make us do strange outrageous things. Have you said anything to make him upset lately?

DAVE: _(off stage) _He probably told her that he wouldn't sleep with her.

KELLY: _(shoots a glare at him so strong, he felt it without even looking at her, and runs to hide in the men's bathroom… in the next building)_

EWAN: No, I didn't say anything to him, but I did stop taking his letters like you told me to do, and refused to see him.

LIZ J: Well, *that's* what has gotten him upset! I have been too hasty and I never saw how he treated you. I thought he was going to screw you as soon as he got you alone! My bad! We'll just go tell the king. It's obvious he loves you, and if we hide it, it will cause horrible hatred. Telling it will not do as much harm.

_(all exit)_


	7. Act 2, Scene 2

ACT II, Scene 2

_----A room in the castle.                                 **WARNING! REALLY LONG SCENE!!! (7 pgs)**_

_(Enter Grant, Danny, ROSENCRANTZ *Doug, and GUILDENSTERN *TJ)_

GRANT: Welcome, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern! We've missed you! We sorta need you around here right now, that's why we sent for you. Hamlet has… changed. He's not acting the way he used to. We want you to look after him and find out what's causing this madness.

DANNY: _(still looking upset about his outfit) _We've heard so much about you two from him. If you help us find out what's making him this way, you will find it's *large* rewards soon after. _(holds out a handful of gold to imply they will be paid to spy)_

DOUG: _(throwing the script down to his side) _OK, will someone please tell me why I'm in a play written by… *her*? _(points to Kelly who glares evilly)_

LIZ J: _(pipes up to keep Kelly from attacking his throat) _Oh, see, in a way, she wants to make up with you. _(Kelly shoots a shocked-threatening-confused look at her) _See, she thinks your friendship ended on bad terms, so she wanted to see if she could mend it… like she tried before despite your stubbornness. _(she shoots a mischievous wink at Kelly, who smiles and nods)_

DOUG: _(feeling very cautious)_ Alright… _(picks up script) _*ahem* Your majesties only need to tell us what to do. No need for payment.

TJ: _(under his breath) _I might take payment for this payment. _(normal)_ Um, I have another objection… I don't like it that I got this part. I mean, I like the fact that I was cast, but I mean, why do I have to have a part that doesn't survive? I mean, everyone knows that Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are among the first to die.

DOUG: O_O Wait a minute… My part gets killed? So *that's* why you cast me! You just want to see me die, right? What the hell!

TJ: Oh, Dougie boy, we don't just get killed, we get beheaded. And you'll have a cow when you find out who kills us… She does. _(points to Kelly)_

KELLY: Hey! I don't *really* kill you! I just switch notes so instead of me getting killed, you do.

TONYA: _(sitting in front row of audience now, getting upset and ready to throw her entire bag of popcorn at stage) _What did I say before!? SOME OF US HAVEN'T READ THIS BEFORE! Leave a little suspense and surprise to us!

KELLY: ALRIGHT!!!! LET'S GET BACK TO THE PLAY!

TJ: _(nudging Doug warily)_ I don't know about you, but I truly fear for my life if she's gonna kill us.

KELLY: THAT'S NOT YOUR LINE, TJ!!!

TJ: Alright, alright! We will do whatever you tell us. Think of us as your servants.

GRANT: Thank you, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

DANNY: Thank you, Guildenstern and Rosencrantz. Please find Hamlet immediately.

TJ: We hope we can help.

DANNY: So do we!

_(Doug and TJ leave, muttering to each other about not liking their parts)_

_(Enter Liz J)_

LIZ J: The ambassadors have returned from Norway.

GRANT: Um, I thought I had a line here…

KELLY: Well, I uh… _(blushes)_ I didn't know how to rewrite it…

GRANT: _(sighs)_

LIZ J: I think I have found the reason why Hamlet's gone crazy.

GRANT: Well, tell us! That's all we really want to know.

LIZ J: Well, let me bring in the ambassadors first. I'll save the best news for last.

_(Liz J leaves)_

GRANT: Well, I hope he has found the answer. Lady _(turning to Danny) _Polonius says he's discovered why your son has gone loony.

DANNY: I have a bad feeling that the cause is his dad's death and our quick marriage.

GRANT: We shall see.

_(Enter Liz J with Alex and Marie)_

GRANT: Welcome! Tell us, Voltimand, what does Norway say?

MARIE: _(chuckling to herself) _I love that name! It sounds so evil!_ (normal)_ When we got there, we had Norway send out an arrest for Forty, jr. because he thought he was preparing to march on Poland and conquer Denmark in the process. However, when he was captured, he promised not to march on Poland, and we found out that he wasn't intending to harm Denmark, but just march *through*. So, Norway now pays Forty to employ the troops and has sent this treaty _(hands Grant a piece of paper)_ to ask polite passing through Denmark.

GRANT: Well, we are very please and thank you kindly for doing this for us. Now, go rest up! We'll feast with you tonight!

_(Alex does his mock salute, but quickly blocks Marie's attempt to hit him… unfortunately, she was ready for it and swiftly hit him on the back of the head as they leave)_

LIZ J: Well, since that is over, I will be brief. Hamlet seems bound for the loony bin, right? Everyone has seen his craziness – I mean, just look at how he jumped Ophelia a few scenes ago!

KELLY: _(off stage, glaring threateningly at Liz J)_

DANNY: *ahem* Don't dally, just get to the point.

LIZ J: But I am not dallying, I swear! All I say is that Hamlet is mad. I have a daughter, and she has given me these. _(takes out letter and reads)_ "To the celestial and my soul's idol, the most beautified Ophelia," – I don't like that word: "beautified" is such an ugly phrase… anyway. "In her excellent white bosom,:" etcetera, etcetera. _(mumbling)_ I wish I got letters like that…

DANNY: Are these from Hamlet to Ophelia?

LIZ J: Yep. Here's a little poem too.

               "Doubt thou the stars are fire;

               Doubt that the sun doth move;

               Doubt truth to be a liar;

               But never doubt I love."

               Then, he follows with this: "O dear Ophelia, I am ill at these numbers"—which means he sucks at verse—"I have no art to reckon my groans: but that I love thee best, O most best, believe it. Adieu. Thine evermore, most dear lady, whilst this machine is to him. Hamlet."  This is what Ophelia shows me obediently, and every time he has visited, she has told me about it.

GRANT: How has she treated his offers of love?

LIZ J: Do you trust me?

GRANT: Of course.

LIZ J: Well, I… I told her to refuse his letters, visits, and … his love. When I saw that he had gone mad shortly after, I realized this must be my doing. Don't you think?

GRANT: What do you think?

DANNY: Well, it's possible.

LIZ J: Have I ever been proven wrong?

_(there are knowing glances and raised eyebrows off stage)_

LIZ J: Better yet, don't answer that…

GRANT: Alright.

LIZ J: Well, if I am wrong, I will find the answer then. Trust me.

GRANT: How would we find it?

LIZ J: Sometimes he walks around here for hours on end. You and I will hide back there _(points to a big painting)_ and Ophelia will be sent here while we watch his reaction. If he doesn't react, then I am wrong. You'll be there to prove it. Sound good?

GRANT: Sure, we'll try it.

_(Kelly enters with a book)_

DANNY: Look, here comes sad Hamlet reading a book.

LIZ J: Quick, both of you get out of here. I'll talk with him for a while.

_(Danny and Grant leave)_

LIZ J: Hey, Hamlet. Wassup?

KELLY: Fine.

LIZ J: Do you know who I am?

KELLY: Of course! You are a fisherman.

LIZ J: No, I'm not.

KELLY: Oh, I wish you were honest.

LIZ J: Honest?!

KELLY: Yeah, honest. Honest people are so rare… like one in a million.

MICHELLE: _(off stage singing)_ You're one in a million, once in a lifetime, you help me discover all the stars above us…

KELLY: Mich!

MICHELLE: Oops.

LIZ J: Well, that's true.

KELLY: For if the sun breed maggots in a dead, being a good kissing carrion,--

MOST OF CAST: Ick!!!

KELLY: Do you have a daughter?

LIZ J: Yep.

KELLY: Don't let her walk in the sun, she might get sunburned. Pregnancy is a blessing, but if your daughter gets pregnant – watch out.

MICHELLE: She sounds like me!

CAST: SHHH!

MICHELLE: Sorry. I won't say anything else. _(grins)_

MAY: Ah, forget it, Mich. You don't have any lines anyway. Better get the talking out now while you can.

KELLY: *AHEM!*

LIZ J: _(talking to the audience) _Well, whaddya know? He's still thinking about Ophelia. He didn't know me at first, thinking I was a fisherman… he is pretty far out there. I know I did suffer from love when I was young, close, but not quite like this. I'll speak again. _(to Kelly) _Whatcha reading?

KELLY: Words, words, words.

LIZ J: What about?

KELLY: Who?

LIZ J: What do you read about?

KELLY: _(holds out the book showing the title clearly as chuckles rise from the audience: _Harry Potter_)_ I'm reading an interesting book about slander. It says that old men have gray beards, their faces are wrinkled, their eyes purging thick amber and plum-tree gum and that they have plentiful lack of wit, together with most weak hams: all which, sir, though I most powerfully and potently believe, yet I hold it not honesty to have it thus set down, for yourself, sir, should be as old as I am, if like a crab you could go backward.

LIZ J: _(to the audience) _This seems crazy, but it seems deliberate. _(to Kelly) _Will you walk with me outside?

KELLY: Into my grave.

LIZ J: Well, that is outside… but a little more than I meant. _(to the audience) _Some of his replies are gigantic, yet others are so small! Madness can do this, but not so subtly. I think I'll leave to plan Ophelia's encounter with him. _(to Kelly) _I will take my leave of you.

KELLY: You can't take anything from me that I wouldn't willingly give you. Except my life.

_(silence)_

_(Melissa pushes Doug and TJ reluctantly onto the stage)_

LIZ J: Bye. _(smiles mischievously as she turns to exit)_

KELLY: You difficult old man!!

LIZ J: _(to Doug and TJ) _You looking for Hamlet? There he is! _(laughs evilly as she exits)_

TJ: You scared?

DOUG: _(looking pale)_ No. _(gulps)_ God save you!

TJ: My honored… lord.

DOUG: My most dear lord.

KELLY: _(through a forced smile and gritting teeth, wraps her arms around their shoulders like a true friend) _Why, my great and wonderful friends! How is my buddy Guildenstern? Rosencrantz? How are the both of you?

DOUG: We're fine. Just fine.

TJ: We're happy… but not too happy. On a scale of one to ten, we are not and eleven.

KELLY: But I hope you're not a zero.

DOUG: Neither.

KELLY: Then you lie in the very middle… on a woman, we'd say you were around her… waist, or maybe just. A bit. Lower.

AUDIENCE: _(snickers)_

TJ: _(hesitantly) _Yeah, we are her privates.

AUDIENCE: _(full on laughter)_

KELLY:Ah, I see. You are where 'the sun don't shine.' Anywho, what's new? _(finally lets go of them and slides out from between, obviously uncomfortable)_

DOUG:Nothing much, just that the world has become honest.

KELLY: _(chuckling, glancing off stage at Dave then Liz E) _As someone I know would say, Oh no!! It's Armageddon!! The end of the world is near!!

LIZ E: _(bursts out laughing so hard, she falls off her chair)_

DAVE:_ (glares evilly at both Liz E and Kelly, who smile)_

KELLY: Let me specify – What brings you to this prison?

TJ: Prison?

KELLY: Denmark is a prison.

DOUG: Then so is the rest of the world.

KELLY: Well, it's a very large one that holds many confines, guards, and dungeons, Denmark being the worst.

DOUG: We don't think so.

KELLY: Well, then, it's not a prison to you. It's not good or bad, but thinking makes it one or the other, so it's a prison to me.

DOUG: Then you must be making it a prison by your attitude. Your imagination wants more than this around you; it's too narrow for your mind.

KELLY: God! If I lived in a nutshell, I could imagine that I had the entire universe inside that space, except my bad dreams prevent that from happening here.

TJ: But your dreams are your ambitions, yet your ambitions are merely a shadow of your dreams.

KELLY: Ah, but a dream itself is a shadow.

DOUG: Yes, but my ambitions and dreams are so light and airy that they are but shadows of shadows.

DAVE: _(off stage) _Did he just call himself an airhead?

LIZ E: In a way, yes. For once, you picked up some subtext.

AUDIENCE: _(chuckling)_

DOUG: _(glare)_

KELLY: But then the bums are merely bodies, and our kings and heroes are the bums' shadows. You know, forget this. Let's go to the court, I can't argue with you two.

DOUG and TJ: We'll come with you.

KELLY: _(stopping them)_ No, no. You don't have to. If you come along, we'll be swarmed with servants, and I don't want that. But, between friends, why are you here at Elsinore?

DOUG: Just to see you, that's all.

KELLY: Well, I am a bum, and I can't even afford to say thanks, yet I thank you anyway. My thanks are worth more than what's spent on them. Weren't you sent for? Or is this a truthful free visit? Come on, you know you can answer.

TJ: What do you want us to say?

KELLY: Oh, anything. I know you were sent for because your body language tells me and you haven't found a way yet to cover it up. The king and queen sent for you.

DOUG: But why would they do that?

KELLY: Well, I was hoping you'd tell me the answer to that question. _(glaring particularly at Doug)_ All I want is a straight answer, that if we are good friends, sticking by each other and being *honest* with each other, you will tell me if you really were sent for or not.

DOUG: _(whispering to TJ) _What do you think?

KELLY: _(Speaking quietly to herself so the audience can hear) _I am very suspicious right now—If you really are my friends, you won't keep this a secret from me.

TJ: _(apparently against Doug's will) _Yes, we were sent for.

KELLY: Let me guess, because that way you won't be discovered telling me why you're here. When my mother and uncle ask you if you told me, you won't be lying when you say no, and you won't have betrayed them. Here is the explanation of your visit: I've been acting differently lately and no one knows why. The king and queen have sent you to me to try and weasel out the answer to my madness. I take no pleasure from man or woman… but your smile seems to tell me you think otherwise.

ANNA: _(off stage, reading through the original script by Shakespeare) _O_O She summarized half a page into a paragraph! _(faints from shock)_

DOUG: I never thought that.

KELLY: Then why did you laugh when I said "I take no pleasure from man"?

DOUG: Well, if men don't please you—

DAVE: _(off stage, laughing madly) _Then that means she's gay!!

MAY: _(creeping up behind Dave with a large club raised to strike…)_

_(THUNK!!)_

DAVE:x_X _(falls off chair unconscious)_

DOUG: Er… If men don't please you, then the actors aren't going to be received well here, are they? We passed by a group of them on the way here, and they'll be here soon, too.

KELLY: Well, well. I will surely welcome all the actors. I'll welcome the actor who plays the king the most. And… _(glances at script… sums up quickly in head)_ all the players will be welcome and have a significant part in their play! Which troop comes here?

DOUG: The ones you watched often… the actors of the city.

KELLY: Why are they coming here? They usually stay put in the city. They made more money that way.

DOUG: Well, I think they're here because of the new law against plays in public because of the new plays indoors.

KELLY: Are they as good as I remember them? Do they still have their fan following?

DOUG: Unfortunately, no.

KELLY: What? Why!? Did they suddenly start sucking?

DOUG: Uh… no. They have much competition lately, and the people seem to like everyone but them.

KELLY: What… are they children?? Will they watch the theater only until they hit puberty? Don't they feel that they should join with the players and writers to help the image portrayed of them?

DOUG: The people are different nowadays. They don't want to see a play unless the actors somehow resort to fisticuffs.

KELLY: Is it possible?

TJ: There's been a lot of word throwing and name-calling.

KELLY: Who wins? Do the actors?

DOUG: Yep.

KELLY: It's not that strange. My uncle has become king, and all of those that used to grimace at him while my father was alive, now pay twenty, forty, up to a hundred bucks a piece for a tiny portrait of him. Now, that is obviously not natural, so why should I be surprised at this?

_(Jared backstage blows a really bad note on his trumpet to signify the players' entrance, yet they are not seen. In the middle of an octave change, there's a loud THUMP, the note cracks and disappears, a loud clatter is heard, then silence)_

KELLY: _(glances backstage… spots Melissa)_

MELISSA:_ (grins innocently hiding a large club behind her back)_

JARED: x_X_ (lying on floor beside his trumpet)_

KELLY: Er… right. Get on with it.

TJ: Uh… there are the players. _(points)_

KELLY: Alrighty then. Well then, boys. _(looks at both Doug and TJ)_ You're welcome to Elsinore. Let's continue with the formal greetings and such, so I may do so with the actors. You two are welcome – but my uncle-father and aunt-mother are deceived.

TJ: _(confused) _Heh??

KELLY: Hehe. I am but mad north-north-west: when the wind is southerly I know a hawk from a handsaw.

DAVE, ALEX, both LIZes, and some extras: _(offstage)_ What the hell did she just say???

SHELLY: _(offstage) _She's not all crazy, just a little.

ALEX: _(offstage)_ That's not true!! She's a complete loony!

KELLY: _(glares evilly at Alex)_ You remember what I kept threatening you with back in your freshman year? If you kept acting up I would make you do push-ups with my *foot* on your *ass*. Do you want me to actually *do* that? Or something WORSE!?!?!

ALEX: _(gulp) _Uh-uh. No, that's alright. _(shrinks down to chibi size and hides behind Liz E)_

KELLY:Thank you.

_(Enter Liz J)_

LIZ J: I'm ba~~ck!

KELLY: Listen closely, Guildenstern; and you too, Rosencrantz. Observe this sad infant not yet out of his diapers.

DOUG: Well, there is the second coming, for they say an old man is twice a child.

KELLY: Hehe. _(puts fingertips on temples on shuts her eyes, acting like a great fortuneteller)_ My prophecy is that he has come to tell us about the troop of actors. Remember that – I said it on Monday morning.

DAVE: _(backstage)_ But… it's Saturday night… isn't it?

LIZ E: _(sarcastically)_ No, Dave, you slept through the weekend… *again*.

MAY: It's supposed to throw off Polonius. It's in the script.

DAVE: Right… and who's Polonius?

ALL: AARRGH!!

KELLY: _(sigh)_

LIZ J: Hey there, I've got some cool news!

KELLY: _(imitating Liz J) _Hey there, I've got some cool news! Brad Pitt is a famous—

MICHELLE: _(offstage) _And *hot*!!

KELLY: — actor in Hollywood…

LIZ J: The actors are on their way here.

KELLY: _(waving her hand in a bored way) _Yeah, yeah, yeah.

LIZ J: Upon my honor, —

KELLY: Then came each actor on his ass, —

DAVE: _(giggling evilly)_ She… said… ass… _(collapses with laughter)_

LIZ J: _(rolls her eyes) _The best actors in the world, either for tragedy, comedy, history, pastoral, pastoral-comical, historical-pastoral…_(looks at script, scans down, looks up in confusion)_ This goes on forever!!

KELLY: _(whispering)_ Just read it. It has a point.

LIZ J: _(waiting for point to be clarified)_

KELLY: ……… OK, so it doesn't *really* have a point… But it's only a paragraph!

LIZ J: _(cocks head to one side in contradiction) _An ordinary paragraph may be pretty small, yes. But a *Shakespearean* paragraph can last for HOURS!!

KELLY: ………… Alrighty, we'll skip it. Go to… _(scans script) _line 376, when the players enter.

_(silence)_

KELLY: Pam? Kristen? That's you.

PAM and KRISTEN: _(sleeping backstage, figuring they had a good hour or two before their entrance)_

LIZ E: Um… I'll get 'em. _(runs to Pam and Kristen and shakes them awake)_ It's your cue, guys! Wake up!!

PAM: o_- … Heh?

KRISTEN: x_X zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz _(rolls over and continues to sleep)_

KELLY: Tell her the building's on fire! That seemed to work last time… _(glances at TJ, looking oblivious)_

LIZ E: _(smirks, shakes Kristen again, yells) _Kristen!! The building's on fire!! Get up!

KRISTEN: O_O_ (sits straight up) _HEH!?! What'd TJ do *this* time??

TJ: -_-;;;

ALL: _(smirking and laughing)_

LIZ E: Just kidding. Now come on! It's your cue! Both of you are supposed to be on stage RIGHT NOW!

PAM and KRISTEN: Cripes!! _(both bolt onto the stage)_

_(Enter FIRST PLAYER *Pam and SECOND PLAYER *Kristen)_

KELLY: Welcome, friends, welcome. It's good to see you. My lord, you've changed! You've all gotten so much older since I last saw you. I hope that your looks are the only things that have changed, unless they've changed for the better. Come, come! Give a glorious speech.

PAM: Um… what do you want us to say?

KELLY: I heard you give a speech once, but it wasn't acted – unless it was acted so well that no one could tell. I remember your plays were not appreciated by many, but I loved them and believed them to be the best there will ever be. I remember one particular play – specifically the scene between Æneas and Dido about Priam's slaughter. Please, start there.

LIZ J: Lord, you could do it much better than they could.

KELLY: Hush up.

KRISTEN: Uh… _(looks at script in shock)_ Could we just say I did it? It's too long and I don't want to say all those Greek words and stuff.

LIZ J: I agree, but I'm supposed to say it's too long, so I don't think my opinion matters.

KELLY: ………… OK. Fine… _(looks at script)_ Skip to line 466. Polonius.

LIZ J: _(scans script)_ Look! He's crying! This is enough, no more.

KELLY: OK, I'll have you speak the rest some other time. Polonius, find them a good place to stay while they're here. It's better that you should have a horrible epitaph on your grave stone than an ill report from them while you're alive.

LIZ J: Alright, I'll fix them up special.

KELLY: Okie dokie.

LIZ J: Come along, sirs.

KELLY: Follow him. Oh, and we'd like to see a play tomorrow. _(takes Pam aside and speaks quietly to her) _Can you play The Murder of Gonzago?

PAM: Sure.

KELLY: Um, if I give you a speech of… let's say… sixteen lines, would you insert it into the play for tomorrow night's performance?

PAM: Sure.

KELLY: Cool. Now, follow him, and try not to make fun. I'll see you _(to Doug and TJ) _later tonight. You're all welcome in Elsinore.

DOUG: Thank you, sir.

_(All but Kelly exit)_

KELLY: _(steps to center of stage very seriously, then, all of a sudden…jumps up and down in an excited frenzy screaming)_ MY FAVORITE SOLILOQUY!! MY FAVORITE SOLILOQUY!!

MICHELLE: _(offstage) _Alright already!! It's a page and a half long! Just GET IT OVER WITH!!

KELLY: Right… Now I am alone.

               O, what a rogue and peasant slave am I!

               Is it not monstrous that this player here,

But in a fiction, in a dream of passion,

Could force his soul so to his own conceit

That from her working, all his visage wann'd,

Tears in his eyes, distraction in his aspect,

A broken voice, and his whole function suiting

With forms to his conceit? and all for nothing! _(dramatic pause)_

DAVE: Is that it?

KELLY: _(glare) _No. I'm not done yet. Can I continue?

DAVE: Uh… yeah.

KELLY: Thank you. *ahem* For Hecuba!

What's Hecuba to him, or he to Hecuba,

That he should weep for her? _(dramatic pause, takes a breath to continue)_

MICHELLE: _(offstage)_ Are you done now?

KELLY: *NO!!!* _(begins to seethe)_

MAY: _(walks out slowly with a cup of some weird colored liquid, steps up to Kelly) _Uh… Kelly?

KELLY: WHAAAAAAT!?!

MAY: Eep!! _(shrinks slightly, holds out cup) _Uh… do you think you should drink a little of your potion? You know, just in case Arienne decides to show up?

KELLY: Hm… that's not a bad idea. I haven't had any in a few days. Sure. _(takes cup and gulps down)_

MAY: _(walks off, smiles evilly to herself) _That should do the trick. _(giggles madly and ducks behind a large prop wall)_

KELLY: _(finishes drink, tosses glass to the side) _What would he do,

Had he the motive and the cue for passion…_ (suddenly, her voice gets higher, speech goes faster, to the point where she sounds like one of the Chipmunks)_

ALL: O_O What the hell??

KELLY: _(finishes her page and a half speech -- that should last about ten minutes – in three and a half seconds)_

_(silence)_

ALL: _(blink, blink)_

KELLY: _(moves really fast over to where May hides, throws wall out of way, taps May repeatedly) _May, Whdyouputimyrink?

MAY: _(looks up nervously) _What??

KELLY: _(speaking slower, but still pretty fast) _WHAT DID YOU PUT IN MY DRINK!?

MAY: Uh… A medical pills… uh.. vitamins! Yeah, vitamins!

KELLY: _(grabs May by the shirt, lifts her off the floor and over her head) _Why do I not believe you?!

SHELLY: Wait a minute… _(looks at pile of pills on table in back of theater) _There are three kinds of pills on this table…

KELLY: _(drags May over to table and drops her to her feet to observe) _EXPLAIN THESE! …. I'll be right back. _(zips off and zooms around the theater in a blur)_

SHELLY: What exactly did you put in the drink, May? Which of these?

MAY: _(looking innocent) _Uh, a couple of these blank white circles, a couple of those white ones with exes on them, but mostly these. _(holds up an empty box of No-Doz)_

SHELLY: O_O WHAT?? The pill with the X on it is ecstasy, and this one's speed!! You may kill her!!

MAY: ……Oops?

KELLY: _(meanwhile, just a blur whizzing past everyone, around the stage, up the walls, probably all around the state but no one can follow her)_

MAY: Maybe the potion cancelled out some of the harmful effects?

SHELLY: THAT DOESN'T MATTER!! _(calls on Vincent and lets him wreak havoc upon her for a while)_

MAY: _(runs screaming as fast as she can away from Vincent… her G-boys watch her from the wings not daring to stick their necks out)_

KELLY: _(suddenly stops in the center of the stage with a stoned look on her face, smiles dopily, then slurs her speech) _I think I'm done fer d-day. _(collapses into a heap)_

ALL: ACK!! _(all run to help her, someone yells) _Call an ambulance! _(curtain closes)_

KELLY: _(heard from other side) _No, no, mumsy… I dun wanna feed the goosies… they're mean.

DAVE: _(heard from other side) _Does this mean the scene's over?

ALL: *DAAAAAAAVE!!*

MAY: _(runs screaming by the curtain chased quickly by Vincent)_

-- Don't worry, she'll be OK. Just stayed tuned for the next chapter of "Morons on Shakespeare." (I had to end it somehow. *shrug*)


	8. Act 3, Scene 1

**This act and the ones to follow are proudly dedicated to my late grandmother, Honora Ferris Pendergrass who died Christmas morning, 2001. May she rest in peace.**

Title: Another Shakespeare Parody

Author: Tabitha Wexley (Kelly)

Warnings: May get EXTREMELY weird, silly, and quite outrageous at times throughout the play. Harsh language, threat to bodily harm, and mild violence used. No lifeguard on duty. Proceed at your own risk.

Disclaimers: For those of you who were worried at the end of the last act, Kelly is doing fine. She was released from the hospital this morning… Well, I use the term 'released' very loosely. She kind of tied the bed sheets together to make a rope, and… well, she's just here and doing fine. Special surprise guest appears courtesy of Tabitha's (Kelly's) imagination. Who knows what can pop outta there? Her mind's like an E-Z Bake Oven of ideas… Like I said before, proceed at your own risk – This one gets a little out of hand…

***For those of you who have never read this play and do not know the synopsis of it, here's a sum-up of what happened in the last two acts… Hamlet is a prince who's uncle killed his father and married his mother. Hamlet finds this out from his father's ghost. This, of course, pisses him off. Hamlet is also in love with Ophelia, the daughter of Polonius who is an assistant to Hamlet's uncle. Hamlet's friends, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, are now employed by the king and queen to spy on Hamlet and report back to them to find out what's wrong with him. The big speech that was sort of cut out at the end of Act II, Scene 2 was saying that Hamlet plans to put on a play recreating the murder of King Hamlet, sr. And now, the continuation of HAMLET.

ACT III, Scene 1

_----A room in the castle._

_(Enter Grant, Danny—who has stripped off his dress and is now wearing more manly clothes—Liz J, Doug, and TJ)_

GRANT: _(glances at Danny's new outfit)_ I don't think Kelly will like that you've changed…

DANNY: I don't care. I am not a drag queen. I wear what I want to wear. 'Nuff said.

GRANT: Okie dokie. Can you get him to tell you why he's gone mad without letting on that's what you're after?

DOUG: He does say he's distracted, but he won't say why.

TJ: And he didn't seem to want to tell us either. He was very crafty in keeping off the subject.

DANNY: Did he welcome you?

DOUG: Yeah.

TJ: But against his will.

DOUG: He didn't want to talk, but he answered our questions.

DANNY: Did you try to remind him of the old days?

DOUG: Well, see, it turns out we ran into some actors on the way to Denmark, and we told Hamlet of this. He seemed to be pretty happy at this, and he has already arranged a play to be performed tonight.

LIZ J: Too true, and he wants the two of you to be there to watch the play.

GRANT: Well then, I am so very happy to hear this. Well, boys, continue the good work.

DOUG: Yes sir.

_(Exit Doug and TJ)_

GRANT: _(rolling his eyes, puts his arm around Danny's waist reluctantly)_ Darling Gertrude, you should go, too. We have sent for Hamlet and he will show up soon to 'bump into'….. Ophelia?  _(looks around for Ophelia)_ Um, where is the Scott?

CAST: Uh….. _(shrug)_

GRANT: _(throws down script)_ He's a professional actor, right? Shouldn't he know that plays are *much* different from movies?! He has to be here on time, otherwise we can't function!! What are we gonna do now?!?!

EVERYONE: ………… trans. "How the hell are *we* supposed to know?"

SHELLY: _(jumps onto stage)_ Wait a minute! Kelly told me something that might help! Anyone have a cell phone? _(about fifty or so people whip out different versions and brands of phones and they all begin beeping different tunes… Shelly looks puzzled) _Um… OK. Can I borrow one? _(half the people sit back down, assuming they won't have to. A few more start up on the stage, but four phones are *thrown* at Shelly, who goes wide-eyed and flinches, throwing her arms up protectively in front of her. She catches one… by chance) _Uh… thanks… I think. Be right back! _(zips outside)_

CAST:_ (stands around dopily saying nothing but quiet whispers in exasperation)_

SHELLY:_ (zips back on stage, out of breath and smiling from ear to ear)_ Alrighty! We have a replacement on his way!

EVERYONE: ……Heh??

SHELLY: No problem! He should be here… _(looks at watch)_ any second.

_(a knock is heard somewhere far off stage)_

SHELLY: I got it! _(runs backstage to door, returning shortly with…)_ Say hello to Colin McGregor!!

EVERYONE: O_O ………… trans. "Who the hell is Colin McGregor?"

_(silence… somewhere in the distance, a cricket chirps)_

SHELLY: -_-;;; This is Ewan's BROTHER!! He looks like Ewan, and I thought he could replace him for a little while. _(pause)_ What do you think?

_(astonished silence)_

LAUREN: Is he single?

EVERYONE ELSE: _(sigh) _Ugh…

SHELLY: Um… I don't know… _(looks to Colin) Are you single?_

COLIN: Er… I don't think that matters…

LAUREN: _(melts) He's got the same accent!! I'll take him!_

SHELLY: Uh, he's not here for your pleasure, Lauren. He's here to act.

COLIN: Right, why is that again?

MELISSA: _(appears on stage next to Colin, smiling sweetly) Your brother, Ewan, was helping us with a new version of Shakespeare's __Hamlet. We have decided to rewrite the play so both kinds of people can enjoy it – those who love and understand it, and those who have no freaking clue what the hell he was trying to say._

COLIN: …….. OK. So, if I'm replacing Ewan, what's my part?

MAY: O_O You mean, Shelly didn't tell you over the phone??

COLIN: No… why? What is it?

SHELLY: ^ ^;;; Uh, well… you get the part of…… Ophelia.

COLIN: O_O A GIRL!?!? I'm in the Royal Air Force!! If anyone catches me in a dress, my career is through!!

MELISSA: But it's for a good cause!

COLIN: And that would be…?

MELISSA: ……… Uh… Entertaining the masses?

MAY: Helping out a bunch of college kids interested in possibly becoming involved in theater or media?

SHELLY: Spreading the knowledge of Shakespeare throughout our uneducated culture?

AUDIENCE: _(glare)_

DAVE: _(glare)_

SHELLY: Sorry…

COLIN: I don't care. I'm *NOT* wearing a dress! _(turns to leave in a huff)_

LAUREN:_ Wait! __(runs up to him, grabs his arm, whispers something into his ear that makes his eyes go wide)_

COLIN:_ (stops dead in his tracks, looks at Lauren in semi-shock, looks around a little) OK, fine. I'll do it._

SHELLY: O_O Really?? You will?

COLIN: Yeah, sure. Where do I get dressed?

_(Little people in black come out and hand him a large turquoise puffball they called a dress)_

COLIN: Um… OK. Over my clothes?

_(They nod in unison)_

COLIN: Alright. I'll be back… _(walks offstage to get dressed)_

MICHELLE: _(runs on stage and grabs Lauren, who's smiling like mad, and whispers) I can't believe you got him to do it! I so thought he was gonna ditch us faster than a bastard! __(pauses and looks at Lauren's face) Uh, Lauren… What exactly *did* you say to him?_

LAUREN: None of your business! But… I wanted to ask you… can I have one of those little items in the paper bag?

MICHELLE: O_O WHAT?!?!

MAY: _(signaling violently to the stage-hands to close the curtain) QUICK! Before they say anything I'll regret!! CLOSE THE FREAKING CURTAIN!!_

_(curtain closes VERY quickly… very loud yelling can be heard from behind, recognized as both May's and Michelle's voices directed at Lauren)_

_(after a short while, the voices stop, loud footsteps are heard, the curtain opens to Colin – now playing Ophelia – Grant, Danny, and Liz J)_

GRANT: Alright, let's do this. *ahem* Darling Gertrude, you should go, too. We have sent for Hamlet and he will show up soon to 'bump into' Ophelia, as we've planned. We'll spy on the encounter and determine if Hamlet's madness is truly for the love of Ophelia or some other matter.

MELISSA: _(offstage) Hey! That's an invasion of privacy!_

LIZ E: _(also offstage) No, that's spying! But it's the same… sort of… violation…!_

GRANT: _(looking more pissed than anyone has ever seen him) CAN WE GET BACK TO THE PLAY!?!?_

_(silence)_

GRANT: Thank you.

DANNY: _(edging quietly away from Grant, very paranoid) Yes, sir. And Ophelia, I hope that Hamlet is only mad for your love. That would mean that there's some hope that your love could also cure his madness._

COLIN: I hope so too.

_(Exit Danny)_

LIZ J: _(eyeing Colin, and says under her breath) Lordy, you *do* look alike. You are scrumptious…_

MAY: *ahem!*

LIZ J: Right… _(looks at script) Ophelia, when he comes along, walk here, and we'll hide over there. Read this book and look like you're so lonely that you have devoted yourself to it completely. It's happened that by looking like you are so occupied, that you may even convince the devil to pass over._

GRANT: _(to the audience) Yes, it's true. How that speech whipped at my conscience! My lies are as evil as the deed I must lie to hide!_

LIZ J: I can hear him coming; quick, let's hide!

_(Grant and Liz J exit the stage to hide, and Colin does as he was told)_

_(silence)_

COLIN: Er, how long am I supposed to wait out here? And who exactly is playing Hamlet?

_(silence, crickets chirping in distance)_

ALEX: Wait a minute…

LIZ E: Um, where's Kelly?

MELISSA: I thought this was her big speech.

SHELLY: It is. She was pretty psyched to say it.

TONYA: Then where is she?

LIZ J: We can't just have a big pause in the middle of a scene!

MAY: Wait! I've got an idea! _(grabs Dave and shoves him into the center of the stage)_

COLIN: _(looking very confused at Dave) _…………

DAVE: Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing??

MICHELLE: Oh, I get it! We're gonna have Dave distract them until she gets back, right?

MAY: Sort of. I figured we could have him say her lines until she can take over.

LIZ E: O_O You know you're asking for disaster.

LAUREN: Well, it's only for now.

DAVE: _(looks absolutely terrified)_ Um, what am I supposed to say?

SHELLY: You know the 'To be, or not to be' speech, right?

DAVE: Uh…

SHELLY: Just go ahead!

DAVE: Um… To be…… or… er… ugh, what was the question? _(faints)_

_(loud scrambling is heard from wa~~y off stage, slowly getting louder and closer)_

KELLY: Wait! Wait, I'm here!! _(scrambles on stage from back door, panting heavily, hair all messy, shirt untucked and backwards, jacket on inside out, shoes untied)_

_(little people in black drag Dave off stage)_

EVERYONE: O_O;;;

LIZ E: Uh, Kelly… Have you seen what you look like?

KELLY: Heh? _(unaware of what she looks like, obviously)_

MAY: Oh, no. _(shakes her head exasperated)_ Kelly, where have you *been*?

_(Kelly's friends/co-stars all suddenly realize what's going on)_

SHELLY: _(shocked) _Kelly!

TONYA: Whoa, naughty girl!

BOTH LIZ'S: Way to go!!

LAUREN: _(sad and upset) _Hey, he's mine!! … But, I'll stick with Colin. _(smirks at Colin)_

COLIN:_ (gulp)_

KELLY: _(blushing madly, but smiling a little)_

MICHELLE: We should have known… Why else would Kelly *and* Ewan be missing at the same time?

_(Ewan enters, fiddling with his skirt, looks up to see almost  everyone staring at him astonished)_

EWAN: … What?

COLIN: Uh, Ewan…

EWAN: Colin? What are you doing here? And why are you wearing that dress?

COLIN: Er… I'll explain in a minute. But first… are you and Eve having some trouble again?

EWAN: _(pauses to stare, feels prickles on his face, then blurts out) _What are you talking about? We're doing fine. Why would we be having any trouble? _(pauses nervously, throws his head back in a loud laugh)_

MAY:Hey! The prickles, the blurts, and the head laugh!! HAHAHAHA!! It's true!

EWAN: _(blushes, glances over and notices Kelly in her state) _Hey, why'd you burst out so quickly?

KELLY: _(blushes, looks away with a tight lipped smile) _Um… I heard my cue…

EWAN: But… that would mean… Ah. Right. Colin is here to replace me because I was missing.

COLIN: Yeah, but that's not the problem. _(crosses his arms over his chest) _What just happened with her? _(points in contempt at Kelly who glares back in protest)_ You've never missed a cue in your life. If you weren't doing something you shouldn't have, then what on this earth made you miss your cue?

ALL: _(silence)_

EWAN: _(becomes very interested in the floor)_

COLIN: Uh-huh. I see.

MICHELLE: Kelly… Where's the paper bag?

KELLY: _(blushes brightly)_

TONYA: Wait… What's in the paper bag?

ALL: Yeah, what's with the bag?

KELLY, MICHELLE, MAY, LAUREN, ANNA, and SHELLY: _(silent)_

MAY: Er… Nevermind.

MARIE: Wow, Kel, I don't think we should've continued the play today. That stuff May gave you must have made you *completely* flip your lid.

KELLY: Well, can we save this discussion for later and get on with the play?

ALL: _(glance at each other thinking it over)_

ANNA: You know, I think we should continue. If we make a big deal of this, there'll be words we'll regret, friendships broken, and I won't be able to enjoy the rest of this play!

TONYA: I think she's right. I wanna see this too! Let's get on with it, alright?

EVERYONE ELSE: _(sigh) _Alright.

KELLY: _(grin)_

LAUREN: Wait! Who's going to play Ophelia now? Colin or Ewan?

COLIN: _(glances at Ewan)_

EWAN: _(glances at Colin)_

ALL: Don't care.

KELLY: Ewan.

LAUREN: Colin!

MICHELLE: Who cares!?

KELLY and LAUREN: VOTE!

LIZ J: THAT'S IT! I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!! I have a large part in this play, which I would REALLY like to keep. So I say we keep Ewan as Ophelia, he was doing a fine job. Colin can stay if he wants to watch, but he won't have a part. Do you mind?

COLIN: Er… no. That's fine.

LIZ J: Good. Let's finish this.

_(stage clears leaving Kelly and Ewan on opposite sides)_

KELLY: _(notices Danny not wearing his costume) _Who told him he could change?

KRISTEN: He did it himself.

GRANT: I tried to warn him that you wouldn't like it.

KELLY: Oh, fuck it. Everyone's gone off and done what they wanted anyway. And it *is* just a costume. I don't care anymore.

ALL: O_O What??

KELLY: Come on. It doesn't matter anymore. Hello! I just did something *very* naughty in the back room with a famous, married, thirty-year-old father! Do you think a dress *really* matters that much right now?!

EWAN: _(blushes and gets interested in the floor again)_

TONYA:Uh, how about we don't talk about that anymore and just get on with it? That sound OK with everyone?

ALL: …… Er, fine.

KELLY: Good. *ahem* To be, or not to be: that is the question:

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,

And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;

No more; and by a sleep to say we end

The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks

That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;

To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come

When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,

Must give us pause: _(dramatic pause)_ And, no, Dave. I'm not done yet.

_(takes deep breath to calm herself as Dave creeps off to hide in the alley outside)_

There's the respect that makes calamity of so long life;

For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,

The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,

The pangs of despis'd love, the law's delay,

The innocence of office, and the spurns

That patient merit of the unworthy takes,

When he himself might his quietus make

With a bare bodkin? ––

MAY: _(runs in screaming the top of her lungs) _KELLY~~~!!

KELLY: _(stops and gives May a look of confused horror, while May huffs and puffs with Chibi May in her hands crying) _Heh?!?

MAY: NEVER PLAY THAT SONG AGAIN!!!

KELLY: _(still confused, staring at the Chibi May with wonder) _What??? Where'd you get that little doll of yourself?

MAY: It's not a doll! Somebody turned my future self into a chibi, and NOW LOOK WHAT HAPPENED!! It's YOUR fault!!!

KELLY: Er…. Heh?

MICHELLE: _(enters with a troop of backup singers – including Tonya, Anna, Marie, Melissa, Alex, and introducing Alison who had just arrived to help out Michelle – in full tap costume and they sing) _I like Chinese! I like Chinese!

REST OF CAST: _(who woke up when May came in screaming, are now amazed by all the song and dance)_

KELLY:_ (chuckles)_

MAY:_ (slaps Kelly swiftly across face)_

KELLY:OW! Hey, it's not my fault! She likes the song! And mostly because it bugs you so much. If you look like you like that song and it doesn't bother you, she might stop.

MAY: _(begins to sob like Chibi May) _Just make it stop…

KELLY: And just how am I supposed to do that??

MAY: I DON'T CARE HOW!! JUST STOP IT!!!

KELLY: Erm…. _(grabs both Mays and drags them offstage to the sound proof booth Kelly had rigged up to escape the insanity of her cast and tosses them in, hooking up a sound system that plays nothing but U2's Elevation into the booth)_

MAYS:_ (uncurl out of fetal position, blink, begin to mosh around to the music in utter enjoyment)_

KELLY:I hope she doesn't squash herself… _(walks back and lets Michelle and her troop have their fun)_

MICH and company: All together now!! Follow the bouncing ball!!

_(words suddenly appear on stage with a ball bouncing from word to word as they're sung)_

CAST: _(sweatdrop)_

MICH: _(singing) _I like Chinese, I like Chinese

They only come up to your knees

Yet they're always friendly and they're ready to please

I like Chinese, I like Chinese

There's nine hundred million of them in the world today

You'd better learn to like them, that's what I say

I like Chinese, I like Chinese

They come from a long way overseas

But they're cute and they're cuddly and they're ready to please

I like Chinese food, the waiters never are rude

Think of the many things they've done to impress

There's Maoism, Taoism, I-Ching and chess

I like Chinese, I like Chinese

I like their tiny little trees

They're Zen, they're ping-pong, Yin and Yang-ese

I like Chinese thought, the wisdom that Confucius taught

If Darwin is anything to shout about

The Chinese will survive us all without any doubt

I like Chinese, I like Chinese

They only come up to your knees

Yet they're wise and they're witty and they're ready to please

Wo ai zhong guo ren, wo ai zhong guo ren

Wo ai zhong guo ren

Ni hao ma? Ni hao ma? Ni hao ma?  Zai Jian

I like Chinese, I like Chinese

Their food is guaranteed to please

A fourteen, a seven, a nine and lychees

I like Chinese, I like Chinese

I like their tiny little trees

They're Zen, they're ping-pong, they're Yin and Yang-ese

EWAN: _(eyes wide and mouth open)_ That was incredible!

MICH: _(blush)_

KELLY: Very well done! Have you been practicing?

MICH: What else can we do while the rest of this goes on and we're stuck back there?

KELLY: Understood. _(walks off, retrieves Mays) _It's all over. You can come out.

MAYS: We don't want to!!!

KELLY: ……… Okie dokie. _(returns to stage) _I'll just say my cue line and we'll continue. Soft you now! The fair Ophelia.—Nymph, in thy orisons be all my sins remember'd.

EWAN: Er, right. _(scans script) _My lord, how are you today?

KELLY: Fine, thanks.

EWAN: Um, sir, I have a load of old things of yours I've been wanting to unload. I hope you'd take them back without a tantrum. _(holds out an open box full of letters, little toys, and a small paper bag)_

KELLY: O_O Erm… _(quickly rips the bag out of the box and tosses it to Michelle, now offstage, who immediately stashes it safely away)_

EWAN: Oops… Didn't know that was in there… _(smiles sheepishly)_

KELLY: *ahem* Right. I never gave you those things.

EWAN: Sir, you know damn well you did. And these all came with such beautifully alluring words that they made them all seem to be worth so much more. Their sparkle has faded, so please take them all back. Even the richest gifts become poor when the givers turn cruel. Here. _(holds them out further to show detest)_

KELLY: _(laughs exaggeratedly) _Ha!! Are you serious?

EWAN: Pardon?

KELLY: Are you real?

EWAN: What do you mean?

KELLY: _(acting upset)_ That if you're truthful and pretty, your honesty should say nothing about your beauty.

EWAN: Could beauty sell better than honesty?

KELLY: Ay, it could. For beauty could change the honesty of a man's answer, yet honesty can hardly change the form of beauty as quickly. _(turns away from Ewan)_ And like that, I can say I did love you once.

EWAN: _(looking hurt) _Yes, you made me think so.

KELLY: You shouldn't have believed me! I never loved you!

DAVE: _(offstage) _I'm confused…

LIZ E: _(offstage) _When are you ever *not* confused?

DAVE: But… I thought she said she used to love him?

MELISSA: _(offstage)_ She did.

DAVE: But… then, why did she just say she never loved him?

MAY: _(back from booth, Chibi May gone back to wherever)_ Uh… She's trying to act mad?

KELLY: _(glares at them all to be quiet)_

EWAN: _(looks about to cry) _Well, then… I guess I was even more deceived.

KELLY: Get to a nunnery! A… _(raises her eyebrows to make her point) _*nunnery*, I say!

DAVE: Uh… why is she using that word like a sex joke?

SHELLY: _(offstage)_ Because that's what it's supposed to be. You see, nunnery was a word with a few meanings in Shakespeare's time. It could mean a place where young women were converted into nuns… but it could also mean a whorehouse.

DAVE: O_O Oh!! Wow! Shakespeare was an ODB!!

ALL: Heh??

LIZ E: _(head in her hands) _An 'Old Dirty Bastard.'

ALL: Ah, right.

SHELLY: See, the nunnery was a place where girls could escape from lives of sin, go there to have an illegitimate child—

DAVE: A what??

SHELLY: When the father was an absolute womanizer and ditched the girl after finding out she was pregnant. As I was saying… she could go to become a nun to protect herself from the dangers of this world, have a bastard child, or go to a whorehouse to become a prostitute for the rest of her life. That was the triple meaning of Hamlet's words.

MELISSA: _(offstage)_ So, wait. He could have been trying to protect her from himself, right? Or he knew she was pregnant with his child and wanted to send her away because he knew he couldn't marry her… or he was calling her a slut??

SHELLY: Exactly!

MELISSA: So Shakespeare was trying to make us think?

SHELLY: Yes!

MELISSA: _(smiles)_

KELLY: Now that you've explained it nicely – and thank you for that – but, can I get on with it?

SHELLY: _(nods)_

DAVE: _(eyes narrow, brow furrowed, obviously thinking hard)_

KELLY: Thank you. Why would you allow yourself to bear children who would do nothing but sin? I, myself, can say I've done things that would make my mother wonder why she'd ever had me. I'm proud, revengeful, too ambitious. I have so many offences that I don't have enough places to put them, imagination to spare to create them, or time to use them. What would guys like me do in purgatory? _(turns quickly towards Ewan and gives an evil look)_ We're all bastard assholes! Don't believe any of us. Therefore, get yourself to a nunnery. _(pauses to look at Ewan and around the stage in suspicion) _Where's your father?

EWAN: Er, at home.

KELLY: _(grabbing Ewan violently and pulling him close enough to kiss) _Let him stay there so he can be foolish only in his own house!! _(obviously can't resist it and kisses Ewan, stops and pushes him away suddenly) _Farewell. _(turns to leave)_

EWAN: _(a little stunned) _Lord save him!

KELLY: _(turns back slyly and glances at Ewan)_ If you ever do get married, here's my blessing: I hope you to be a chaste as ice, pure as snow, and that you will never escape slander. Go on, get to a nunnery. Goodbye… yet if you need to marry, marry a fool like Dave—

DAVE: Hey!!

ALL: _(chuckling evilly at Kelly's quick remark)_

KELLY: Marry a fool, because smart men know what you monsters make of them. Go to a nunnery, quickly. Farewell. _(turns to leave again)_

DAVE: _(goes back to thinking… laboriously)_

EWAN: _(falling to his knees, unexpectedly causing his skirt to puff up abruptly)_ Oh, lord! Please make him well again!

KELLY: _(again, turning back) _I've also heard of your many faces. You show one in public but use the other for mischief. How can you be so free spirited and evil? Just leave, I'll have no more of it, it's made me mad. _(pauses and looks straight at the spot where Liz J and Grant are hiding) _I think there should be no more marriage. As for those who are already married, all but one shall live, and the rest will stay as they are. _(yeah, turns away) _Go, go. Farewell.

 DAVE: Wait! _(jumps up believing he's onto something) _So, Ophelia could have been pregnant? But, how could that be *possible*?!? He couldn't be pregnant now! Kelly would be the one who's pregnant… especially after what happened earlier.

KELLY: _(walks steadily over to Dave, stands him up by pulling on his collar and looks him dead in the eye) _Here is what is making you look like an ass right now: Number one, _(holds up her fingers as she counts) _we've already established the fact that Ophelia could have been carrying Hamlet's child. Second, I say again, this is a cross-dressing play, meaning my character is *MALE* and NOT female, and as you can see from Ewan's costume _(points to his dress) _he is obviously playing a woman, and therefore his character could very well be knocked up. Lastly, I believe it was made clear that we WEREN'T GOING TO BRING THAT INCIDENT UP AGAIN!!

DAVE: O_O;;; Right, right. OK, then. I'll shut up now.

LIZ E: Hehe, he was thinking! I thought I smelled something burning.

KELLY: …Good. _(turns to Ewan as she sits down offstage) _You may continue.

EWAN: _(really crying now) _Oh, why has *his* mind been so destroyed? He was so wonderful! A scholar, courtier, prince! And now he's insane! Because I – as horrible as I can be to obey her father's order!! – let him pour out his musical vows, his words of love, only to reluctantly throw them back at his feet! Oh, to see what I've seen!

_(Grant and Liz J re-enter)_

GRANT: Ha! His madness is not caused by love! Yet his speech was not really all that crazy. Something is causing him to be upset and to brood and hang upon. I fear that there will be much danger in trying to set him right, so I must get rid of him. We'll send him to England where he can be left to his own device to reflect on himself. Maybe this will allow him to forget his madness. What do you think?

LIZ J: I think it'll do, but I still think that all this was caused by refused love. Oh, dear Ophelia! You don't have to tell us what happened, we saw it all! My lord, you may do what you think is right, but please allow him to go to his mother after the play to confide in. He'll pour out his soul and I'll be hiding to listen in on every word. If she thinks the same as you, then send him to England, or what you will.

GRANT: Alright, do that. Madness in great people must not go unobserved.

_(all exit)_


	9. Act 3, Scene 2

ACT III, Scene 2

_----A hall in the castle._

_(Enter Kelly, Pam and Kristen)_

KELLY: Here's the speech I wrote for you. Read it to the letter and act it naturally. Do not under- or overact. Make sure you are gentle but powerful. The meaning of this must be portrayed perfectly for this to go over well. Understand?

KRISTEN: Clear as crystal.

KELLY: Good.

MAY: _(offstage, getting restless) _Argh… when's the killing gonna start?! I want some fucking carnage!!

MELISSA: _(offstage) _Wow. She's as bloodthirsty as I am in a hockey game. Why didn't I meet you when I was in Danbury?

MAY: Kelly didn't know me.

MELISSA: Right, that's why. We should get together sometime – discuss some battle plans.

MAY: Sounds cool. You into anime?

KELLY: AHEM!! Shall I continue? Or would you guys like to become the center of the rest of the play?

MELISSA: Um, I'm fine.

MAY: Yeah, no problem here.

KELLY: This is getting ridiculous! _(walks up to edge of stage and addresses all the readers at their computers) _And you people expect this to be interesting to act in reality? Half of us would be dead by now! _(sigh) _If you guys figure out a way to make all this work out for real… _(glances at Ewan) _and find a way to get him here, _(smiles)_ then, please let me know. Maybe then we can find out if this would really make it on the stage or in front of the camera. Right now, let's just get on with this nonsense and get to the end of it before I have an aneurysm…

LIZ E: _(offstage) _Gee, it was only a suggestion to act this out for real. I knew it wouldn't be as perfect as it is on paper… _(shrugs)_

KELLY: _(sigh) _Alright. Here we go. *ahem* Now remember, I want this performed to the T – by *all* of your troupe. When it says to be subtle, I want it subtle. Do not exaggerate, do not try to provoke an emotion from the audience, just follow script. OK?

KRISTEN: OK, sure thing.

PAM: Yeah, no prob.

KELLY: Thank you so much. Now, off you go to prepare. I hope to enjoy this! Good luck!

_(Kristen and Pam exit)_

_(Liz J, Doug and TJ enter)_

KELLY: Hey there! Is the king going to watch the play I've arranged?

LIZ J: He and the queen are awaiting its performance.

KELLY: Good, tell the players to hurry up.

_(Liz J exits)_

KELLY: _(gritting her teeth) _You two go help him hurry them.

DOUG: Why should I?

TJ: It's in the script. We're supposed to go.

DOUG: But I don't have to, do I? I don't wanna do this anymore. I finally read the play, and our deaths are coming up soon!

TJ: Yes, but she doesn't kill us on stage. Horatio reads about our deaths in a letter from Hamlet. Besides, since she's our killer, do you *really* wanna piss her off right now?

DOUG: … I see your point. OK.

DOUG and TJ: We will, my lord.

_(Doug and TJ exit)_

KELLY: _(giggles to herself under her breath) _Heehee, that's what *they* think! _(normal) _Yo!! Horatio, you there?

_(Shelly enters)_

SHELLY: Hey there!

KELLY: Horatio, you are my best friend—

LIZ J: Hey!! I thought *I* was your best friend! _(begins to cry)_

KELLY: You are!! It's what I'm supposed to say in the play!!

LIZ J: _(stops crying)_ …Oh. Sorry.

KELLY: Horatio, you know you are my best friend.

SHELLY: Aw, shucks.

KELLY: I'm not trying to flatter you, believe me, I'm honest. _(looks at script in horror at length of speech, takes a few seconds to sum up)_ Um… _(scrunches up her face in thought) _Right. You are truthfully my best friend, right? _(Shelly nods) _Good. Now, this play tonight is very special. The king will be watching something that he is not expecting. I would like it if you watched him instead of the play tonight, please? If he reacts in any excited way, make note of it. I'll check with you later to make sure we both saw it. This is very important to me, so watch him carefully, alright?

SHELLY: Right-o.

KELLY: Good, now go find a place to sit. _(pats Shelly on the back)_

_(For once, the cued taped is activated and a special song is played to signal the start of the play. Grant, Danny, Liz J, Ewan, Doug, TJ, and extras all come in and sit on one side of the stage to watch the play. Grant sits in the center of the row of tall throne-like chairs, Danny to his right, an empty seat next to him, Liz J on Grant's left, Ewan next to her. All the other extras sit on the floor in front of them in neat rows on cushions. Kelly looks schemingly at the audience, straightens up, turns and walks towards the last row.)_

DAVE: _(offstage) _Hey, I wanna watch the play, too! _(leaps out onto the stage and takes his own place on the floor)_

LIZ E: _(glances at Kelly and shrugs) _Do you mind if we come out too?

KELLY: _(shaking her head annoyed) _No… Go ahead. _(sigh)_

_(All of cast not already on the stage for one purpose or another march onto the stage and sit themselves on the floor to watch the play within the play. Everyone notices Lauren has attached herself to Colin's arm and looks as though nothing could pull her away.)_

KELLY: _(glancing at the lot of them… and there are a LOT of them… and sighs defeatedly)_

GRANT: How is our cousin Hamlet?

KELLY: In a way, I'm great!

GRANT: In a way? What's that mean?

KELLY: _(to Liz J) _Doesn't matter. Sir, you were an actor in college, right?

LIZ J: No… I wanted to be an architect for a while…

KELLY: In. The. Script.

LIZ J: Oops, right. Uh, yeah, I did a little acting here and there. Some say I was quite good.

KELLY: What did you perform?

LIZ J: I was Julius Caesar. Brutus killed me in the Capitol.

SHELLY: _(laughs)_

MAY: What's so funny?

SHELLY: This is Shakespeare's _Hamlet_ we're performing. Polonius just said he once acted as Julius Caesar.

MAY: … Yeah…?

SHELLY: Shakespeare wrote a play called _Julius Caesar_. Get it? Shakespeare was advertising his older plays in his newer ones!

MAY: Oh! I get it! _(laughs)_

KELLY: It must have been a brute of a part to kill such a cow as yourself—

LIZ J: Hey!!

KELLY: _(holds up script in defense)_ The script!! It's in the script!!

LIZ J: That better be…

KELLY: Yeesh. It must have been a brute of a part to kill such a cow as yourself. Are the players ready?

TJ: Yep. Ready and waiting for your signal.

DANNY: Come here, Hamlet. Sit by me, your loving mother.

KELLY: _(glances at Danny then at Ewan and back again… looks directly at Ewan as a hungry wolf would his dinner) _No, Mom. I'm sitting with something more attractive. _(beelines directly to Ewan's chair)_

LIZ J: A-ha!! Did you hear that! _(tries to make her earlier point)_

KELLY: _(kneeling on the floor at Ewan's feet, looking seductively at him) _Lady, shall I *lie in your lap*?

EWAN: No, my lord.

KELLY: I mean my head in your lap.

EWAN: Ay, my lord.

DAVE: Wait!! You can't do that on stage!

MELISSA: What exactly are you talking about, Dave? _(then it dawns on her) _EEEW!! SICK!!

REST OF CAST: _(suddenly realize what was implied) _EW!!

KELLY: DAMMIT DAVE!! I wouldn't do *that* if you *paid* me to!! That is against my moral code! It's not what Shakespeare meant either! Now sit down and SHUT UP!!!

DAVE: _(getting annoyed at being bashed about like an imbecile, sits down with a loud sigh)_

KELLY: *ahem* Did you think I meant something else by that phrase?

EWAN: I think nothing.

KELLY: Well, I admit, it does please men to think about lying between a maid's legs.

EWAN: Excuse me?

KELLY: Nothing.

EWAN: You seem happy, sir.

KELLY: _(head now resting on Ewan's leg) _What? Who, me?

EWAN: Yes, you.

KELLY: Oh, well, it's the least a man can do, is be cheerful. Look at how smiley my mother is and my father died not two hours ago.

EWAN: No, he died four months ago.

DAVE: Whoa! That's a bit of a time difference! She must be nuts if four months is like two hours to her!

ALL ONSTAGE: SHUT UP!!

KELLY: It can't be that long! He died that long ago and isn't forgotten yet! There's hope! A man's memory may even outlive his life by a half year. But for a woman, they must build churches. What a hobbyhorse.

_(Cued tape with trumpets on it sounds. Enter the players to perform a mime of the play. The King and Queen enter and look very affectionate to one another. They mime their vows of love to each other, and when the King lays down to sleep, the Queen leaves him. Enter another man looking evil. He takes off the King's crown, kisses it, and pours poison in the King's ear, leaving him to die. The Queen returns to find the King dead and looks very upset. The Poisoner comes in to comfort her while the body is carried away. The Poisoner woos the Queen, who is reluctant to accept, but finally accepts in the end. They exit.)_

EWAN: What does this mean, lord?

KELLY: It means mischief.

EWAN: I hope this show has something to do with the plot.

_(Enter extra to speak prologue)_

KELLY: We'll know soon. This man shall tell us a little bit because the actors can't keep the secret; they would tell us everything.

EWAN: Will he tell us what this show meant?

KELLY: Yes, or any show that is shown to him. That is his gift.

EWAN: Oh, shut up. I wanna watch the play.

PROLOGUE: For us, and for our tragedy,

               Here stooping to your clemency,

               We beg your hearing patiently.

KELLY: Is this a prologue, or 'Ring Around the Rosy'??

EWAN: It's short, lord.

KELLY: Like a woman's love.

MELISSA: Hey! Don't say that! Almost everyone here is a woman!! You're dishonoring yourself and all your friends!

KELLY: Mel, it's just in the script. It's supposed to be funny. Please sit down and enjoy the rest of the play.

_(Enter PLAYER KING *Kristen and PLAYER QUEEN *Pam.)_

KRISTEN: _(glances at script in horror) _Do you really want me to read it this way?

KELLY: Just sum up. Everyone else has.

KRISTEN: Thanks. _(looks at script puzzled) _Um, could you help?

KELLY: _(looks at script and realizes the problem) _Holy shit!! That's confusing! _(grabs Kristen's script and makes a few changes, then does the same to Pam's)_

KRISTEN: _(looks at script and smiles in relief) _Oh, thank you! *ahem!* It's been a very long time since we were married and we're still together.

PAM: Yes, and nothing will stop our love. But you've been so sick lately, it makes me worry. But, my vow to you is everlasting and I will never break it.

KRISTEN: I know you won't. But when I die, you may find another—

PAM: No! Never! It would be treason to our love if I marry again! I won't do it! None wed the second but who killed the first.

KELLY: _(to the audience) _Wormwood, wormwood.

DAVE: Heh? What does that mean?

KELLY: _(sighs) _It was an herb used in absinthe that was supposedly hallucinogenic and poisonous. Kay?

DAVE: Kay.

PAM: I would only marry again for care, not love. I'd kill him if he tried to love me.

KRISTEN: I believe you. But I think you may rethink this vow when I do die and find another love.

PAM: No! Never! I'd die before then!

DANNY: _(looking nervous)_

KELLY: _(to Ewan) _Oh, if she should break her vow now!

KRISTEN: Well, I know you mean it. Now let me lay here a while so I can sleep a little. _(lies down on bench and begins to 'sleep')_

PAM: Sleep sweetly. _(exits)_

KELLY: Lady, how do you like the play so far?

DANNY: I think she protests too much.

KELLY: _(slyly)_ Oh, but she'll keep her word.

GRANT: Isn't there some offense in the argument?

KELLY: Oh, they only kid.

GRANT: What is this play called?

KELLY: 'The Mousetrap.' It's set in Vienna. The king is Gonzago, his wife Baptista, and it is really very murderous. Most of us free spirits are not touched by it. The jaded, though, let them wince at it.

_(Enter LUCIANUS *Traci)_

DAVE: Hey! How come she hasn't been in the rest of the play?!?

KELLY: _(smiling embarrassed) _Er, well…. She just got back from Florida? ……… And I just wrote her in…?

DAVE: Right…

KELLY: This is Lucianus, the king's nephew.

EWAN: You are good at letting the audience know what is going on, lord.

KELLY: I could interpret between you and your love, if I could see the puppets dallying.

EWAN: You are confusing, but liked. You're very well liked. _(smile)_

KELLY: _(blush) _I don't know what the next line means, so I'm just gonna talk through it.

EWAN: …… OK. Better and worse.

KELLY: So, yeah. Begin murderer. Come: _(sings) _The croaking raven doth bellow for revenge.

TRACI: _(laughing) _OK, since this is my first time… Am I supposed to sum up or is there already a script with summaries on it? _(little people in black enter with smaller script and hand to Traci) _Ooh, thanks! _(tosses big script to little people in black making them fall over in a domino effect off the stage) _I'm really evil, teeheehee. There's no one looking and I have my poison mixed for the king's ear. Let my poison kill quickly. _(pours the 'liquid' into Kristen's ear)_

KRISTEN: _(dies badly with loud choking and coughing noises, making large gestures)_

LIZ E:Oh, just die already!!

KRISTEN: _(glares at Liz E) _I have barely any lines in this play, and now my character dies, so I'M MAKING THE MOST OF IT!!!! _(falls off bench and goes silent)_

LIZ E:Thank you! That's all you needed to do!

KRISTEN: _(lifts her head and sticks her tongue out at Liz E, lets her head fall back to the floor)_

KELLY: _(sighs) _He poisons him in the garden to get his inheritance. Now, just watch how he gets the love of the corpse's wife.

GRANT: _(looks frightened and jumps out of his chair)_

EWAN: Hey, the king's getting up.

KELLY: Frightened by false fire! Ha!

DANNY: Are you okay?

LIZ J: Stop the play!

GRANT: Give me some light! Go Away!

ALL: Light, light, light!!

_(All exit but Kelly and Shelly)_

KELLY: Aw, the king weeps so everyone follows him out the door. Well not me! _(points to herself) _Would this man not get a following in a cry of actors, sir?

SHELLY: Half of one.

KELLY: Oh, I think a whole one. For thou dost know, O Damon dear,

               This realm dismantled was

               Of Jove himself and now reigns here

               A very, very –– pajock.

SHELLY: You could have rhymed that, you know.

KELLY: Oh I'll take your word for it. Did you see?

SHELLY: Yes, very well.

KELLY: Just when he poured the poison—

SHELLY: Yes, I saw the king.

KELLY: A-ha! Let's have music! I want to celebrate! If the king doesn't like the comedy, then he doesn't like it! Come! I want music! _(begins to dance around and eventually grabs Shelly and tries to dance with her)_

_(Re-enter Doug and TJ)_

DOUG: Sir, may we have a private word with you?

KELLY: A word? Why not a whole book! _(laughs)_

DOUG: The king, sir—

KELLY: What of him?

DOUG: Well, he seems to be very out of it right now.

KELLY: Is he drinking?

DAVE: _(offstage) _Drinking? Where! I want some alcohol!!

LIZ E: _(grabs him and ties him to his chair)_

DOUG: Uh… no. He seems sick.

KELLY: I think it would be smarter to tell this to his doctor instead of me. _(pokes him in the forehead, making him angry) _If you think I could be a doctor, I think I might make him even sicker.

DOUG: _(pushing her hand away and speaking angrily) _Don't. Do. That. You shouldn't be so angry with me; I didn't do anything.

KELLY: Oh, but I'm tame. Continue.

DOUG: Your mom is upset and sent me to you.

KELLY: Alrighty.

DOUG: Nay, I think you should go to her with an answer, otherwise I'll leave and this will be over.

KELLY: Hm… that line didn't make much sense… Um, right. No, I won't go.

DOUG: Why not?

KELLY: I'm not going 'cause I'm crazy! Any answer I give you can give her just as well.

TJ: _(glances at script perplexed) _Um, why isn't my line translated?

KELLY: I was getting lazy… Just read it.

TJ: …… OK… Then thus she says: your behavior hath struck her into amazement and admiration.

KELLY: How wonderful I must be to astonish my mother! But isn't there another who is also admired by my mother?

TJ: She wants to speak with you in her room before you go to bed.

KELLY: _(sighs) _Fine. I will… Is there anything else you want to discuss with me?

TJ: …… I'm *not* saying this.

KELLY: Well, it's in the script… reword it if you must, but you have to keep the same point.

TJ: Damn. _(mumbling) _Lord, you did love me once.

KELLY: _ _(choking on these words) _I still do. *hack, cough, gag*

TJ: My lord… why are you upset? _(mumbling) _Besides the fact that we just had to say that… _(shudder)_ You throw away liberty if you can't even grieve to a friend.

KELLY: Sir, I lack advancement.

ALL: Heh??

KELLY: Just go with it.

TJ: _(shrugs) _How is that possible if you are to be the next king? The king says so himself.

KELLY: Ay, but 'While the grass grows,' – the proverb is a bit vague.

_(Re-enter Pam and Kristen with recorders)_

PAM: _(playing with the fast-forward button on the recorder to hear her recorded voice played back in high pitch) _Heehee! I love that we get to play with these!

KRISTEN: _(holding a recorder that is more like a clarinet than anything electric, looking confused) _Uh, Pam, I think they meant these. _(holds out her recorder)_

PAM: But that's a clarinet, not a tape recorder, silly!

KELLY: _(begins hitting self in head repeatedly) _Pam, she's right. That clarinet-like instrument she holds is called a recorder.

PAM: Really? _(looks back and forth between recorders) _Aw, damn!

_(little people in black enter with her recorder prop and switch props with her)_

PAM: I wanted to play with the tape recorder!

KELLY: _(muttering angrily to herself)_ Never put people from the 21st century in a 16th century play and expect them to fully understand it…

KRISTEN: _(consoles Pam a bit then tries to walk with her towards Kelly)_

KELLY: _(sighing) _Oh, the recorders! Let me see one. _(to TJ and Doug) _Why do you wish to speak with me as if you wanted to piss me off?

DOUG: Oh, my lord, if my duty be too bold, my _(gulp) _lo-_(gag)_-ove *hack* is too unmannerly. _(tugs at his collar)_

KELLY: I don't really understand that. Will you play this pipe? _(holds out recorder to Doug)_

DOUG: I can't.

KELLY: Please. _(pushes it at him again)_

DOUG: I told you, I can't.

KELLY: I *beseech* you, play it. _(getting pissed, thrusts the pipe at Doug angrily)_

DOUG: I don't know how to play, sir.

KELLY: _(yelling) _Oh, but it's as easy as LYING!! All you do is put your fingers over these holes to create different notes, and to play all you have to do is put your mouth here and BLOW! Which is something I'm *sure* you know how to do.

ALL: _(giggle)_

DOUG: _(looking a bit worried)_ But I don't have the skill to play.

TONYA: _(offstage) _Ain't that the truth.

DOUG: _(glares at Tonya)_

KELLY: Ah, but you know how to lie, don't you? Do you think I'm easier to play with than this pipe?!? Call me whatever instrument you want—

DAVE: _(offstage) _Flugelhorn!

LIZ E: _(offstage) _I didn't think you knew what that was, Dave.

DAVE: I don't, I heard her say it once and thought it sounded funny. _(chuckles)_

KELLY: _(glare) _– you can't play me and expect to get away with it.

_(Enter Liz J)_

KELLY: Bless you, sir!

LIZ J: What? _(looks around confused) _I didn't sneeze.

KELLY: You're not supposed to. It's just my line.

LIZ J: Oh.

KELLY: Just read your line.

LIZ J: The queen wants to speak with you right now.

KELLY: _(looks up to the sky) Do you see that camel-shaped cloud up there? __(looks a little crazy)_

LIZ J: Um… _(looks at Kelly in confusion) _Yeah, it sorta looks like a camel…

KELLY: Oh, now it's a weasel.

LIZ J: I guess.

KELLY: Or maybe a whale.

LIZ J: OK.

KELLY: _(looks back down at Liz J) _Fine, I'll go to my mother. They try to fool me, but I will go to my mother by and by.

LIZ J: Yeah, she only said that so she can make her little 'pun' in the next line. Good. I'll tell her.

KELLY: Hehe. By and by is easily said. I don't know how that is a good pun, but hey, I couldn't figure out how else to use it.

_(Liz J exits)_

KELLY: Leave me, friends.

_(Exit Doug, TJ, Shelly, Pam and Kristen)_

SHELLY: _(now offstage) _Geez! I thought I was gonna be out there for-EVER without any lines!!

KELLY: Oops! I'm sorry, Shelly! I forgot you were still here!

SHELLY: Hmph!

KELLY: _(blushes, then looks at script and begins to giggle madly) _Heehee!! It is now the witching hour! Mwahahahaha!!

               When churchyards yawn, and hell itself breathes out

               Contagion to this world: now I could drink hot blood,

               And do such bitter business as the day

               Would quake to look on. Soft! Now to my mother.—

               Oh heart, lose not thy nature; let not ever

               The soul of Nero enter this firm bosom:--

DAVE: _(offstage) _Hehehe. She's talking about her boobs. Hehehe.

ALL: Dammit Dave!!! _(all begin to attack him)_

DAVE: _(now bound and gagged to a chair, looking pitiful) _Mmph mph mph mmmmph!!

LIZ E: No we won't. you don't deserve to be let go.

DAVE: Mph mmmmph!!

LIZ E: Don't you 'But Liz' me! You need to keep your hole shut! If you don't stop making a raucous, then we'll have to *really* hurt you.

DAVE: _(gulp)_

KELLY: Right… Let me be cruel, not unnatural:

               I will speak daggers to her, but use none;

               My tongue and soul in this be hypocrites,--

               How in my words soever she be shent,

               To give them seals never, my soul, consent!

ANNA: _(offstage, munching on a cake given to her by her Pi Phi Big Sister) _Did anybody get what she just said?

ALEX: _(offstage) _I'm confused…

KELLY: Can I just exit now?? It's the end of the scene!!

ALL: _(nod)_

KELLY: THANK YOU!! _(Exits)_


	10. Act 3, Scene 3

ACT III, Scene 3

_----A room in the castle._

_(Enter Grant, TJ, and Doug)_

GRANT: I'm not liking what's going on with Hamlet. We're not safe anymore. I have decided to send you two with him to England so we can keep this kingdom safe from his lunacies.

DOUG: We'll provide. We'll keep your kingdom and all people in it safe. Don't worry.

TJ: _(looks over script in horror at it's length) _Um… We'll protect this entire kingdom and especially you, Your Highness, 'cause if the king dies, everything around him dies too. The kingdom will be swallowed up with the death of you, sir.

ALL: Whoa, great summary.

TJ: _(smile)_

KELLY: _(offstage) _NO! Don't make his ego any larger than it already is!! If you do, it's likely the sheer size of it would kill us all!!

TJ: _(glare)_

ALL: _(giggle)_

GRANT: *ahem* Arm yourselves, and make this a speedy voyage. Take these letters to the King of England and leave Hamlet with him. Now go.

DOUG and TJ: We'll go quickly.

_(Exit Doug and TJ)_

_(Enter Liz J)_

LIZ J: _(nervously) _I'm not sure I wanna be this character anymore. Can I switch with someone?

ANNA: _(jumping onstage) _I haven't had much of a part, why don't I take it?

LIZ J: Great! _(tosses script at her and tries to leave)_

KELLY: _(suddenly appears on stage barring Liz's exit) _Liz, you can't do that. You've been Polonius since the beginning. You can't just switch now.

LIZ J: _(looking sad) _But I don't want you to kill me!!

ANNA: _(eyes wide) _……… Wait a minute. You die? Your character dies? I don't want this part! _(zips offstage again, dropping the script behind her)_

LIZ J: _(making a really sad face and whimpering) _Why'd you cast me in a part that you kill?

KELLY: I didn't mean to! I had most of the main parts cast – Shelly had personally requested to be Horatio cause he's her favorite character – and I originally cast you as Osric.

LIZ J: Who's Osric?

KELLY: He's a courtier at the end of the play that watches Hamlet and Laertes fencing and kind of referees the match. But Osric is a really small part and I thought you'd want a bigger one. So I cast you as the only other major part I had left open! I totally forgot that my character kills him! I'm sorry! _(leans in close and whispers) _At least I don't *really* kill you. _(winks)_

LIZ J: _(sadly) _OK. Fine. I'll do it. _(goes back to her mark, picks up the script, and speaks without feeling) _My lord, Hamlet's going to his mother's right now. I'll hide in the closet to eavesdrop on their conversation. I'll see you before bedtime and tell you what I heard.

GRANT: Good, dear friend. Thank you.

_(Exit Liz J)_

GRANT: _(tosses modified script aside and pulls out his copy of '_Hamlet'_ and begins to read the original speech)_ O, my offence is rank, it smells to heaven;

               It hath the primal eldest curse upon't,—

               A brother's murder!–– Pray can I not,

               Though inclination be as sharp as will:…

KELLY: _(offstage) _Oh crap. This is gonna take forever. Everyone whip out your sleeping bags!

_(Everyone goes to their backpacks and whips out their sleeping bags, blankets, pillows, and the like and prepares for a long nap)_

GRANT: … What if this cursed hand

               Were thicker than itself with brother's blood,—

               Is there not rain enough in the sweet heavens

               To wash it white as snow? Whereto serves mercy

               But to confront…

_--(Quick summary: Claudius is confessing in the 'privacy' of an 'empty' room that he has truly killed Hamlet's father. The guilt is driving him crazy. Since everyone is asleep, I just thought I'd fast forward through his horrifyingly boring speech to spare everyone. If anyone has read Macbeth, this speech is much like the one Lady Macbeth makes while asleep. I.e.- Out, out damned spot.)_

GRANT: …All may be well. _(kneels by a cross)_

_(silence… some snoring)_

EWAN: _(the only one that couldn't sleep because Kelly had latched onto him during 'nap time')_ Er… Kelly? It's your cue…

KELLY: _(snorts and clamps onto Ewan even stronger)_

EWAN: _(eyes bulging from her death grip) _*cough* Kelly! Cue! You… on stage! Now! _(grabs Kelly and shakes her violently awake)_

KELLY:_ (blinking dreamily) _Eh? Wha? O_O EEK! MY CUE!!! _(~zip~)_

_(Enter Kelly)_

KELLY: _(hiding behind a wall observing Grant confess) Heeheehee! I could kill him now and never be suspect! Ah, revenge is sweet!… but wait. If he's praying, that means that if I kill him he would go straight to heaven! DAMMIT!!! I'll have to wait till he's sleeping or drunk or maybe angry. __(whines) Dammit! I wanted to kill him now!!_

_(Exit Kelly, sulking)_

GRANT: _(appalled by Kelly's summarization, stands up) My words fly up, my thoughts remain below:_

               Words without thoughts never to heaven go.

MAY: _(offstage) _DAMMIT!! NO MORE RHYMING!!

_(Exit Grant with a massive irritation mark on his forehead, courtesy of May and Shelly Anime Art Co.)_


	11. Act 3, Scene 4

ACT III, Scene 4

_----Another room in the castle._

_(Enter Danny and Liz J)_

LIZ J: Hamlet is on his way. Make sure you tell him how his behavior has been taken – badly. Scold him the way a mother should. I'll hide myself in here. _(points to closet that had been wheeled on stage)_ Be very curt.

KELLY: _(offstage as directed) _Mother, mother, mother!

DANNY: _(irritated) _Don't worry. Go and hide, I hear him coming.

LIZ J: _(looks at closet then back to Danny) _Do I have to hide now? Maybe I could entertain you for a while? _(whips out three brightly colored balls and attempts to juggle) _I can be very entertaining.

_(Little people in black come out and grab Liz J by her elbows, causing her to drop her balls, and thrust her in the closet as she protests loudly.)_

LIZ J: _(from inside the closet)_ Alright, fine… I'll just stay in here… _(sound of hammer and nails from inside closet)_

DANNY: Uh… Liz? What are you doing in there?

LIZ J: _(pokes her head out for a second) _Does anyone happen to have a bulletproof vest or steel or similar?

_(silence)_

LIZ J: …No? Alrighty. _(slams door… sound of sawing from inside)_

ANNA: _(offstage) _Hey! I think she's trying to tunnel out!

ALEX: _(offstage) _Yeah! She's going down below!

KELLY: _(jumping onstage and going to the closet) _Dammit, Liz! I'm not going to really kill you! This has no effect on our friendship! Just let it happen!

_(Sawing from inside closet stops)_

LIZ J: Hey… there's someone else in here…

KELLY: …… Heh?

ALL: … Heh? _(lean in for look)_

_(Liz J goes silent and everyone listens intently. In a few seconds, everyone begins to hear sounds of a quiet muffled struggle. People then realize…)_

LIZ J: AAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH!!! LITTLE CARTOON GUYS SCREWING!! AAACK! GET ME OUTTA HERE!! _(leaps out of closet and glomps onto Kelly)_

KELLY: O_O;; _(she soon collapses)_

_(Out of the closet leap Trowa and Wufei from Gundam Wing. Both are half clothed, and look very pissed off to be disturbed.)_

MAY: WUFFY!!! _(jumps on stage and glomps Wufei)_

KELLY: _(getting up from underneath Liz J and beginning to look a bit angry and confused)_ Trowa and Wufei! What the fuck are you doing here!?!?!

TROWA: ……………

WUFEI: We had a nice little time off from May's play and decided to get a little… *ahem* R and R in this closet. How were we supposed to know it was a prop in *your* play?

KELLY: GET THE HELL OFF MY STAGE BEFORE I KICK YOU ALL THE WAY TO THE SPACE ASYLUM!!!!

MAY: _(squeezes Wufei tight making his eyes bulge) _You can't hurt Wuffy!

KELLY: Make them leave now.

MAY: _(sulking) _Fine… Bye Wuffy! _(squeezes him even harder then sends them on their way)_

KELLY: Everyone get off the stage so we can continue with my play!!

ALL: _(~zip~ offstage)_

KELLY: _(back offstage) _Liz… get back in the closet.

LIZ J: _(staring into the closet with hesitation) _But those things' clothes are still in there!

_(Suddenly, Chibi Legolas from Shelly's play drops from the ceiling into the closet and rummages. His laughing can be heard from the back of the theater. He abruptly jumps out with Trowa's and Wufei's pants slung over his shoulders, waving their socks above his head in triumph. With a 'Wheeee!!' he zips offstage.)_

ALL: O_O;;; What the hell was *that*??

SHELLY: _(offstage) _Oh no… he's gotten himself some more socks…

MAY: …Socks?? _(gulp… faint… nosebleed)_

KELLY: _(sigh)_ Oy vay! Get her some tissues and stop that bleeding!

_(Little people in black Rescue Squad enter with a stretcher and a pound of gauze. They place May on the stretcher and take her off to the side, shoving the pound of gauze onto her face and pushing down hard to stop the bleeding. They don't realize what they are doing to May.)_

KELLY: O_O;; STOP!! DON'T DO *THAT*!! You're preventing her from breathing!!!! LET GO!!!

_(Little people in black stop, glance at each other, lift gauze to find May turning from a purplish color to her normal skin tone. They shrug, grab a few tissues from a stray Kleenex® box, and start patting and wiping her nose lightly.)_

KELLY: _(sighing with her head in her hands again) This whole thing is going to shit. __(trudges offstage and slumps into a chair)_

LIZ J: _(back in closet with the door shut) _Alright. I'm ready! _(gulp)_

KELLY: _(gets back up and trudges onstage and not really acting anymore)_ Now, mother. What is the matter?

DANNY: Hamlet, you have really offended your father.

KELLY: Mother, *you* have really offended my father.

DANNY: Come, come, you answer me with an idle tongue. (I said that for future pun purposes only.)

KELLY: Go, go, you question me with a wicked tongue.

DANNY: What's wrong with you, Hamlet!?

KELLY: What's wrong now?

DANNY: Have you forgotten me?

KELLY: Why no, of course not. You are the queen; your husband's brother's wife. And – I wish it weren't so! – you are my mother.

DANNY: Um… it's written here that the editor did not know how to translate this line. 'Nay, then, I'll set those to you that can speak.'

KELLY: Come here and sit down. We'll find you a mirror to see your true self.

DANNY: _(sitting down at Kelly's command)_ What are you going to do to me? You won't _(gulp) _murder me will you?? Help! Help me!!

LIZ J: _(from inside closet)_ Help!! HE~~~LP!!

KELLY: _(looking at the 'talking' closet)_ What? A rat? _(draws sword and steps towards the closet)_ Die, evil wretch! DIE!! _(begins to lunge forward, stops, and mumbles) _Move to the … left, Liz.

_(shuffle from the inside)_

KELLY: WAAAAHH!! _(lunges at closet and stabs the closet, sword going straight through the back of the closet)_

LIZ J: _(overdramatically) _Help! Oh help, I'm slain! _(falls out of closet onto the floor)_

DANNY: Oh no! What have you done?

KELLY: How am I supposed to know? Is it the king? _(eagerly hops over Liz's body)_

DANNY: Oh, what a horrible thing you've done! What a bloody deed!

KELLY: Bloody deed! Almost as bad as kill a king and marry his brother!

DANNY: Kill a king?

KELLY: That's right! That's what I said! _(to the dead Liz J)_ I thought you were the king, but it proved false. You leave this world wringing your hands, yet let me wring my mother's heart.

DANNY: What have I done that you accuse me so terribly?

KELLY: Oh, such an act that calls truth a liar! This is a sickening act!

TONYA: _(offstage)_ WOW! That was a hell of a sum-up job!

DANNY: What act are you talking about?

KELLY: _(whips out two pictures, one of Grant and one of Lauren)_ Look here on these pictures. They are pictures of – what seem to be – two brothers. _(points to Lauren's picture)_ Look how this one was like the gods. What a combination of forms! Mercury, Mars, Jove and Hyperion! This was your husband, and every god seemed to set his seal to give the world assurance of man. _(points to Grant's picture)_ Now look at this one. Your current husband, like a mildewed ear blasting his wholesome brother. Can you see this form? Would you exchange a raven for a dove? (And yes, that was taken from 'A Midsummer Night's Dream,' thank you very much.) _(grin) _You could not love this man, because the passion in blood as old as yours has tamed.

DANNY: Um… you done?

KELLY: _(nod)_

DANNY: Hamlet! Don't speak anymore! I can see into my own soul and I see horrible spots that can't be removed.

KELLY: _(getting into a rage) _Oh, but to live in that rank passion of a steamy bed! Created by corruption disguised by sweet honey!

DANNY: Stop talking like that! Stop! You kill me with each word! No more!

KELLY: A murderer and a villain! A devil's minion and nowhere near the worth of your first husband!

DANNY: No more! _(begins to fall to floor with despair)_

KELLY: A king of shreds and patches!

_(Lauren can be heard mumbling curses from above the stage. Suddenly she drops from above with her hands over her face in anticipation of landing badly on the stage. She peeks through her fingers and sighs with relief.)_

KELLY: Oh no, save me, oh heavenly being. What is your will?

DANNY: _(looking confused)_ Oh God, he's crazy!

KELLY: Do you come to your son to punish and lecture? Say!

LAUREN: _(looks at script) _Remember, this visitation is to remind you that you promised not to bring your mother into this. She is in bad enough shape as it is. Speak to her.

KELLY: How are you, mother?

DANNY: What? How are you that you speak to invisible things? What are you looking at?

KELLY: Him! Look at how pale he is!

DANNY: Who are you speaking of?

KELLY: Can't you see him there?

DANNY: I don't see anything!

KELLY: And you hear nothing?

DANNY: Nothing at all but us!

KELLY: But look at how he runs away from us! Look at my father that goes to the portal to take him away!

_(Lauren glances at script, looks scared, throws hands over her head and scrunches into a little ball as she is yanked upward through the ceiling. No sound is heard until we hear Lauren jumping for joy, shouting that she didn't get hurt this time.)_

DANNY: You are creating this out of your cunning imagination. (Again, this next line is used so she can repeat it.) This bodiless creation ecstasy is very cunning in.

KELLY: Ecstasy!—

MAY: _(groggily looks up from her coma) _Ecstasy? Where? I didn't do it! _(head falls back down with a THUD as she passes out again)_

KELLY: _(sigh) _Ecstasy! My pulse is calm, not mad! _(glances at script in horror at next long speech, notices quite a few throughout the rest of the scene, gets weak in the knees)_ Oh, screw it. Mom, I accused you of being involved in the conspiracy that killed my father, but now I say that you should tell everyone I am mad. Continue with the so-called 'king' as you would any other day. Don't worry, I'm really just playing with everyone until I can kill Claudius, mkay?

DANNY: _(blink blink)_ Um… OK…

KELLY: Now, the king has given my school pals some letters to deliver and I must intercept them on my way to England. I shall be back soon enough. Adios, me mama!

DANNY: Er… bye.

_(exit)_

-- And that's it for Act three! *PHEW!!* That took longer than I thought. ^^;;; Stay tuned for the intermission!


	12. Intermission 1

Another Shakespeare Parody: Hamlet

INTERMISSION (1)

(Kelly at the computer collapses from exhaustion. Her sister, Chrissy – AKA the head of the Little People in Black – comes in with her crew and drag her away to Shelly's Bishie Infirmary.)

SHELLY: (sitting at the reception desk – since May and her have taken a small break from their plays – looks up and frowns at Chrissy and the LPiB who carry Kelly) Heh? What happened to Kelly? She has a play to finish!

CHRISSY: Uh, well, she was feeling pretty pressured by everyone to crank out that last act and she just overworked herself. (holds out body)

SHELLY: Er… Tetei!! (runs off to find her lovely angel demon, leaving Chrissy to look confused)

CHRISSY: Now what am I supposed to do with *her*??

Meanwhile, back on the stage, Alex had untied Dave and brought him to the center of the auditorium to play some card games. Suddenly, Chibi Legolas from Shelly's play zooms by with four socks and a delighted squeal. Soon after, four full-sized naked men – later recognized as Ewan, Josh Hartnett, Aragorn, and Boromir – follow quickly, reaching after him. Each has one hand in the respective place to prevent certain females from gaping and chasing after them with their own paper bags. Most of the girls onstage start giggling, but Chibi Shewwy, Chibi May, and a double of Chibi Kewwy come racing in after their boys.

CHIBI MAY: Awagown! Come back hewe! We wanna pway!

CHIBI KEWWY: Ewan! Ewan! Ewan! (giggle) He's nakee! Wet's catch him!

CHIBI SHEWWY: Yeah! (giggle) I want Awagown and Bowomiw!

(Suddenly Melissa comes bolting out from behind the curtain squealing with delight.)

MELISSA: Josh! Josh! Come back! I'll give you a sock if you come with me!

(All four of the girls run offstage and everyone else sighs and produce sweatdrops.)

DAVE: (turns back to card game with Alex) Wow, Kelly never chased after *me* when we went out. You think she does that because he's an actor or because he's known as 'hot stuff?'

ALEX: Ah, I dunno. Who knows what happens to girls when a 'good-looking' guy jumps onscreen or walks by? No guy will ever know what goes through the female mind.

DAVE: I guess so.

(Yet again, another surprising appearance that was not expected, a flash of lightning struck the center of the stage and a phone booth suddenly pops up. The door opens and May – dressed in a long silvery trench coat and flashy sunglasses – steps out, coughing and waving the smoke out of her face. No one but Dave and Alex are around to ogle at the strange occurrence.)

DAVE: What the hell is that?

ALEX: Haven't you ever seen 'Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure'?

DAVE: (stares at Alex for a moment) I thought you were the one who didn't watch any TV or movies…?

ALEX: …… I don't. I just heard about it from Kelly. You know, she's a movie buff so she talks about every movie there's ever been. I've heard of everything from 'America's Sweethearts' to 'Zulu.'

DAVE: OK… But what about her? (points to May)

ALEX: What do you mean?

DAVE: Isn't Rufus supposed to be a guy?

ALEX: Um… yeah?

MAY: (takes off sunglasses and glares at Dave and Alex) You two. Up here. NOW.

(Dave and Alex climb onto the stage and stand next to the booth)

MAY: I have been chosen to bestow upon you a most awesome task. I assume you both know the movie 'Bill & Ted?'

ALEX: Yeah, but I've never actually seen the movie.

MAY: WHAT?! You've never seen it??? Have you two been living under rocks?!

ALEX: No, I just don't waste my time on movies and TV.

(In the Bishie Infirmary, where Kelly is under Tetei-sama's care, she lays unconscious. As Alex says 'waste my time on movies and TV,' she twitches violently before suddenly quieting.)

MAY: (head dropping in exasperation) You know the premise though, right? Two boys like yourself are in danger of completely changing the future of our world and are sent on a journey through time to save their asses.

DAVE: Uh… OK. So we're sent in that thing through time?

MAY: Um… not exactly. You will be using the booth, of course. But instead of traveling through time, you will be traveling through different genres of movies of different time periods, such as 'Jurassic Park' and '2001: A Space Odyssey.' Get it? You could end up in a documentary or a fantasy flick. Be careful what you type in, because you may not get what you wanted.

DAVE: But how do we know what we're typing in?

MAY: You have a phone directory, idiot. Like in the movie, you look up a movie and punch in the numbers for that title. A word of caution: READ THE SUMMARY so you know what you're getting into. K?

ALEX: Right, I'll be leaving now.

DAVE: Wait! I think this is awesome! I wanna do it! Come on Alex!

ALEX: Oh dear, I don't think this is such a good idea…

DAVE: (grabbing Alex by the elbow and dragging him to the booth) Of course it is! It's going out and seeing the world without paying a dime!

ALEX: (gives an annoyed look at May) I think I'd better keep an eye on him, make sure he doesn't do anything… dumb. Then again, is there any power on this earth that can stop *that* from happening?

MAY: (giggle) I understand completely. Well, step into the booth, boys. Use the phone and you're on your way to an excellent adventure. Enjoy! (steps away from the booth and allows the two to enter)

(Dave and Alex enter the booth and Alex closes the door. Alex reaches for the phone book but Dave pushes him away, grabs the phone, and types in some numbers.)

ALEX: (turning with horror to May on the outside) Wait! How do we get back???

MAY: Type in the number for Hamlet Parody!

(The booth disappears with a flash of lightning. May turns to the empty audience and laughs maniacally. Once she finishes, she puts her sunglasses back on and moonwalks offstage.)

Meanwhile, in the circuits of movies…

DAVE: WOOH!! This is awesome!!

ALEX: Dave, where the hell are we going?

DAVE: How the hell should I know?

ALEX: I knew you were gonna do this! She said not to type in random numbers and what do you do? TYPE IN RANDOM NUMBERS!! You are such a moron!

(Booth suddenly lands in the center of a large plain covered in snow. They step out of the booth and look around, Alex nervously and Dave with excitement.)

DAVE: It's really quiet around here.

ALEX: I wonder where we are? Which movie would this be?

DAVE: How am I supposed to know?

ALEX: (slaps Dave on the back of the head quickly) Idiot.

DAVE: Why does everyone abuse me?!?

(Suddenly, over the next hill, a large, computer-generated wooly mammoth followed by many smaller computer-generated furry animals comes charging up. Alex looks freaked out and Dave doesn't even see them because he's looking the other way. Alex begins tugging on Dave's sleeve trying to say something as the animals get dangerously closer. Dave finally turns around and screams like a girl before jetting to the phone booth and dialing another number as fast as he can. Alex is right behind him.)

ALEX: Dial faster! Dial faster!

DAVE: I'm trying! I'm trying!! (hangs up the phone and slams the door shut) DONE!!

(The phone booth disappears as the boys scream.)

Back at the Bishie Infirmary…

(May has arrived after sending Dave and Alex on their way through movie hell and stripping of her costume, to find Shelly and the LPiB surrounding Kelly on an operating table. Tetei-sama is in charge and has been ordering around the lot of them to help him do his work. Zadei – an admirer of Tetei for a long while – stands at the back of the room watching him do his work.)

MAY: What happened to her? Why is she here?

SHELLY: She passed out because we were all trying to find out what happened to her third act and we  pressured her into exhaustion. Her sister brought her here because she didn't know where else to take her.

CHRISSY: Yeah, I figured you guys were the closest. I read some of your plays and heard that you had an infirmary and I realized that it had to be nearby the stage.

MAY: Well, I guess that was good thinking.

KELLY: (moans and rolls over)

SHELLY: Hey, was that a good thing? Does that mean she's coming out of it?

TETEI: Will you just let me do my job? There shouldn't be this many people in here at once! May, Shelly, leave! And you too, Chrissy!

CHRISSY: Me? What'd I do?

TETEI: All you people are close to her and would be worried if I did something that didn't seem right to you. Now just leave the LPiB here and I'll use them to help me. NOW GET OUT!!

(May, Shelly, and Chrissy leave looking upset. They walk out to the waiting area, whip out a box full of sugar – mostly chocolate – to comfort them.)

MAY: Man, what if Tetei-sama doesn't know what he's doing?

SHELLY: (practically pouncing on May) OF COURSE TETEI KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING!!!

MAY: Sorry! Sorry!! (looks really worried) I won't say it again! I promise!

SHELLY: (going back to her normal state) Damn right you won't.

CHRISSY: I wonder what they're gonna do?

MAY: Probably try to revive her with certain things like smelling salts, adrenaline and such.

SHELLY: (shudders) Ick… needles…

CHRISSY: Ooh, I don't think Kelly will let them use needles on her, even if she is unconscious.

MAY: Yeah, I think she's right.

SHELLY: (giggling) Her veins would probably constrict like mine do. They wouldn't be able to get past her flailing arms!

(They all giggle for a moment.)

MAY: Wait a minute… Have you guys thought of everything we've tried to revive her with when she sleeps in? Nothing works, right?

SHELLY: Yeah… what's your point?

CHRISSY: Wait! I think I know what you're talking about! Nothing would wake her except loud music or…

ALL THREE: Ewan!!

_(The three of them go dashing off in search of Ewan to revive Kelly. Hopefully they'll find him before Lauren does.)_


	13. Intermission 2

INTERMISSION (2)

Again, with 'Bill & Ted'…

(The phone booth pops up in the middle of a grassy knoll, but with a cloudy gray overcast overhead. Alex and Dave step out and look around.)

ALEX: Dammit, Dave. You have to look up the numbers you're dialing in. Next time, we might end up in the middle of a dino free-for-all. Or maybe even in the middle of a monster truck rally. That would not be good and we won't have enough time to dial before we're smushed!

DAVE: Alright, alright. I'll remember. First let's find out where we are now.

ALEX: (grabs the phone directory and begins flipping pages) Well, I figured we must have ended up in the movie 'Ice Age' since there were computer-generated mammoths coming at us.

DAVE: Right.

ALEX: What were the numbers you just dialed in?

DAVE: (looks at Alex with a blank expression) Uh…

ALEX: You… don't… remember??

DAVE: I think there was a one… and a five… definitely a five in it…

ALEX: How many numbers did you dial?

DAVE: Seven?

ALEX: GREAT!! Just great. You know, I never swear because it's against my morals, but now that I'm here with you, I may just break my own rules. If you don't remember what numbers you dialed in thirty seconds, I'm gonna hit you with a truckload of pain!!

DAVE: OK!! OK! Just think of this! We must be in England or thereabout because of the overcast, right? I mean, the British Isles is supposed to be pretty bleak.

ALEX: Yeah, I see your point, but we've only seen five minutes on one day. This might just be one day. Not an entire week, you know.

DAVE: Well, I tried.

ALEX: (still flipping, lands on a page and begins to read) Hey, what about this one? "Set mostly on green grassy knolls in bleak weather – typical weather for Scotland – this movie will keep you on the edge of your seat with realistic violence and gore…" Oh, I hope that's not where we are.

DAVE: (looking over at the next hill in horror) I don't think we have a choice. What title did you say?

ALEX: 'Braveheart.' Why?

DAVE: 'Cause I can see a bunch of men in kilts and blue face paint coming right for us!!

(They run for the booth and Alex flips a few pages and yells out a few numbers that Dave dials. The booth disappears and reappears in a black and white setting at the base of a stormy mountain.)

DAVE: (not opening the door for fear they might run into another angry army) Where are we now?

ALEX: Um… (looks at the page) We're in the movie 'Young Frankenstein' with Gene Wilder and Madeleine Kahn. It's a comedy made in 1974.

DAVE: But then why are we in black and white?

ALEX: It was supposed to add a sense of the time period it was meant to be in. The main character was supposed to be the grandson of the masterminded scientist, Dr. Frankenstein. The grandson thinks the doctor was a crackpot and doesn't want the inheritance from him, but eventually follows in his footsteps to try to create another creature from the dead. He ends up doing the same mistakes that the doctor made. It's supposed to be a real classic comedy and one of the top hundred movies.

DAVE: That doesn't sound too bad. Let's get out of this booth, stash it someplace where no one can find it, and go check this place out.

ALEX: Sounds like a good idea.

(They step out and drag the booth over behind a nearby tavern, hiding it behind a conveniently large bush.)

ALEX: Hm… That was a bit too easy. I guess we should take it as a blessing. Alrighty then, where to?

DAVE: Ooh, look!! (pointing to a tavern) A bar!! Let's go!!

ALEX: But we're not old enough to drink…

DAVE: Who cares?? (runs directly to the tavern and slams into the door, not realizing it was closed)

ALEX: (doubles over with laughter as Dave falls over backwards) You idiot!! Hahaha!! That was… so stupid!! (can hardly breathe from laughing so hard)

DAVE: (rubbing his head and climbing cautiously up onto a bench) Oh, will you just shut up? Ow…

ALEX: (calming a bit down) Well, maybe we should go to the castle for some medical attention. It says that the Frankenstein guy is a doctor.

DAVE: Fine… but you'll have to drag me… My head is killing me…

ALEX: (groans and begins to walk towards the gate, leaving Dave behind)

DAVE: Hey! Wait!! (chases after)

(They walk towards the gates and find that there is a huge lock and chain over the bars between them.)

ALEX: Well, forget going up there. That would have been the first bit of fun all day.

(small rumble from behind… they don't notice)

DAVE: Man, we have to find a comedy that will actually be fun that won't harm us, you know? 'Cause what I remember about most comedies is that they involve a lot of bodily harm and emotional stress to the main characters and those around them…

ALEX: Really? In comedies?

(Low rumble from down the street… neither hear it)

ALEX: Are you sure?

DAVE: (thinks) Yup. In all the comedies I've seen as well as the ones Kelly's told me about… Always a little bodily harm.

(Rumble gets louder)

ALEX: Hey… do you hear that?

DAVE: Hear what?

(Rumbling gets louder and a large mob-like crowd emerges from down the street led by an exaggerated crippled Nazi-like general.)

ALEX: That. (points to mob)

DAVE: ……… Oh.

NAZI GUY: (spitting when he talks, emphasizing the X's and S's of every word) Excuse me, but vat are you doing at zis establishment? Who are you? Do you have anyzing to do vis zis monster fiasco?

ALEX: Ve're tourists! Ve – I mean, WE just got here! We have absolutely nothing to do with the monster thing!

DAVE: Yeah, nothing!

NAZI GUY: (leering at them with his eyeglass) I do not zink so! I zink you are a major part of zis fiasco! Qvickly, my mob-type follovers! After zem!

DAVE and ALEX: Oh, shi~~t!!

(Mob people begin to chase after zem… er, I mean THEM… and they reach the booth. Dave jumps in and reaches for the phone, but Alex blocks him while shutting the door behind them.)

ALEX: Oh, no you don't. We're gonna know exactly where we're going this time! (grabs phone book, flips through, finds a number and quickly dials it) We're outta here!!

(Booth disappears with a flash of lightning… the crowd stares dumbly at the spot the booth vanished from.)

NAZI GUY: Vell, balls. Alright, everyvone. Let's go after ze mad scientist!

(Mob follows after.)

Back at the Bishie Infirmary…

(Tetei and many nurses surround Kelly's unconscious body on an operating table. They have already tried waking her up with various items: gentle slaps across the face, not so gentle slaps across the face, chocolate, and smelling salts. They were just about to try their next plan…)

TETEI: Alright, nurse Zadei. Hand me the needle of adrenaline.

ZADEI: Sure thing, Tetei-sama! (grabs the needle and begins to hand it to Tetei point down)

TETEI: (shouting) Not with the point!!

ZADEI: (blushing) Oops. Hehe, sorry. (hands Tetei the needle normally)

TETEI: Alright, here goes. Random Bishie nurse, prepare her arm.

RANDOM BISHIE NURSE: (reluctantly swabs Kelly's arm and prepares it for the shot)

OTHER RANDOM BISHIES: (back away slowly as not to be noticed, and run out the door, anticipating what's to happen)

TETEI: Thank you, Random Bishie nurse. (leans in, barely pokes end of needle into her arm…)

(Kelly sits bolt upright, grabs the needle out of Tetei's hands, and throws it across the room, shattering it on the back wall. Turns back to Tetei – who notices Kelly's eyes are still closed – and punches him so hard in the face, that he flies backward into Zadei and they both go flying across the room, out the swinging doors, and into the wall outside. Those who were in the play and actually cared for Kelly were waiting outside and saw Tetei and Zadei come flying out, both knocked unconscious. Looking into the room, they see Kelly return her head to the forward position and collapse into another unconscious state.)

WAITING PEOPLE: (turn to look at each other with knowing glances) They tried needles. Stupid men…

TETEI and ZADEI: x_X zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz 


	14. Intermission 3

INTERMISSION (3)

Following May, Shelly, and Chrissy around the stage…

SHELLY: Where'd he get to so fast?

CHRISSY: What do Scotsmen do in their spare time?

MAY: (shrugs)

CHRISSY: (shrugs)

SHELLY: Wait! Her website! She has all the links to every Ewan website and info page in the world… including a German one. It should say what he likes to do on one of those, right?

MAY: (whips out a computer that folds into pocket size and unfolds into a full sized PC and begins typing) Alrighty… where would she keep the links?

CHRISSY: (staring in awe at computer) Where'd you get that? I want one!!

SHELLY: Radio Shack? Ah, well. Just search the site.

MAY: (type, type, typety-type) It says that he loves acting… and playing soccer!

SHELLY: Quick! To the soccer field behind the school! … And take the Shakespeare-mobile!

MAY and CHRISSY: …… The what?!

SHELLY: The… Shakespeare… Nevermind. Let's just go.

(Zappy old Batman TV show theme plays in background and after a brightly colored special effect, they appear behind the high school. Ewan is kicking a soccer ball back and forth and finally into the goal at the end of the empty field.)

MAY: (running toward the field) Ewan! We need you right now!

EWAN: (kicking the ball again, but as May runs down he's about to kick hard… ends up falling over backwards into the mud… still in his Ophelia costume) Shite!

MAY: Sorry… Um, we've got a bit of a problem.

CHRISSY: Kelly's gone into a sort of coma thing and no one can wake her.

EWAN: (getting up) What does that have to do with me?

SHELLY: She loves you! If chocolate won't wake her up, you can! All we ask is that you step into the room, wave your hand under her nose so she gets the scent, and then everything should be peachy keen!

EWAN: Peachy keen?

SHELLY: (blush)

EWAN: So, is that all I have to do?

MAY, CHRISSY, and SHELLY: (nod in unison)

EWAN: Fine, I'll do it.

SHELLY: Great! To the Bishie Infirmary!

(Same thing happens all over again with the music and flashy colors and they all get to the Infirmary to find Tetei and Zadei unconscious.)

SHELLY: (screaming and flying to their sides) Tetei-sama! Zadei-san! What happened to you?!

RANDOM BISHIE: They tried needles on her.

MAY: _ Ooooooh.

CHRISSY: _ Iiiiiick.

SHELLY: _

EWAN: O_O (gulp)

SHELLY: Well, off we go then. (pushes through the door)

EWAN: (being shoved by May and Chrissy following behind) Are you sure I shouldn't be worried?

MAY: Yes… we think.

KELLY: (lays motionless on the operating table)

CHRISSY: OK, Ewan. Work your magic.

EWAN: (inches up and holds hand under nose in anticipation…… nothing happens) I thought she was supposed to wake up or something.

SHELLY: (disappointedly) So did we.

MAY: What's wrong with her?? If he doesn't work we have no more options!!!

CHRISSY: Just a thought, but maybe Ewan should sing 'Come What May' before we lose all hope?

MAY and SHELLY: Great idea! Sing, Ewan! Sing!

EWAN: Er… OK. Never knew I could feel like this

               Like I've never seen the sky before

               Want to vanish inside your kiss

               Everyday I love you more and more

               Listen to my heart, can you hear it sing?

               Telling me to give you everything

               Seasons may change, winter to spring

               But I love you till the end of time

               Come what may, come what may

               I will love you until my dying day

SHELLY: (melts with little hearts for eyes)

KELLY: (twitches, but doesn't wake)

MAY: Damn! Well, it's our last resort… we have to…

SHELLY: (rematerializing from the puddle she became after hearing Ewan sing) You don't mean…

MAY: Yup. We have to.

CHRISSY: What? What?

MAY: We have to… (gulp) venture into her mind itself.

CHRISSY: Oh my God, no! I'm not going in there!

SHELLY: We have to. It's the only way.

CHRISSY: (looking worried)

MAY: (whipping out camping/mountaineering packs and handing them to Shelly and Chrissy) Put these on and get out flashlights and ropes. This trek is gonna be long and hard…

SHELLY and CHRISSY: (do as she says)

CHRISSY: Are you absolutely sure about this?

MAY: (nods)

CHRISSY: …OK…

EWAN: Do I have to go?

MAY: (glances at Shelly)

CHRISSY: (glances at May)

SHELLY: (glances at Chrissy)

ALL THREE: That's a great idea! (toss him a pack)

EWAN: (catching the pack) I shouldn't have said anything.

MAY: Shelly, you need to revive Tetei so he can open up her head for us.

SHELLY: Oki! (totters out with pack swaying behind her, comes back in with sleeping Tetei in arms, places him in chair and begins plucking his feathers one by one)

TETEI: (twitching with each pluck, suddenly sits up and shouts) NOO!! NOT MY WINGS!!

SHELLY: You're awake!! (claps) Can you help us get in her head? (points to Kelly)

TETEI: (shudders) No way! I'm not touching her! She threw me across the room!

MAY: You don't have to go with us.

TETEI: Oh, alright then. (immediately goes to work)

(Sooner than anyone thought, Kelly's head is open and May, Shelly, Ewan and Chrissy are all staring into the vast darkness of her mind. A swift wind blows through and they all shudder. They sit her up and all get on top of a table above her, drop in their ropes, plug their noses, say their prayers, and take a flying leap.)

TETEI: Good luck… you'll need it. 

Bill & Ted… or rather Alex & Dave…

(Phone booth materializes in the middle of a heavily wooded area and the boys step out cautiously.)

DAVE: Where are we now, Captain?

ALEX: (glances in phone book) Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Another comedy, but it's supposed to be a very silly one. Six guys put together the story of King Arthur's crusade by playing every character they run into. It's said to be comic genius and men everywhere think it's brilliant. Kelly sure seemed to enjoy it.

DAVE: Hey… I've heard of them. Aren't they really crazy?

ALEX: Some people thought so.

KING ARTHUR: (prancing around with a man behind him banging coconuts together) Halt, who goes there?

ALEX: (turns around to see Arthur) Uh… I am Sir Alexander and this is Sir David. We come from a far away land in search of… uh…

DAVE: The Grail?

ALEX: (violently signaling to not say anything)

ARTHUR: Well, then. You may join my knights at the round table. I am Arthur, King of the Britains and this is my trusty servant, Patsy.

DAVE: Patsy? But that's a g—

ALEX: Yes sir! We'd love to join you in your quest!

ARTHUR: Right, then off into the wood we ride!

PATSY: (begins banging the coconuts together again like galloping hooves)

ALEX and DAVE: (prancing like Arthur trying to fit in, leaving the booth behind)

(They all ride through the woods and eventually end up before a large man dressed all in black with a big beard and horns. He is surrounded by smaller men all in the same dress as he is.)

KNIGHT: (in high pitched voice) Ni! Ni! Ni!

SMALLER KNIGHTS: Ni! Ni! Ni!

ARTHUR: Who are you?

KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say Ni!

ARTHUR: Oh no! Not the Knights Who Say Ni! (cowers)

KNIGHT: The same.

ALEX: (to Dave) Who are the Knights Who Say Ni??

DAVE: Uh… them?

KNIGHT: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Peng, and Newob.

ARTHUR: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale.

KNIGHT: The Knights Who Say Ni demand a sacrifice!

ARTHUR: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the Enchanter who lives beyond these woods—

KNIGHT: Ni! Ni!

ARTHUR: Ow!! Ow! (he and Patsy cringe in fright)

KNIGHT: We shall say Ni again to you if you do not appease us.

ARTHUR: What is it you want?

KNIGHT: We want… a SHRUBBERY!

(dramatic high-pitched violin music)

ARTHUR, ALEX and DAVE: A what?

KNIGHT: Ni! Ni! Ni!

ARTHUR: (cringes again)

ALEX and DAVE: (share confused glances)

ARTHUR: Please, please! No more! We will find you a shrubbery.

KNIGHT: You will return here with a shrubbery or else you will never pass through this wood… alive.

ARTHUR: Oh Knights of Ni, you are just and fair and we will return with the shrubbery.

KNIGHT: One that looks nice.

ARTHUR: Of course.

KNIGHT: And not too expensive.

ARTHUR: Yes.

KNIGHT: Now… GO!!

(They all ride off to find a shrubbery, returning soon and placing it before the Knights of Ni.)

ARTHUR: Oh Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?

KNIGHT: It is a good shrubbery. I like laurels particularly. But there is one small problem.

ARTHUR: What is that?

KNIGHT: We are now no longer the Knights Who Say Ni.

STRAY KNIGHT: Ni! (other knights shush him)

KNIGHT: We are now the Knights Who Say… Ecky ecky ecky ecky putang zoo boing… (mumbles the rest incoherently)

STRAY KNIGHT: Ni!

KNIGHT: Therefore we must give you a test.

ARTHUR: What is this test oh Knights of… Knights Who Until Recently Said Ni?

KNIGHT: Firstly, you must find… ANOTHER SHRUBBERY!!

(dramatic violins again)

ARTHUR: (getting annoyed) Not another shrubbery!

KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here beside this shrubbery… only slightly higher so we get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.

SMALLER KNIGHTS: A path! A path!

KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest… wi~~th… A HERRING! (holds up dead fish)

(dramatic music starts, but fades out in annoyance)

ARTHUR: You can't be serious!

ALEX: This is just stupid.

DAVE: Sad.

ALEX: Let's go.

(Alex and Dave go back out of the forest the way they came in and end up on a grassy plain before a great castle.)

DAVE: Uh… (looks around) I thought we left the booth around here…

ALEX: No… there was no castle where we left it…

DAVE: Should I worry?

ALEX: Yes. Hmm… Let's start looking, then.


	15. Intermission 4

INTERMISSION (4)

In the scary place…

(May, Shelly, Chrissy, and Ewan land – finally – on the floor of the cavernous echo chamber… AKA Kelly's mind. The group of them looked like a battalion of militia from an army movie like 'Black Hawk Down.' Their flashlights were out and on, and they had heavy-duty water guns out.)

EWAN: Now, I know I've had combat training and all, but why do we have water pistols?

MAY: Um… long story. Let's just say that you've seen how Kelly works and read her scripts, right? It's pretty twisted sometimes, gets really silly, and can go just a little too far. Well, these are for those things in her head that might come after us… you know, the scary stuff and the really, really twisted things of her imagination and memory.

EWAN: And water's gonna help us? That's what's gonna fight them off?? Are you mad?!

SHELLY: Shh. Do you hear that?

(All go silent. They hear a small rumble coming from down one of the tunnels that gets louder and louder. The ground below them starts to shake and a large dark cloud full of all the scary things Kelly had ever seen. May, Shelly, and Chrissy all begin squirting their water guns at the scary beings. As each being is hit with water, they scream in pain and vanish with a *poof*!)

EWAN: Ah, I see now! (begins squirting like mad)

CHRISSY: It's a bit like holy water. (squirt, squirt, squirt)

SHELLY: (squirt, squirt, squirt) Yeah, but it works much better!

(All demon-like things are 'killed' and they all rest.)

SHELLY: Right, now which tunnel do we follow?

MAY: (whips out flashlight, turns it on, and opens a map)

CHRISSY: Hey! Where'd you get that?

MAY: Right there. (points to a shelving unit that has a sign above it reading 'Tourist Info')

SHELLY: (shrugging) Who knew?

EWAN: Does that mean that visitors actually come here often??

OTHERS: (shrug)

MAY: Let's go down this hall here. It says on the map to follow any tunnel that is marked with blue or purple, but I don't know exactly why.

CHRISSY: (staring at a tunnel behind her with a river of steaming, smelly, glowing green-yellow goo flowing out of it) I think it's a good idea. This one looks icky.

SHELLY: (looks at top of tunnel that Chrissy is staring at and lights up the sign with her flashlight) It says that it leads to her cleaning and organization skills and other such things. I'm guessing by the goo that Kelly hasn't visited it in a VERY long time.

CHRISSY: (holding her nose) I think that's the right assumption. ICK!

SHELLY: Well what's the tunnel you want us to go down?

MAY: (holds her flashlight up to the sign above the tunnel) Oh, boy. Her movie/music/TV fact storage area that links up with her creativity lounge. Should I look for another tunnel?

CHRISSY: Nah. I've always wondered where Kelly gets her ideas from anyway. Let's see how her mind really works.

EWAN: I'm not sure I really wanna do that. I mean, what if it's a lot worse than you thought?

SHELLY: We've been around her for a while now. I think we know just what to expect by now.

EWAN: I hope you're right.

CHRISSY: If it makes anyone feel any better, this tunnel looks more modern and well kept than anything around here. (silence) OK, so it doesn't make anyone feel better. Are you as scared as I am?

(All nod)

SHELLY: Right. Onward and upward. Keep your water guns and facemasks at the ready at all times… just in case.

(They begin to hike down the tunnel following brightly lit blue arrows pointing towards their destination. They stay as quiet as possible and can hear various whispers and wisps of music drift past them. Some are recognizable. Others – the older and more forgotten – are less audible.)

RANDOM VOICE: Hey Sanka, ya dead?

RANDOM VOICE 2: Ya man.

CHRISSY: Hey! I recognize that! That's a quote from 'Cool Runnings!'

MAY: And I guess it's attached to the floating name there. (points to floating name Doug E. Doug)

CHRISSY: Yup. He played Sanka.

SHELLY: Must be how she files things. Attaches quotes and songs to movies and actors and stuff.

EWAN: Yeah… (stares at words passing him by – 'Blue Juice' – one of the movies he was in… the words are decked out in socks) But why are there socks on that one?

SHELLY: (glances at title and giggles) I remember that one! She showed us that one day when we wanted to go on a Ewan binge and we were all suddenly surprised by the appearance of the main character in only a sock. You don't remember that from filming?

EWAN: I guess I pushed it out of my mind…

CHRISSY: I heard about that!

MAY: We'll never forget it, will we? Not with Chibi Legolas running around collecting socks from everywhere.

SHELLY: (smirk)

MAY: Hey, look! Here comes Eddie Izzard! (points to name)

NAME: (shouting in British accent) What's an elephant? It's an upside-down squirrel, sir! Run that by me again? An upside-down squirrel! (sings) If you've never seen an elephant ski then you've never been on acid!

MAY: (suddenly on the floor rolling with laughter) HAHAHAHA!!

SHELLY: (giggling at May)

CHRISSY: (pointing up ahead) Do you guys see that light up ahead?

(All glance forward as May pulls herself together. They see a brightly lit green room at the end of the tunnel. They hurry towards it with their pistols ready in anticipation. Reaching it, they notice huge television/computer-like screens with categories and random information on them.)

EWAN: Wow. You'd think she studied this stuff for an exam or something.

MAY: If only she used that skill for studying math or history.

SHELLY: (steps cautiously towards a large keyboard below a screen and types in EWAN McGREGOR) WOW!! Look at that!

(Screen produces a big picture and a large list of all movies he's ever been in – including some TV spots – and marks all she's seen and has yet to see. It even gives a detailed list of who else was in the movie/show with him.)

EWAN: My God… she's practically stalking me.

MAY: I think you're safe. It's only media stalking. If she shows up at your house with a dozen white roses… that's when you should slap a restraining order on her.

EWAN: Right…

SHELLY: (looking impressed with the computer) You can even select some of the names of the costars to check out what else they've been in that she's seen. This is really neat!

MAY: What do you want to bet that if we go to Kelly's mathematical mind it won't be nearly this high-tech?

CHRISSY: Let's not. I don't wanna enter a rundown place that could be crawling with who-knows-what.

(Everything goes silent for a moment as they fiddle with the computers. Ewan looks up as he hears faint music drifting down the hall opposite the one they entered through. It sounds vaguely familiar to him and he follows it without anyone noticing. May, Shelly, and Chrissy are all typing in certain titles, names of actors, and songs to see what they can come up with… when a bloodcurdling girlish scream pierces the silence from down the corridor. They all turn to see that Ewan is missing and whip out their BIG water guns and follow the scream. The enter a big, bright red room with tassels, Indian motifs, and a huge lit sign reading…)

SHELLY: (screaming with delight) Moulin Rouge!!

MAY: (looking around in awe) Oh… My… God…

CHRISSY: (also in awe and utter shock) Holy cripes.

EWAN: (whimpering) The entire room… dedicated… to the Moulin Rouge…

MAY: Can you hear that?

('Come What May Finale' playing in background. Little actors and actresses that look similar to the real cast are acting it all out on a giant stage. Only one actor looks the way they would normally – Ewan, of course. Besides the stage scene, everything around the room is dedicated to how Ewan looked and acted in that particular movie. Huge posters line the walls and chibis of him run everywhere. There are also big signs saying TRUTH, BEAUTY, FREEDOM, and LOVE as well as every title of every song in the movie.)

EWAN: (watching a chibi of himself run past) Christ…

MAY: (looking concernedly at him) I think we should get him out of this room. It's too much of a shock to any system.

CHRISSY: I agree.

SHELLY: I wanna stay! I like it here!

MAY, CHRISSY, and EWAN: No! We're LEAVING!

SHELLY:_ (being dragged by the rest of them begins whimpering)_ I wanna stay with the Chibi Ewans! Waaaaaah!


	16. Intermission 5

INTERMISSION (5)

Still on the hills of the 'Monty Python' set…

(Dave and Alex are roaming the hills of 'ancient' England. They've been wandering for so long that they're not even sure if they've been walking in circles or not. They stop on one hill.)

DAVE: Are we walking around in circles?

ALEX: I'm not sure. (pauses, looks around and straightens up) Look, there's a castle up there. Let's go see if there's anyone there who can help us.

DAVE: Oki doki.

(They walk up a steep incline to find that there's a man at the top of the lookout tower.)

DAVE: Who's that?

ALEX: Let's ask. (calling up to the man) Hello? Can you hear me?

MAN: (leans over and speaks with an outrageous accent) 'Allo. Who is eet?

ALEX: Uh, we're just travelers looking for our… uh… booth. A big box like thing. Can I ask? Whose castle is this?

MAN: Thees is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard. *pronounced gwee de lwambard*

DAVE: (whispering to Alex) Why does he talk like that?

ALEX: Could you go to your master and ask him if he could help us search for our… booth?

MAN: Well, I'll ask heem, but I don't think he'll be very keen. He's already got one, you see?

ALEX: What?!

DAVE: He says he's already got one.

ALEX: (looks confusedly annoyed at Dave, then calls back to the man) Are you sure he's got one?

MAN: Oh yes. Eet's very nice. (man turns to his buddies and whispers) I told him we already got one!

FRIENDS: (giggle)

ALEX: (looking still confused) Can we come up and see it?

MAN: Of course not, you are American types… and I saw you with those English types.

ALEX: But what are you, then?

MAN: (becoming outraged) I'm French! Why do you tink I have thees outrageous accent, you silly boy.

DAVE: (calls up) What are you doing in England?

MAN: Mind your own business!

DAVE: (looks pouty because he was put down)

ALEX: If you won't show us, we'll have to barge in!

MAN: You don't frighten us, American pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called traveler, you and your silly sid-a-kick. (blows a raspberry at them tauntingly)

DAVE: What a strange guy.

ALEX: Look here, you!

MAN: (interrupting) I don' want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal, food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

DAVE: Is there anyone else there we can talk to?

MAN: No. now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.

ALEX: Now listen! We just want to look, and we've been polite—

MAN: (ordering his friends) Fetchez la vache.

FRIEND: Quoi?

MAN: Fetchez la vache!

FRIENDS: (go down and immediately grab a cow and bring it to the man up top)

ALEX: If you won't let us up there…

(Cow is launched over the wall at them, mooing with fright)

ALEX: Holy shit!

(Cow lands on Dave, but he's OK… unfortunately… just kidding)

MAN: (looks pleased with himself)

ALEX: We either bust in and find the booth – (helps Dave up) – or we run away before they shoot something else at us.

DAVE: I think we should bust in.

ALEX: (sighing) I thought you were gonna say that. Alright, let's go!

(The both of them begin to run at the castle… and various farm animals are suddenly launched at them.)

MAN: (throwing a duck at them) Thees one is for your mother!

ALEX: (barely dodging out of the way of a flying sheep) Run away!! Run away!!

(Alex and Dave run as fast as they can away from the castle heading back towards the forest in fear. The flying animals are still trailing them and even begin chasing after them on their own. Dave looks about to wet himself from fright.)

----

Back in the twisted mind of the writer…

(May leads the fearful group through the dark tunnels of Kelly's mind. The flashlights dart around, lighting various names, quotes, and movies, hearing various things spouting from them. Shelly – still pouting from being dragged out of the beautiful Moulin Rouge room – follows forlornly behind the group, flashlight dragging hopelessly along the floor. Chrissy looks paranoid, but no one is as frightened as Ewan, who looks about to shed his skin.)

MAY: Maybe it was a bad idea to try and fish her out of here…

CHRISSY: I agree totally.

(A sign floats by that reads 'Eric Idle' and it's singing 'I Like Chinese.')

MAY: (turns around at the sign and yells) I hate that song!!! Stop singing!! (whips out her water pistol and squirts it violently)

SIGN: (disappears with a *poof!*)

CHRISSY: (blink) Uh… are you sure that was a good idea? You may have just erased her memory of Eric Idle completely.

MAY: (glare) I don't care. Just so long as she doesn't remember that damn song!

EWAN: (whimper)

SHELLY: But what about Kelly? She's got a play to finish and she can't exactly do that in her current state of mind.

MAY: (stops in her tracks and looks like she's had a revelation) Wait a second… That's it!!

OTHERS: ……… Huh?

MAY: Follow me to her 'State of Mind'! (runs like a bat out of hell)

OTHERS: (follow suit)


	17. Intermission 6

Back again, with the idiots…

(Alex and Dave run through the forest screaming from the 'Monty Python' crew who are still throwing innocent farm animals at them. The animals follow half from fright, half from interest to scare the two to death. Alex and Dave finally stop and hide behind two very out of place bushes. The animals stampede past them. After they've gone, Alex and Dave cautiously poke their heads out to check if the coast is clear.)

ALEX: I think they're gone.

DAVE: (stepping out from behind the bush) Ditto.

ALEX: This is insane. How can we lose the booth? We can't get back to the play if it's missing!

DAVE: I know that. (helps Alex out from behind his bush) But there's nothing I can do about it.

ALEX: We could try looking more, but if we see anyone, I think we should run away. The people here are complete whackos.

DAVE: Agreed. But… what exactly are we supposed to do? Where are we supposed to look? WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE WE ARE!!!

ALEX: …… Good point. Uh… got a compass?

DAVE: (sarcastically) Not on me. But I usually keep it on me in case of GETTING LOST IN A MOVIE.

ALEX: Quit being a smartass.

(Alex dusts himself off. Dave looks distracted by nothing as usual, when they both furrow their brows as they hear something in the distance. Alex stands up straight and looks confusedly at Dave. Dave glances back, worried.)

DAVE: What the fuck is that?

ALEX: It sounds like two things… on the right side (turns to his right) it sounds like an army running at us…

DAVE: Yet from the left (turns to his left) it sounds like orchestral music…

(Clanging of metal weapons nearing to one side, orchestra music from 'Moulin Rouge' to the other.)

ALEX: Does that sound familiar to you?

DAVE: Like something I heard Kelly playing during scene changes.

(Clanging steadily gets louder, an army is visible in the distance.)

ALEX: Follow it! Follow the music!!

(They both run as fast as they were before towards the music through the forest. Gradually, the two begin to notice that the forest is thinning out and turning into a dark tunnel. The trees become sparser, until they slow to a stop in a dark tunnel.)

DAVE: Uh… where are we now?

ALEX: (looking around) I have no idea…

(A bat flies overhead)

DAVE: I'm a bit nervous now…

ALEX: You and me both.

DAVE: I don't care anymore where we are! Just so long as we can get away from them!!!

(Clanging and shouting echo off the walls around them making them instinctively run away in fear.)

----

One more time…

(May, Chrissy, Shelly, and Ewan are roaming down an abandoned and dusty tunnel. May, Chrissy, and Ewan all look absolutely terrified of what they might be walking into. Shelly oddly looks ecstatic.)

MAY: (looking at Shelly in annoyance) What the hell are you grinning about!?

SHELLY: (quickly wiping the smile off her face) Nothing, nothing. I wasn't grinning.

OTHERS: (exchange glances) Right…

CHRISSY: So, why exactly are we taking this dark deserted tunnel again?

MAY: It's the only direct route to Kelly's State of Mind cavern. It's probably a hell of a lot safer than it would be indirectly with all the things crawling around here.

EWAN: (watching several spider-like creatures crawl past him – ranging from movies such as 'Minority Report' to 'Runaway' – in fear) I'm not so sure about your logic.

MAY: (rolls eyes at Ewan and whips out map just in case) We're almost there… according to the map, anyways.

CHRISSY: I hope we're close. I wanna get out of here as soon as possible. It's beginning to freak me out.

EWAN: Ditto.

(They walk a little further and come to another crossroads. May glances at map in confusion as everyone uses their flashlights to light up the signs on each tunnel.)

MAY: Uh…

EWAN: What's wrong?

MAY: Um… nothing. I just have to make sure…

CHRISSY: …Why do you look so worried?

MAY: Uh… I might have… misread the map…

EWAN and CHRISSY: WHAT?!?!

MAY: (becoming defensive) I looked at the map! I was following the map! It says to follow this tunnel and that we'd end up right in her State of Mind… but there's no picture or mention of any crossroads in between here and there…

(They all gather around May and look at map thinking they could sort everything out.)

SHELLY: We can't be too lost, right? I mean, it's her mind… it's not *that* big and confusing.

CHRISSY: Have you lived with her for 13 years of your life?

SHELLY: Uh… no…

CHRISSY: Well I have. We are pretty much dead in here.

EWAN: Are you absolutely sure that we can't get out of here?

MAY: No, no. We haven't exhausted all of our sources yet. Don't lose all hope…

(The sounds of distant screams echo down one of the tunnels getting closer and sounding vaguely familiar. Alex and Dave coming tearing through, screaming at the top of their lungs and don't even notice the group they pass. The group stares in confusion.)

CHRISSY: Wasn't that Dave and Alex that just ran by?

MAY: I think so…

SHELLY: (looking at where they came from) I don't think they're alone, guys…

(Ground rumbles as the large army of knights and animals from 'Holy Grail', mob guys from 'Young Frankenstein', warriors from 'Braveheart', and computer generated things from 'Ice Age' stampede closer.)

SHELLY: (turning and looking at the rest of them in horror) RUN!!!

(They follow Dave and Alex at breakneck speed as the groups from the movies charge after them in a cloud of dust. They stop just behind a bewildered Dave and Alex and shout.)

SHELLY: Keep moving!

CHRISSY: They're coming after us!

EWAN: There's a shite load of them!

MAY: What the hell is wrong with you two?!?!

(Alex and Dave point in front of them at the phone booth they have just run into.)

DAVE: What the fuck is *that* doing *here*?!?!

MAY: (turning back) Just get in!!!!

(They all pile into the phone booth – amazed that they can all fit inside – and slam the door shut in panic.)

ALEX: (shouting at Dave) We need to get out of here fast!

DAVE: I know! I know!! (flipping through phone book, stops on a page and stares in confusion and amazement, then types in the numbers as fast as he can) Here we go!

(Everyone else watches as the stampede is almost on them, screaming so loud they plug their ears, then the booth disappears, leaving the angry mob quiet and bewildered.)

………………………

(Not too soon later, they land in a similar looking tunnel, but luckily free of said angry mob. They all cautiously step out of the booth while May, Shelly, Chrissy, and Ewan hold their water pistols out in front of them warily.)

ALEX: What did you type in??

DAVE: It was the weirdest entry we've seen yet, and it didn't have a description, so I figured it would work…

ALEX: But what was the title?

DAVE: You're not gonna believe me… Kelly's State of Mind.

MAY: (whips around to look at him) What did you say? You just launched us into her State of Mind?

DAVE: (looking scared) Was that a bad thing?

MAY: No! (latching herself onto him in a relieved hug) This is where we've been trying to get for an hour!!

DAVE: (looks proud of himself)

ALEX: Um, question. Where exactly are we?

CHRISSY: We're in Kelly's mind.

ALEX: ………… Run that by me again?

SHELLY: Kelly passed out and we couldn't get her to wake up in time for the next act, so we figured we'd fetch her out manually.

DAVE: (struggling to get May off him) And why are we here?

MAY: (climbing down – because Dave is much taller than her) Well, when I said you were gonna venture through all the fun movies, I lied… you were actually going through Kelly's database of movies. You notice that every movie you got to was one she saw?

DAVE: But why no Ewan flicks?

MAY: …… Uh… pure chance?

ALEX: Do you think I would have survived in a Ewan movie? Hell no.

CHRISSY: Looks to me like you almost didn't survive *any* of the movies you entered.

ALEX: OK… bad choices.

MAY: It was only a matter of time until you found your way in here.

EWAN: Great. Can we leave now?

MAY: Wait, we still have to find Kelly.

OTHERS: No we don't.

MAY: Yes we do. We need to finish this damn play, or all of this was for nothing.

OTHERS: (sigh) Alright.

SHELLY: You know, she's right. I don't want to leave Kelly in here. And besides, the sooner we find her, the sooner we can leave.

(Everyone suddenly begins looking.)

MAY: (turns and looks in the corner behind her and smiles)  Found her!

(They all run over to the corner to Kelly who is crouched in the corner of the room, asleep… snoring.)

MAY: (shaking Kelly's shoulders) Kelly, wake up. We have to finish your play.

KELLY: (snort) … Huh… wha? (opens eyes wide) Hey! What are *you* guys doing here?

SHELLY: We're here to get you out of here. You've been in a sort of coma for so long now…

CHRISSY: And we need to get this God awful play over with.

KELLY: (glares at Chrissy and growls) How dare you say that. (is about to lunge at her when May stops her)

MAY: Kelly, let's just get you out of here, and then you can kill her in the real world.

KELLY: (blinks at May) You mean… I get to come out? WOOHOO! Let's go!! (zooms over to booth and waits patiently inside) Come on!

CHRISSY: (whispering to Dave) Why is she so excited to leave her mind?

DAVE: I know, it's like she never gets out at all…

_(They pile into the booth and May takes the book and dials the number to get back to the infirmary. The booth flashes out of existence in a bolt of lightning.)_

………………………

(Phone booth reappears in Bishie Infirmary OR just behind Kelly's open head. Tetei and Zadei are asleep in the corner of the room in each other's arms. The group steps out of the booth and some even collapse to the floor.)

SHELLY: (runs over to Tetei and tries waking him) Tetei-sama! Wake up! You have to put Kelly's head back together!

TETEI: Wha? No, Zadei, I won't role play… (blinks up at Shelly) Huh? OH! Right! (zooms over and puts Kelly back together before Shelly asks what  he was talking about)

KELLY: (slowly blinks and opens her eyes… looks around and gets excited) Hey, guys! I'm really out! It finally happened! I can run freeeeeeeee!!!! (zooms out, grunting like a crazed primate, leaving the rest perplexed)

CHRISSY: Why do I have the feeling that we just let out the wrong Kelly?

DAVE: What do you mean?

ALEX: You mean like a split or hidden personality?

(Chrissy nods)

EWAN: That doesn't sound good. Well, we'll find out, won't we?

(All go back to the stage in freaked out mutterings, leaving Shelly behind with her pack. She checks around for any stragglers, pulls her pack off and whips it open, pulling out three Chibi Ewans.)

SHELLY: Sorry guys! I didn't mean to leave you in there for so long, but it was necessary.

(Two of the Chibi Ewans pass out on the floor from lack of air, the other left panting for breath.)

SHELLY: Oh, you guys will be fine, once I get you to the stage. There you can run free with my chibis and do whatever you want. You're free!… but you still sorta belong to me. Just stay away from these few people._ (gives the one awake chibi a stack of pictures including Kelly, both Lizzes, and Lauren, among others) _Alright, quickly. Let me get you out of here! _(picks them up in her arms and rushes spy-like out the door)_


	18. Act 4, Scenes 1 and 2

Title: Another Shakespeare Parody

Author: Tabitha Wexley (Kelly)

Warnings: May get EXTREMELY weird, silly, and quite outrageous at times throughout the play. Harsh language, threat to bodily harm, and mild violence used. No lifeguard on duty. Proceed at your own risk.

Disclaimers: Now, here comes the climax of this little trip; the tallest part of this roller coaster; the height of action…… _FWAP!!_

               Our most sincere apologies. Those responsible for writing the disclaimers have just been sacked (fired).

               *ahem* OK. This should be the most fun of all the acts so far. A few special surprises turn up here and there, so keep an eye out for them. In fact, keep an eye out for the majestic moose on the side of your screen during the second and third scenes…… _THWACK!!_

               Again, we apologize for the idiocy at work here. Those responsible for taking over for the people who have recently been sacked have just been sacked.

               Rightyo. What they meant to say was that this act should be the best so far and that we hope you enjoy it. Thanks for your time… and now for the boogie with Ralph the Wonder Llama!!

               (heeheehee)

_(One of Shelly's Chibi Ewans pops up from the trap door in the stage with a picket sign reading the act, then looks left and right and disappears below the door again. Several shouts from the cast members are heard regarding 'What the hell was that?' and similar.)_

ACT IV, Scene 1

_----A room in the castle._

_(Enter Grant, Danny, Doug, and TJ)_

GRANT: Your sighs are so burdened. Please, tell me the meaning of them: where is your son Hamlet?

DANNY: _(to Doug and TJ) _Please leave us alone for a while.

_(TJ and Doug leave)_

DANNY: Oh, my lord! If you'd seen what I've seen!! _(falling to his knees)_

GRANT:_ (getting nervous)_ What? What is it? What has Hamlet done?

DANNY: That wacko is _CRAZY_!! He comes in all high and mighty and hears something from behind the arras… that was the closet for those of you who don't know… and stabs through it like a madman crying, 'A rat, a rat!' He killed dear old Polonius.

GRANT: My God, he's become worse than ever! Had I been there… who knows!? How can we deal with him now? Where has he gone?

DANNY: He's gone to lay Polonius to rest. He even weeps for what he did.

GRANT: _(reluctantly wrapping his arms around Danny)_ Oh, come, Gertrude. Let's go. We'll be rid of him soon and until then we must be able to tolerate it. — Ho, Guildenstern!

_(Re-enter TJ and Doug)_

TJ: _(annoyed)_ I'm not a ho.

GRANT: _(rolling his eyes) _Friends, Hamlet's finally gone mental and murdered Polonius. Find him and bring back the body. And be quick about it.

DOUG: _(turning to leave with TJ) _Why don't we actually have a part in this scene?

TJ: Who knows?

_(TJ and Doug leave)_

GRANT: Come, Gertrude, let's call our friends and tell them what we're doing as well as what's happened.

DAVE: _(after finally being untied by Liz E)_ Why would you wanna start telling your friends about your insane kid killing your friend? The rumors would be worse than at school!

LIZ E: _(holding a gag threateningly) _I let you go hoping that you'd be quiet. Are you gonna make me go back on my actions?

DAVE: _(shaking his head and cowering back)_

LIZ E: That's a good boy.

GRANT: Right… Oh, come away! My soul is full of discord and dismay.

_(Exit)_

_(Another Chibi Ewan runs across the stage with a banner flying behind him reading the act before running offstage to Shelly's protective arms.)_

ACT IV, Scene 2

_----Another room in the castle._

_(Enter Kelly, whose hair has gone from her normal brown color and almost mid-back length to choppy chin length magenta)_

ALL: What the hell did you do to your hair?!?

KELLY: What? Don't you like it? _(begins to model her new hair)_

ALL: Erm… Yeah?

KELLY: _(annoyed sigh)_ Oh, your opinion doesn't matter. I like it and this is the way it's staying. Any questions?

ALL: _(shake heads no)_

CHRISSY: _(lifting her hood from her black robe and whispering)_ Now I *know* we let out the wrong one…

KELLY:Good. Now, *ahem*. Safely stowed.

TJ and DOUG: _(from offstage)_ Hamlet! Lord Hamlet!

KELLY: Who calls me? Oh, here they come.

_(Enter Doug and TJ)_

DOUG: Where'd you put the body?

KELLY: Buried it.

DOUG: Tell us where it is so we can bring it to the church.

KELLY: _(looking away crazily)_ Don't believe it.

DOUG: Believe what?

KELLY: That I can give you advice but not myself. And why should I – the son of a king – answer to a sponge!?

DOUG: You think I'm a sponge?

KELLY: Of course! You soak up everything that comes from the king: his words, his actions, his money! But the king is the only one to benefit from it! When he needs it, he'll squeeze you, sponge, until you're dry again.

DOUG: Uh, I don't get it.

KELLY: Good.

DOUG: Lord, tell us where the body is or we'll have to bring you to the king.

TJ: Um, we're bringing him to him anyway.

DOUG: Oh, right.

KELLY: The body is with the king, but the king is not with the body; the king is a thing—

TJ: A _thing_?!

KELLY: Of nothing. Fine, bring me to him. Hide fox, and all after.

(Exit)

DAVE: (offstage) What the hell did that last line mean??

MAY: Could someone shut him up?! I'll put him back in that fucking phone booth without a directory if he doesn't stay quiet!


	19. Act 4, Scenes 3 and 4

(All three Chibi Ewans plop down from the ceiling on ropes from a helicopter hovering above with signs attached to their backs reading 'See BLACK HAWK DOWN' and the act. Shelly – who is offstage – squeals with delight as they disconnect themselves from the ropes, grab their guns and stalk offstage.)

ACT IV, Scene 3

----Another room in the castle.

(Enter Grant with many followers)

GRANT: I've sent them to find the—

(Enter Kelly enraged)

KELLY: What the hell was that???

GRANT: Huh?!?

KELLY: Where'd the little Ewans come from??? Who brought them here?

(Shelly steps on stage with the three chibis in her arms cowering from Kelly)

SHELLY: Uh… I took them… from your mind during the Intermission. There were so many in the 'Moulin Rouge' room that I figured it wouldn't matter if a couple were taken. I'm sorry! But I'm keeping them!

KELLY: (sweatdrop) Fine. They can stay, but only if they do the scene changes for the rest of the play.

SHELLY: SQUEEEEE!!!

KELLY: Continue!!

(Shelly and Kelly go offstage leaving Grant alone again)

GRANT: *ahem* I've sent them to find the body. Hamlet's too dangerous to be kept loose! We can't use our law on him because the people of this country love him. They'd surely rebel. His voyage is the only way.

(Enter Doug)

GRANT: Ah! What's happened?

DOUG: (whining) He won't tell us where he hid the body. (pouts)

GRANT: But where's Hamlet?

DOUG: Outside with some guards.

GRANT: Bring him in.

DOUG: Ho Guildenstern!

TJ: (from offstage) Dammit! I said I'm not a ho!

DOUG: Bring him in!

(Enter TJ grumbling with Kelly in tow)

TJ: Why did I get the shit part? I should have been Rosencrantz…

GRANT: Hamlet, where's Polonius?

KELLY: Dinner.

GRANT: Dinner!? Where?

KELLY: Not where he eats but rather eaten. Worms are at him now. A worm is an emperor for diet, for we all fatten ourselves for maggots. A fat king and skinny bum are two dishes to one table – that's the end.

ALL: Ick…

GRANT: Alas!

KELLY: A man fishes with a worm that had eaten a king, then eat the fish that ate that worm.

GRANT: What are you talking about?

KELLY: Just that a king may pass through the insides of a beggar.

GRANT: Dammit, where's Polonius?

KELLY: In heaven. Send for him there to see, and you don't find him, send to the other place… hell. But, beware… if you don't find him this month, you'll begin to smell him as you go upstairs into the lobby.

GRANT: (to some attendants) Go seek him there!

KELLY: He will stay until you come.

GRANT: Hamlet, this is for your safety. We must send you quickly to England because we grieve for what you've done. Everything is ready. You only need to pack.

KELLY: To England!

GRANT: Yeah, that's what I said…

KELLY: Good.

GRANT: It would be if you knew what we mean to do.

KELLY: Then I must go to England! – YIPPEE!! I get to go after all!! – *ahem* Farewell, dear mother.

GRANT: Thy loving father.

KELLY: Uh-uh. Mother. Father and mother are man and wife, and man and wife are the same person, so farewell mother. (exits)

GRANT: Go quickly and bring him to the king for our plans to succeed.

(Doug and TJ exit)

GRANT: England will kill Hamlet and I'll be rid of him at last.

_(Exits)_

…………………

_(A chibi Ewan comes running onstage dragging a reluctant Colin behind him. Chibi Ewan motions for him to do something. Colin rolls his eyes and lifts a sign displaying the act. Chibi Ewan motions again and Colin flips the sign displaying "_See all Ewan McGregor movies!_" Colin sneakily reaches behind him and takes out another sign reading "_Join the Royal Air Force and be a hero._" Chibi Ewan smacks him and drags him offstage.)_

ACT IV, Scene 4

----A plain in Denmark.

(Enter FORTINBRAS* Melissa and extras as her forces marching)

MELISSA: (steps in front of the audience with a wide grin on her face) Now I intend to be well mannered, to stay in character, and to let nothing even highly absurd distract me or anyone else on this stage. Besides… I only have a few lines anyway. (shrug) Go, Captain to tell the Danish king that we wish to march upon his kingdom. We have the right by law to march through to get to our destination.

MICHELLE: (still in her tap costume, steps out from behind Melissa – she had snuck in behind her and kicked out the extra to play this particular role) And I have chosen this moment to actually have a part other than a skull. (turns to Melissa) I will do it, sir.

MELISSA: Go softly on.

(Melissa and all the extras exit, leaving Michelle alone.)

(Enter Doug, TJ, and Kelly who is held between them looking very perturbed.)

KELLY: (ripping herself from their grasp and speaking to Michelle) I'm glad to see you've chosen a role… *ahem* Sir, who do these troops belong to?

MICHELLE: Norway.

KELLY: What do they intend to do?

MICHELLE: They go to take some part of Poland.

KELLY: Who's in charge?

MICHELLE: Old Norway's nephew, Fortinbras.

KELLY: Do they want to take the main part or a border?

MICHELLE: Actually, we go to claim a small patch of land worth no more than five bucks. I wouldn't farm it if I were paid.

KELLY: Yet the Poles are defending it?

MICHELLE: Yup, already guarded.

KELLY: So many souls and so much money spent on them just to fight over a bit of straw… This is no reason to cause a bloodbath. Thank you, sir.

MICHELLE: No problem. (punches Kelly's arm in a friendly way and exits)

DOUG: Shall we go now?

KELLY: Go on ahead, I'll catch up.

(Doug and TJ exit)

KELLY: And now for a quick summary of what this speech means: I'm so surprised that Fortinbras would cause such a commotion over a shit piece of land like that when I can't even avenge my own father's murder! What's wrong with me? Why spend so much time brooding over it when I should just off the bastard?!

MAY: (offstage) Alright! That's what I'm talking about!

KELLY: From now on, my mind will be bent on revenge! BLOODY REVENGE!!

MAY: (jumping for joy) Yess!!! Yessssss!!!

_(Kelly exits to calm May down as quickly as possible)_


	20. Act 4, Scene 5

ACT IV, Scene 5

_----Elsinore. A room in the castle._

_(Enter Danny and Shelly)_

DANNY: I won't talk to her.

SHELLY: She demands to see you. You need to distract her a little.

DANNY: Why?

SHELLY: She starts whispering of her father, talks evil about the world, pulls at her hair, and generally carries on in the craziest way even a nurse at an asylum has ever seen. Including the space asylum.

DANNY: _(sighing) _Fine, send her in.

_(Shelly exits to get Ewan)_

DANNY: Something weird is happening.

_(Re-enter Shelly with Ewan)_

EWAN: _(speaking most of his lines verbatim cause it sounds better)_ Where is the beauteous majesty of Denmark?

DANNY: How are you, Ophelia?

EWAN: _(sings) _How should I your true love know

               From another one?

               By his cockle hat and staff,

               And his sandal shoon.

DANNY: Oh dear girl. Why do you sing?

EWAN: _(looking positively insane, wacko, nuts, etc.)_ You speak? No, listen. _(sings with increasing sadness)_ He is dead and gone, lady,

               He is dead and gone;

               At his head a green grass turf,

               At his heels a stone.

DANNY: But Ophelia—

EWAN: LISTEN!! _(sings)_ White his shroud as the mountain snow…

_(Enter Grant)_

DANNY: Look at her.

EWAN: _(sings)_ Larded with sweet flowers;

               Which bewept to the grave did go

               With true love showers.

GRANT: How are you, Ophelia?

EWAN: They say the owl was a baker's daughter. Lord, we know what we are, but not what we may be. God be at your table!

GRANT: She's still upset about her father's death.

EWAN: Pray you, let's have no words of this; but when they ask you what it means, say you this: _(screams at the top of his lungs then when finished sings)_

               Tomorrow is Saint Valentine's day

               All in the morning betime,

               And I a maid at your window,

               To be your Valentine.

               Then up he rose, and donn'd his clothes,

               And dupp'd the chamber door;

               Let in the maid, that out a maid

               Never departed more.

GRANT: Huh?

KELLY: _(offstage) _Shh! This is the best part Ophelia has! If Ewan's movements in a minute don't tell you what he's talking about, you'll never get it anyway.

EWAN: Indeed, la, without an oath, I'll make an end on it: _(sings)_

               By Gis and by Saint Charity,

               Alack, and fie for shame! _(begins doing pelvic thrusts around in a very sexual manner)_

Young men will do it, if they come to it;

               By COCK _(thrusts forward at the emphasized word)_ they are to blame.

               _(gets on his back, lifting his skirts and moving as if having sex)_ Quoth she, before you tumbled me,

               You promised me to wed.

               So would I have done, by yonder sun,

               An thou hadst not come to my bed! _(rolls over and begins to cry)_

ALL: Ah…

KELLY: _(sighing)_ You need a little explanation? _(all nod)_ Right. The first song was about how upset Ophelia was about her father's death. It was describing a gravestone and how they would be laid. The second song was about Hamlet's absence. She believed he loved her and so she – supposedly – slept with him to seal his marriage proposal. But since he hasn't returned in a while, she's worried herself into a fit – a combination of sorrow for the loss of her father and her missing boyfriend. Get it now?

ALL: _(nod)_

KELLY:Cool. Glad I have a grasp of this play.

GRANT: How long has she been like this?

EWAN: _(getting up and coming over) _I hope all will be well. We must be patient: but I cannot choose but weep, to think they should lay him in the cold ground. My brother shall know of it: and so I thank you for your good counsel. – Come, my coach! _(steps into an invisible coach)_ Good night, ladies; good night, sweet ladies; good night, good night. _(exits by trotting like a horse out the 'door')_

GRANT:_ (to Shelly) _Follow her close, and watch out for her.

(Exit Shelly)

GRANT: This madness is caused by such sadness, all from her poor father's death. She weeps for her father's death, for Hamlet's leaving – and he being the cause of both the death and his departure. I feel great pity for her. It hurts me so.

(A noise offstage is heard… something like a crash)

DANNY: What's that?

GRANT: Where are the guards? They should be guarding the doors.

(Enter a GENTLEMAN* Traci – who wanted to be included again)

GRANT: What's happening?

TRACI: A great mob of people crash at the gates and are rushing in, taking out anyone in their path including any guard. The rabble is all lead by Laertes, and you must save yourself! They cry that he shall be king!

DANNY: They've heard the rumors!

GRANT: _(another noise) _The doors have been broken down.

(Enter May armed and followed by MANY mob-type followers – stolen from the Intermission.)

MAY: Where is the king!?!? _(to the crowd) _You wait for me outside.

MOB: No, we want in!

MAY: Leave me!

MOB: Oki doke. _(they exit)_

MAY: _(raising her foil – a thin bladed sword used in fencing – and pointing it at Grant with bloodlust in her eyes)_ You vile wretch! Give me my father!!

DANNY: Be calm, Laertes.

MAY: One drop of calm blood from me disgraces my entire family and loyalty to them!

GRANT: Why, what is wrong, Laertes? Tell us why you have such a rebellion and what caused this?

MAY: _(getting very testy and keeping her blade at Grant's throat, making him seem nervous) _Where is my father?

GRANT: Dead.

DANNY: But he didn't kill him.

GRANT: Let him ask what he wants to find out his answers.

MAY: Then how did he die? I will sell my soul to the devil to seek revenge!

GRANT: If you really want to know, would you bring both friend and enemy to become winner and loser?

MAY: Only enemies.

GRANT: Will you find out who they are then?

MAY: I'll welcome friends with open arms and sacrifice myself for them.

GRANT: I had nothing to do with Polonius' death and grieve it as I should.

MOB: _(outside)_ Let her in.

MAY: What's that?

(Re-enter Ewan dressed in a straw dress and a flower crown looking highly amused with invisible things)

MAY: Oh no. How can it be? Don't let my eyes tell the truth! Sister! No… her mind was as mortal as her father's life!

EWAN: _(sings) _They bore him barefaced on the bier;

               Hey no nonny, nonny, hey nonny;

               And on his grave rained many a tear,— _(stops singing and speaks to May without really focusing on her) _Fare you well, my dove!

MAY: Oh dear. _(sword drops to her side in sorrow for Ewan)_

EWAN:You must sing, _Down, a-down, an you call him a-down-a._ O how the wheel becomes it! It is the false steward, that stole his master's daughter.

MAY: This is sad madness.

EWAN: _(holding out invisible flowers)_ There's rosemary, that's for remembrance; pray, love, remember: and there is pansies, that's for thoughts. There's fennel for you, and columbines:— there's rue for you; and here's some for me:— _(laughs) _we may call it herb-grace of Sundays:— O, you must wear your rue with difference.— There's a daisy:— I would give you some violets, but they withered all when my father died:— they say, he made a good end,— _(sings) _For bonny sweet Robin is all my joy.

MAY: Of everything that's happened, she's turned to favor and prettiness.

EWAN: _(sings) _And will he not come again?

               And will he not come again?

               No, no, he is dead,

               Go to thy death-bed,

               He never will come again.

               His beard was as white as snow

               All flaxen was his poll:

               He is gone, he is gone,

               And we cast away moan:

               God have mercy on his soul! _(speaks)_ And of all Christian souls, I pray God,— God be with you.

MAY: _(begins to speak her cue, then notices Ewan isn't moving as he's supposed to exit, turns back and approaches him) _Uh, Ewan, you can leave the stage now. Your scene's over.

EWAN: _(smiles nervously) _Er, I would if I could, but I can't.

MAY: Heh? What the hell does *that* mean?

EWAN: …… I can't move. _(May awaits an explanation) _There's something latched onto my leg. It happened in the middle of the scene… It's too heavy for me to move it.

EWAN'S SKIRT: HEY!!!

MAY: O_O;;;  Please forgive me for what I'm about to attempt. _(looks towards the heavens) _Especially whoever's up there. Forgive me. _(bends over and lifts the part of Ewan's skirt facing away from the audience and her eyes go wide) _O_O…… KELLYYYY!!!!! WHAT THE--- ?!?!…… Hey, you wear that kilt all the time?

EWAN: _(blush)_

MAY: It's funny! 'One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor!!' Fantastic! Do you wear anything under that? Kelly, tell me! Boxers or briefs?

MICHELLE: _(offstage) _Or commando?! And we want details!

KELLY: _(under the skirt) _Hey, leave me be!! There's nothing to see here!

_(skirt is violently ripped out of  May's hand)_

MAY: -_-;;;; Excuse us folks. There will be yet *another* short delay in the progress of the play. _(walks to the front of the stage, knowing that Kelly is holding down the other side of the skirt, and lifts up the fabric facing the audience)_

KELLY:_ (sitting on Ewan's foot, hugging his leg with both her arms and legs, suddenly looks out at the audience, startled) …… (grins and blushes again) _May, would you be a dear and LEAVE ME ALONE!! _(pulls the skirt down again)_

EWAN:_ (looks at audience and sighs)_

MAY: _(pulls skirt up and sprays Kelly with butter)_

EWAN: HEY!! Why'd you do that?

MAY: It's to make her slip off easily!

EWAN: But what did you use??

MAY: _(looks at label, reads) _Frederick's of Hollywood's Caramel flavored Body Butter… _(sweatdrop)_ Oops. Meant to use this. _(holds out spray bottle of Land'o'Lakes spray on low fat butter)_

EWAN: _(smacks himself in the head) _You spray her – *and* my leg that she's wrapped herself around – with an edible substance hoping she would *LOOSEN* her grip???

MAY: …… Uh… right. I see your point… Damn. _(glances down at Kelly)_

KELLY:_ (licking her fingers) _Thanks, May. I was getting hungry. This tastes GOOD!

MAY: -_-;;; _(stands up with a HUFF_ _and stomps off the stage)_

EWAN:Hey, wait! Where are you going??

MAY: _(stomps back on stage mumbling to herself… with a wet mop in hand) _You must have been standing over the trap door when she latched onto you like a parasite. This should get her off… _(stands next to Ewan with a look of purpose on her face, speaks sweetly while bending down to pick up the skirt again) _Oh, Kelly… Dear friend of mine… Won't you please come out of there so we can finish the play? _(jerks up the skirt and SMACKS Kelly in the head with the mop)_

KELLY:BLECKH!! That's disgusting! Why'd you do that? I'm not hurting anyone!

MAY: You're ruining your own play!!!

KELLY: Well, if I had been properly informed of the cast in the play beforehand, maybe I would have had a little more control over my actions. But that wasn't *my* fault, now was it?

MAY: _(smacks Kelly over the head with the mop once more, making Kelly yelp, and lets go of the skirt) _That's it. I've had it.

EWAN: What am I supposed to do?

MAY: All I can say is try to drag her offstage if you can. Otherwise, you'll be a permanent prop in the rest of the play. _(marches defiantly offstage)_

EWAN:_ …_ Right. _(with every ounce of strength he can use, he drags his 'bum' leg towards the closer side of the stage)_

(A sudden gasp, yelp, and THUMP are heard from under Ewan's skirt during his effort, and with a look of shock, his leg flies forward and he falls flat on his 'arse'. The audience gasps when they notice that Ewan's leg – still buttered – was bare.)

ANNA: Hey! Where'd Kelly go?

KRISTEN: _(runs onto the stage and pushes the skirt out of the way revealing an open trap door) _She must have fallen through this.

MAY: The butter worked!

MELISSA: That must have been the sounds we heard…

MARIE: _(joins Kristen around the trap door, yelling down into the hole) _Kelly? Can you hear me? Try to find your way out!

LAUREN and COLIN: _(the only ones helping Ewan up, struggling because he was knocked unconscious during the fall, dragging him off stage to administer smelling salts)_

(Heard from below are sounds of struggle, clattering equipment, loud annoyed grunts, hard footsteps slowly fading…)

               _Meanwhile… On another stage nearby, a production of "A Parody of Shakespeare: _Romeo and Juliet"_ played by the Gundam Wing boys was currently in progress…_

TROWA (Juliet):  ….where's the vial?  _(walks over to the dresser, grabs vial and goes to center of stage)_  Farewell!  God knows when we shall meet again.  I have a fai—

_(A trap door underneath Trowa suddenly opens, sending the bishounen sprawling on to the floor.  Kelly, AKA muse of hyperness, suddenly pops up, dressed in black)_

KELLY:  …..Where am I?

MAY:  _(off stage, squeaks)_  o_O!!  KELLY?!  What the--?!  How did you--?!

PEOPLE:  o_O;;  Heh…?

KELLY:  _(sees audience)_  Oh no!  It's my part already!!  *ahem*  Shall quips, and sentences, and these paper bullets of the brain awe a man from the career of his humor? No! The world must be peopled!! When I—

MAY:  _(quickly runs on stage and whaps Kelly)_  ~WHAP~

KELLY:  OW~!!!!  _(grabs head, then looks up, puzzled)_  May?  What are you doing here?  Weren't you just beating me off Ewan with a mop?

MAY:  _(smirking)_  I astral projected here.

DUO:  _(whispering to Heero)_  Is that way she's always so out of the loop?

MAY:  I heard that, Duo.

KELLY: _(glances around at the stage) _So this is where you've been doing that thing I keep getting in my email… Now, since I've never met any of you before, May, would you please introduce us? _(climbs out of trap door and onto stage)_

MAY: _(gathering the Gundam crew onto the stage, she starts pointing to each, saying their names) _Trowa, Heero, Wufei… _(suddenly realizing that this was pointless)_ WAIT!! What the hell am I doing?!? Kelly! You're supposed to be in your play right now! How did you get here?

KELLY: Um, well, if you just astral project yourself *back* to my play, then maybe your two selves can put it all together!

MAY: I don't have time for that right now! If you didn't notice, we're both trying to put on plays here! Just tell me in SHORT how you got here?

KELLY: Well, during Act 4, Ewan was on stage with you and I snuck up through the trap door and wrapped myself around his leg…

MAY: _(holding up her hands in alarm) _Stop! Wait! I don't want to know anymore.

KELLY: Well, you did ask.

MAY: I must have hit you too hard when you were wigging out in the Intermission… First of all, you said you came over here during the fourth act, right? But when you arrived here you started spouting the *second* act of "Much Ado About Nothing" – a different play, and a COMEDY, I might add – if I'm correct. In that case, you've got to be losing it!

KELLY: _(mumbling) _They were both played by Kenneth Branagh… honest mistake… Well, not all of this is my fault… I seem to remember a certain potion, many weapons aimed at me, butter, and a wet mop…

MAY: Ah, shut up. Just go back to your play, do whatever you want with Ewan, and let us get back to our work! _(turns to talk to G-boys and sees that Trowa is on the mahogany table with Wufei. The other cast members have disappeared somewhere in the back and sounds can be heard.)_ BAKA YAROU!!! _(collapses into a heap resembling the fetal position, whining furiously) _It's just not fair…

_(May pulls out the Twin Buster Rifle and, still lying on floor, fires randomly at people)_

WUFEI and TROWA: _(falls off of mahogany table)_ ~THUD~ 

MAY: EVERYBODY!!!! Get dressed now, and I won't kill you!!!

(sudden scrambling from rest of crew)

KELLY: Wow, and my cast thought *WE* had problems…

MAY: _(stands up and rounds on Kelly) _THAT'S IT!! GET BACK INTO YOUR LITTLE HOLE AND GO BACK WHERE YOU CAME FROM!!! _(suddenly starts speaking in Chinese, leaving Kelly and the G-boys speechless)_

KELLY and G-BOYS: O_O;;; _(blink, blink, blink)_

WUFEI: _(understanding everything May said)_ _;;; Oh….my…..God…… I can't believe you just *said* that, onna……

MAY: _(violently shoves Kelly back towards the trap door and whips out a rolled up newspaper which she promptly begins FWAPPING Kelly over the head with) _JUST… GO… AWAY!! _(shoves Kelly through the door, slams it shut, and locks it with so many locks, an atom bomb couldn't get through) _There. Now… PLACES!!!

EVERYBODY: ……………

MAY: Do *not* make me go ZERO…

EVERYBODY: O_O!!! _(more scrambling is heard)_

_               Back on the _Hamlet_ stage, the cast was arguing over what to do next. Marie, Alex, Anna, and Kristen were still huddled over the trap door shouting into it in hope of getting an answer. The rest of the cast, if not now knocked unconscious (including Dave, Doug, TJ, and a few other random extras) were arguing if they should wait for Kelly to find her way out – which could take longer than anybody was willing to stay put – or just replace her with Colin, since he was already there. Ewan had since woken up with a furious headache wondering why his leg had been buttered. Lauren just found out that Colin was married with one child, and that her proposition to him was useless, and was now sulking in the corner._

_(While crouched over the hole in the floor, Marie suddenly hit Alex and told him to be quiet. Everyone hushed while they waited… Faint footsteps were coming from down below followed by grumbles and loud curses)_

MARIE: It's Kelly!! She's back!! _(hopping up and down, hitting Alex over the head unknowingly)_

COLIN: Does that mean I don't have a part again?

SHELLY: Uh… you want to be an extra?

COLIN: Fine.

ALEX: _(upper half of his body now through the doorway, shouting for Kelly to follow the sound of his voice)_ Kelly? Is that you? If you can, follow my voice and we'll— OW!! _(his body jerks and he comes up out of the hole with his hand holding his earlobe) _Well, I know it's Kelly.

KELLY: _(from down below) _Could someone throw me a rope!?!?

_(Little people in black come running over with a big pile of rope and throw down one end of it. They form a line on the upper end and begin pulling her up.)_

KELLY: _(her hands grab onto both sides of the hole in the floor and she pulls her head out with a tired 'don't mess with me' look on her face) Hello there._

MARIE, MELISSA, SHELLY, and MAY: _(all come over to help her out asking questions at the same time) Where'd you go? Why were you down there for so long? Did you find anything interesting down there? Why are you all bruised?_

KELLY: _(stands straight up, dusts herself off, __ looks up to answer and tell her lovely tale and spots May… glares and growls for a second)_

MAY: Uh, what?

KELLY: _(in a scream of anger, she lunges and attacks May) _AAARRGH!!!

MAY: _(a scream of terror is all we hear before the scuffle) _GAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!

_(There's mass confusion on stage, for some people had no idea that Kelly had returned. When the large ball of dust and claws – in other words, May and Kelly – went flying by, all anyone did was look at it in wonder. No one did anything for a minute, until Liz E gathered her courage and dove into the scuffle and broke them apart – not without getting a few cuts and bruises herself, however. Now, Kelly was more of a mess than she was at the beginning of the previous act, hair in knots, clothes in shreds, and a small cut on her lower lip. May's glasses were crooked, she had a bloody nose, hair all over, and her clothes resembled Kelly's.)_

LIZ E: _(wiping the hair out of her eyes)_ Alright, now someone better explain this 'cause we don't have all day! _(looks at May)_

MAY: What are you looking at *me* for? *She's* the one trying to kill me!

LIZ E: Alright. Explain, Kelly.

KELLY: Dammit, May! You have no idea why I'd be a little pissed?

COLIN: _(whispering to Ewan) _She's drunk?

EWAN: Not that kind of pissed, Col.

MAY: Not a fucking clue!

KELLY: Why don't you ask yourself over in the next theater what just happened?

MAY: Heh?!?

KELLY: I just crawled over to the next theater to find a production of _Romeo and Juliet_ being performed by the Gundam boys and directed by YOU!!

MAY: _(looks baffled)_

KELLY: You just told me you astral projected over there.

MAY: Really? Cool!! But… that doesn't explain why you nearly killed me.

KELLY: Oh really? Well here! Let me count the reasons: _(holds out fingers) _the beam cannon, your anime troop, the concoction of speed, ecstasy, No-Doz and my potion, the butter, the wet mop, the rolled up newspaper, shoving me through the trap door and slamming it down onto my head!!

MAY: Uh, I remember everything but those last few you just said.

DAVE: _(who woke up when the fight broke out) _Uh, I don't know about anyone else, but when Kelly's face turns that ugly shade of red, I get a bit nervous.

ALEX: Just nervous? I practically soiled myself!!

MICHELLE: Information that is totally not needed at this point.

KELLY: _(dusting herself off from the fight, wipes hair and sweat away from her eyes, and growls)_ Alright, you know time is money, people. We are doing a play and we don't have much left to finish. All we have to do is finish this god awfully long scene and then the rest should be a breeze.

TONYA: That's easy for you to say.

KELLY: Remember the key phrase here is _should be_ a breeze. _(sigh)_ Places everyone.

_(Everyone scatters to their respective spots in the wings of the theater, in the audience, and onstage.)_

MAY: OK, one more time. _(acting)_ Oh God, do you see this?

GRANT: Laertes, trust in me, a wise friend. If you find that either our kingdom or ourselves touched by evil, then you may take everything you want from us – our lives, our kindom, our wealth. Come with me and I'll tell you what happened and then you will become enlightened.

MAY: _(sneering a bit and raising the foil's tip back to Grant's neck)_ Why don't I just get what I want now?

KELLY: _(offstage with a pack of ice on her head from the beatings) _MAY! That's NOT how it goes!!

MAY: _(smirk) _I know, but what fun is this? I want BLOOD, baby!!

KELLY: _(glare)_

MAY: Alright, alright, fine. _(sigh)_ Let this be so. I will find the dog and bury him without any honor or respect… after I draw and quarter, dismember, and have Shelly help me with disemboweling them.

SHELLY: _(giggle)_

GRANT: So you shall, and where the culprit is the axe of punishment will fall on him. Come with me.

_(Exit Grant and May, enter Kelly on side of stage with finger in air.)_

KELLY: And for those of you who didn't get that, that was a reference to what will happen to Hamlet if Claudius' plans pan out. Hamlet is bound for beheading. _(giggles and walks offstage)_


	21. Act 4, Scenes 6 and 7

ACT IV, Scene 6

_----Another room in the castle._

_(Enter Shelly and a SERVANT* Chrissy [head of the LPiB] still in her black robes)_

SHELLY: Who wants to talk to me again?

CHRISSY: Some sailors, they say they have letters for ya. _(smiles at audience because she finally has a part)_

SHELLY: … OK, let them in.

CHRISSY: _(stays in place staring at audience…… not wanting to leave)_

SHELLY: *ahem* Chrissy?

CHRISSY: Hm?

SHELLY: Let them in.

CHRISSY: … Do I have to?

KELLY: GET OFF THE STAGE!

CHRISSY: Alright! Alright! _(mumbles to herself as she goes offstage)_

SHELLY: Okie-dokie. I have no idea who would send me a letter if Hamlet can't…

_(Enter SAILORS* Marie and Alex… just because they have no other part and want to be in the play again)_

ALEX: _(gives a cheery smile and wave)_ Hiya! God bless you!

SHELLY: And bless you too.

ALEX: _(hands Shelly a letter)_ Oh, he gladly will. If you're Horatio, then this letter is for you from the ambassador on his way to England.

SHELLY: _(reads, but Kelly voices over)_ "Horatio, after you've read this, send these men to king to deliver other letters. Before the second night at sea, we were attacked by a pirate ship. In our fight, I boarded their ship just as ours got clear. I was their only prisoner. They have been merciful, but I must pay them back for their kindness. Give the king his letters, then seek me out: I have an amazing tale to tell. These men will bring you to me. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are still on their way to England, but I'll tell you the rest of that later. See you soon.

               HAMLET"

               _(speaks)_ Come, I'll show you where to go, and go quickly. You must bring me to Hamlet as quickly as possible.

_(Exit all)_

-----

ACT IV, Scene 7

_----Another room in the castle._

_(Enter Grant and May)_

KELLY: _(offstage)_ God, this is such a boring scene. Please try to get it over with as fast as possible without skipping anything important. We're almost through, here!

GRANT: Dear Laertes, I am your friend. He that killed your father was trying to kill me. _(gestures for May to sit)_

MAY: Well then why aren't you doing anything about it to protect yourself? _(sits)_

GRANT: Two reasons that mean a great deal to me, but might not mean anything to you. The queen, his mother, loves him too much for me to take action against him, and the people of our kingdom favor him too. If I punished him for his actions here, the entire kingdom would rise in rebellion against me. Everything he ever did wrong would become honorable legend.

MAY: So my father is dead and my sister is mad because of him… I'll have revenge!!

GRANT: Don't you worry about that. I'll teach you—

_(Enter MESSENGER* an LPiB)_

GRANT: What news?

LPiB: Letters for you and the queen, my lord, from Hamlet.

GRANT: _(puzzled look)_ From Hamlet? Who brought them?

LPiB: Some sailors I didn't see gave them to Claudio who gave them to me.

GRANT: You'll hear them too, Laertes. Leave us.

_(LPiB bows and exits)_

GRANT: _(reads, but Kelly voices over)_ "Boo. Didn't think I'd be writing you after I found out why you sent me, did you? I've enjoyed the sites – Big Ben and the Tower of London are quite nice this time of year—"

GRANT: Oh, get on with it! Those aren't your lines anyhow!

GRANT: _(reads, but Kelly voices over) _"Sorry. *ahem* Dear 'High and Mighty' bastard – I'll have you know that I'm currently naked back home. Tomorrow, I'd like to meet with you; there I'll first ask for 'forgiveness', then tell you of my adventure to return here. Adios! HAMLET."

DAVE: _(offstage) NAKED?!?_ Where?! I wanna see!

MAY: _(dashes offstage where the audience hears a loud THWACK and THUD, soon followed by her return)_ Sorry. Had to deal with him before he makes anymore stupid remarks.

GRANT: Erm… ok… *ahem* Huh? Does this mean everyone else is back too? Or is it a trick?

MAY: Is it his handwriting?

GRANT: Yep. It says 'naked' but a footnote here says 'alone'. Got any bright ideas?

MAY: You got me. I say let him come… _(starts madly wringing her hands and hunching over)_ It warms my sick little heart to know that I'll be able to live and look at him and say – _DIE, MOTHERFUCKER!!!! (acts like the character McManus from _The Usual Suspects_ during the lineup scene)_

GRANT: Whoa, before you go "Oswald was a fag" on me, will you let me help you plan out your revenge?

MAY: _(slumping over, disappointed)_ Oh, I guess so… just so long as I can kill him.

GRANT: Good, I've got a plan where you can kill him while no blame comes upon you at all. Even his mother will say it was an accident.

MAY: SWEET!

GRANT: People have been talking about you a lot during your travel. (And I skip this long and boring speech because no one wants to hear it.)

ALL: _(relieved sigh)_ Thank God.

GRANT: ¬_¬;;; My plan is that you two will have a fencing match against one another and we'll score it to three hits. Whoever reaches three first wins. I know that both of you are very good, so it should prove a good match nonetheless. However, your blade will be tipped with poison so that even with the tiniest scratch it will kill Hamlet. There is no cure, and his death will be nice and quick—

MAY: _(mumbles)_ Damn, I wanted it to be gory as hell… I want to hack him to bits!!!

KELLY: _(offstage)_ Dude! I'm your freaking roommate! You don't *really* want to _(gulp)_ hack me to bits… right? I thought we were friends! _(teary chibi eyes)_

MAY: _(unidentifiable grin)_

GRANT: Anyway… If you're not as skilled with a foil as we hope, then I'll have a backup: I shall have a cup of wine ready for him when he tires and in it, there will be a poisoned pearl. That plan should be sufficient for killing him without any blame coming to anyone. It should be simple enough.

MAY: _(brow furrowing)_ You don't think it the slightest bit suspicious that a teeny tiny scratch, or a simple sip of wine would kill him instantly? You'd think that someone would notice that as being a bit odd.

KELLY: _(offstage)_ May, I'm not the one who came up with the plot, man. Blame Shakespeare for that drug trip.

_(Enter Danny looking utterly distraught)_

GRANT: Ah, sweet queen! How are you?

DANNY: So many things that sadden – Laertes, Ophelia is drowned.

KELLY: _(offstage)_ NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

ALL: _(look warily at Kelly)_ *blinkie blinkie*

MAY: ……Drowned? _(chibi teary eyes and – following Kelly's example – being overdramatic)_ DROWNED??

DANNY: There is a nice little river with a willow nearby. She went there and made herself many beautiful garlands of flowers, and somehow, while reaching for something on a branch, it broke and she fell into the brook. Her gowns spread out and made her look like a beautiful mermaid.

MAY: _(wails with sorrow)_ Alas! She is drowned! She's had too much water already, so I shall not cry. Instead, I shall exit to show that I cannot stand to be around anyone because of my sorrow.

_(Exit May)_

GRANT: It's so sad. Let's follow, Gertrude. _(reaches out and takes Danny's hand)_

_(Exit all)_


End file.
